 | 
President Bush Calls for A "Paranoid, Trigger-Happy America""Caution is our enemy," states President. October 1, 2001 |
Washington, DC Emilio Berternie/AP President Bush: Friggin' losing it
"Now, in this, our greatest moment," the President said Wednesday following the attacks, "it is important that our bloodlust reach critical levels. I'm so fucking angry I could shit a Buick. And I think all of America should follow suit."
Smoking a cigarette with an inch of ash still on the end, nervously loosening his tie and squinting through bloodshot eyes, the president promised swift and "all-out awesome" retaliation against "anybody; make that everybody. They're all going down this time."
"Some Americans have understandably tried to get on with their lives, to grieve for the victims and recapture some s...
rade Center and the Pentagon, President George "Nightmare" Bush has urged for Americans to unite and create a "paranoid, trigger-happy America."
"Now, in this, our greatest moment," the President said Wednesday following the attacks, "it is important that our bloodlust reach critical levels. I'm so fucking angry I could shit a Buick. And I think all of America should follow suit."
Smoking a cigarette with an inch of ash still on the end, nervously loosening his tie and squinting through bloodshot eyes, the president promised swift and "all-out awesome" retaliation against "anybody; make that everybody. They're all going down this time."
"Some Americans have understandably tried to get on with their lives, to grieve for the victims and recapture some sense of normalcy. I urge restraint in this matter at this time. This is not the time to calmly and logically turn to religion, family, or community. Now is the time to pissing apeshit."
Bush finished his press conference by throwing up his desk and punching out a window in the Oval office.
Later, around 4:30 a.m., the president stumbled out onto the lawn with a pistol in hand, firing blindly at the sky and screaming, "I'm right here! I'm right here, you fucking monsters! Come and get it! If you dare!"
A visibly shaken, tearful President Bush was then escorted by Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld back into the White House, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders.
President Bush continued to encourage the nation from a small, dimly-lit room in an unreleased location three days later.
"The high demand for guns, firearms, flags, and gas has been spectacular. The call has been made for quick, thoughtless action. For rage and violence. The American people, as always, have answered the call.
"What was that?" the president asked with wide eyes darting about the dank cellar. "Did you hear that?"
He then fired several shots into a nearby secret service agent who reportedly had a "weird glint in his eye." the commune News would like to take this opportunity to express our love for America by flying our Confederate flag at half-mast until further notice. Ivan "Scooter" Nacutchacokov is American as apple pie and has never even been to the Midwest, so you can stop with the dirty looks people.
 | American Afghans Apprehended, Interred In CampsControversial concentration pounds activated October 1, 2001 |
Plimpton, CT Ramrod Hurley Interred Afghan American Kiwi
The Afghan, a popular breed of mid-size long-haired dog, was reportedly introduced to America several years ago by Chinese guys who brought them here originally to eat them, reported commune Research Editor Griswald Dreck. Also, horses were originally introduced to our country as indentured servants.
Dog Fancy magazine estimates the number of interred Afghans could reach 5,000 before the end of the week. Already several Afghans face additional charges of disobeying the new law by not reporting their whereabouts.
"We said, 'Sit. Stay.' And these dogs have disobeyed," said Attorney General John Ashcr...
n a controversial move, Congress has barely passed a bill allowing the arrest and internment of thousands of American-born Afghans in "government pounds."
The Afghan, a popular breed of mid-size long-haired dog, was reportedly introduced to America several years ago by Chinese guys who brought them here originally to eat them, reported commune Research Editor Griswald Dreck. Also, horses were originally introduced to our country as indentured servants.
Dog Fancy magazine estimates the number of interred Afghans could reach 5,000 before the end of the week. Already several Afghans face additional charges of disobeying the new law by not reporting their whereabouts.
"We said, 'Sit. Stay.' And these dogs have disobeyed," said Attorney General John Ashcroft. "Bad dogs. Bad, bad dogs."
Across the United States, pet owners and sympathizers are outraged by what they call an unfounded, prejudicial law.
"These dogs are good Americans," said Nancy Martin, owner of three Afghans interred because of the new law. "Mumu, Gaia, and Kiwi were born right here in this country. They eat American food, they wear American-made sweaters and make bad on American rugs. Not Persian. Certainly not Afghanese. Bad dogs? I say, 'Bad lawmakers. Bad, bad lawmakers.'" the commune News believes in socially responsible reporting and our staff practices safe sex at least seven times a day. Ramrod Hurley is a freelance journalist, photographer, and according to Lil Duncan, "Poppinazi". Ramrod is reporting for the commune news while he searches out a publisher for his new book, "If These Tits Could Talk: A Lil Duncan Biography".
| |
|
| 
 October 15, 2001 I Only Salute One Flag, Amigosthe commune's Omar Bricks explains why you can't spell Nationalism without "Anal Mist" In the wake of all these bogus attacks, I've begun to thinking, dudes. It's as predictable as a clockwork hooker that when the bombs start falling and ye olde America is under attack that the peoples gonna rally and start flying the flag with the ballsy chant of, "U! S! A!" Whether or not they can say the periods in "U.S.A." or not is completely up to them, though I ain't yet heard anyone say "U period S period A period!" Even if they would they'd probably forget that last damned period, always forgettable, like Neptune when you try to remember all the planets.
Flying the red, white and blue (and I swear there's some orange on there, but no one will back me up on this) is cool, I guess, if you're just overly patriotic and lack imagination. But personally, and take no offense, ...
º Last Column: ROK FINGER'S DESK IS NOT PUBLIC PROPERTY
º more columns
In the wake of all these bogus attacks, I've begun to thinking, dudes. It's as predictable as a clockwork hooker that when the bombs start falling and ye olde America is under attack that the peoples gonna rally and start flying the flag with the ballsy chant of, "U! S! A!" Whether or not they can say the periods in "U.S.A." or not is completely up to them, though I ain't yet heard anyone say "U period S period A period!" Even if they would they'd probably forget that last damned period, always forgettable, like Neptune when you try to remember all the planets.
Flying the red, white and blue (and I swear there's some orange on there, but no one will back me up on this) is cool, I guess, if you're just overly patriotic and lack imagination. But personally, and take no offense, chillun's, Omar Bricks don't salute no flag whether it's pure Americana or the McDonald's golden arches flag. "You faggot!" some of you jerkoffs are probably yelling already, thinking me some kind of terrorist-sympathizer or something else, or maybe you're just an asshole, I can't explain your shortcomings, but no, you've got me wrong, compadres. Omar Bricks is more American than the hairs in Uncle Sam's ass. And don't you forget it.
I salute one flag, no lie, all y'all. It's the flag of Omar Bricks. In case you think me some kind of poet lariet or something and I'm using some metaphorical device to say I salute kindness and compassion and shit, get your gay ass out of town because I don't play that game. I'm talking a real flag. I got the idea after I saw, "Seven Samurai" and those kick-ass samurais got together and made themselves a bad motherfucker of a flag.
Now, in that movie, the samurai drew some little designs of themselves on the flags and all the circles—about forty of them—represented all the weak-dick bandits they was yet to kill. And when they got the nasty job done, they'd mark off all the bastards they iced, which I thought was top-notch. At the time, me, myself, Omar Bricks, was in college and didn't really have too many enemies to speak of, except some history teacher who had it in for me and some bitch who said I got her sister pregnant, but she didn't even have a sister, she was trés psycho. But I did have little ugly faces on the flag when it started, long since marked out once those perpetrators got theirs, though you can't prove nothin', amigo.
The Bricks flag has a design beautiful in its simplicity, sweetness: A big-ass blue flag with a huge white "O" on it, for my name, duh, and a sizzlin' pot leaf in the middle, just like Canada's flag, so yous know right away what I stand for. I ain't going to dumb it down for nobody, boys, I speak in plain terms for plain people. I believe in freedom, pure and simple.
Consequently, it's not against the law to burn the Bricks flag, but it will bring swift retaliation against your punk ass. There's never been a case of anyone burning the Bricks flag, but the closest to desecration it's come was a few years back when that fat-ass ex-roommate of mine Chazz wiped his Cheetos-covered hands off on it, the fucker, and the flag still wears the scars to this day. Likewise Chazz has a big gash on the back of his head shaped just like a folding chair to remind him the price of freedom.
So if you want to dance on America, all you third world badasses, come over here and dance on the Bricks flag, if you dare. I've got more than enough folding chairs to supply ass-whuppin' for years to come. º Last Column: ROK FINGER'S DESK IS NOT PUBLIC PROPERTYº more columns | 
|
| |
Quote of the Day“We'll meet again. You might say that's impossible, since people can only meet once, but they haven't factored in my patented time machine and early-onset Alzheimer's.”
-Capt. Don Spacegain, Year 3054Fortune 500 CookieNow's the perfect time to launch your alternative news website. Thursday's haul proves your friend's theory that the Halloween is really the only lucrative time for trick-or-treating. For your information, he's going to shoot his old woman down 'cause he caught her messing 'round with some other man; you don't need to know everything. Lucky son of a bitch.
Try again later.Top 5 Reasons You Won't Have to Kick Around the commune For Anymore| 1. | It’s expensive to run state of the art website and Dippin’ Dots franchise at the same time | | 2. | You assholes simply refused to spell our name appropriately in lowercase letters | | 3. | All of this was for date with girl at Blockbuster; she don’t work there no more | | 4. | Less writing and online publishing leaves more time to hang out at coffee shop writing thinly veiled autobiographic novel | | 5. | You never loved us | |
|   Report: ’Osama’ Least Popular Name for American Babies BY roland mcshyster 10/1/2001 Welcome back to Entertainment Police, gents and gentiles, I hope you came hungry for some fresh whinin' and opinin'. We've got a new batch of movies for you to ogle and unlike the last batch, we promise these won't turn out to be Gremlins. But before we get to that, let's take a moment for America's favorite back-and-forth: Ask Roland!
Q. I recently watched the film "Hannibal" and have to admit that I was troubled by the pigs who eat people. I live next-door to a pig farm and ever since I saw that movie, I am afraid of those pigs. Sometimes, at night, I can see them looking at me through the fence with their greedy little pig eyes, and I can only imagine that they're thinking that I'd be good to eat with some scrambled eggs and biscuits. Roland, can you set the record s...
Welcome back to Entertainment Police, gents and gentiles, I hope you came hungry for some fresh whinin' and opinin'. We've got a new batch of movies for you to ogle and unlike the last batch, we promise these won't turn out to be Gremlins. But before we get to that, let's take a moment for America's favorite back-and-forth: Ask Roland!
Q. I recently watched the film "Hannibal" and have to admit that I was troubled by the pigs who eat people. I live next-door to a pig farm and ever since I saw that movie, I am afraid of those pigs. Sometimes, at night, I can see them looking at me through the fence with their greedy little pig eyes, and I can only imagine that they're thinking that I'd be good to eat with some scrambled eggs and biscuits. Roland, can you set the record straight? Do pigs really eat people?
Max Falcon, Corn Hole, Kansas
A. Thanks for your question Max. You should be able to sleep better at night knowing that of course pigs don't eat people! As a matter of fact, people eat pigs! It may surprise you to know that they're always screwing up little details like this in the movies. We have eagle-eyed viewers like yourself to thank when Hollywood is called to the carpet for their frequent oversights and blunders.
Q. Roland, what do you think of the recent death of Pauline Kael and what it will mean to the future of film criticism?
Regina Lumley,
Newtons Curve, Vermont
A. That's a great question, Regina. "Peppermint" Pauline has been a fixture in the Peanuts world since I was a boy, and few will miss her more acutely than Roland McShyster. It seems like just yesterday that she was calling Charlie Brown "Chuck" and goosing him behind the water fountain. To be honest, if I'd been a Peanuts character ("Rolo", perhaps?) I would have been all over her. And she probably would have gone for me, too. Hell, she didn't even know Snoopy was a dog, so she probably could have really used some glasses. Her loss? My gain! My friends always told me she played for the wrong team but to be honest I don't remember ever even seeing the team that the Peanuts gang was playing ball against all those years, they could have been Smurfs for all I know. But to answer your question, Reg, any day that they break Superman's back or have "Peppermint" Pauline drown when the dam goes out in Peanuttown just to boost readership is a dark day for all professions, film criticism included.
Now for the movies!
In Theaters Now:
Hardballs
James Bond is back, and this time his nemesis is a customer service rep at BMW who won't give 007 any love when his tricked-out Z8 starts making a weird clunking noise when he turns right. Not the most edge-of-your-seat Bond film to date, but for once I can really relate to his predicament.
Heart's in Atlantis
Following in the red-hot footsteps of last year's Oscar nominees Gladiator and Traffic, this year 70's hair band Heart enters the band-movie races with their mystical underwater adventure. Dubbed by some "The Not-So Little Mermaid", this flick features a mix of animation and live action, with plenty of Heart classics sang by fish, like "Barracuda", "All I Want to Do Is Make Love to Neptune" and "The Beautiful Briny Sea".
The Others
Finally, the Professor and Mary Ann get their own movie. Too bad it's a love story, I was
hoping for some clever cocoanut gadgets myself.
Planet of the Grape Apes
Nostalgia is big this month, and when I say big, I mean like 80-foot tall idiot gorilla big. This summer's special-effects blockbuster stars Mark Harmon as a cocksure astronaut who's interplanetary hot-dogging ends with him crash-landing on an uncharted planet in deep space, and landing on a small dog to boot. Before Harmon knows it, he's putting on a Beegily Beagily suit and driving a Minibus around, trying not to get sat on by any gigantic damn dirty purple apes and having comic misadventures in 22-minute bursts. This is thinking-man's sci-fi, with social overtones and dialogue that sticks with you for weeks, like: "You Moron! You Sat on My Car! Goddamn You to Hell!" "Grape Ape, Grape Ape?". Watch out for the double-whammy ending where Harmon discovers that the Grape Apes love grapes.
Now on Video:
Amorous Parrots
This sequel to the popular kidflick "Paulie" sees the wise-cracking Parrot (voiced by Woody Allen) sold to a bird breeder who plans to use him as a stud to boost her reproductive empire. But is the neurotic and self-doubting Paulie up to the task with a stable of big-crested female Parrots who only know how to say "Braaaaak, I've got a headache!" and who insist on being treated to dinner first? Finally, a sex comedy the whole family can enjoy.
Blow
Something tells me Pamela Anderson forgot to secure veto rights for the name of this sensationalized biography piece, and to be honest it's a little light on the home video footage. But still, American moviegoers should be happy they were spared a movie called "Pamdemonium" this year.
Enemy at the Gates'
Stephen Seagal's back and aiming for the techie crowd in his latest effort, where he portrays Megagazillionaire Bill Gates in his ass-kicking, neck-snapping battle against the US Justice Department. This one is a definite hit, and those of you out there who think computers are boring obviously haven't seen Seagal tenderize a courtroom full of DOJ thugs with PC keyboard. Sensitive strongman Carl Weathers classes up the production three notches with his turn as Judge Thomas "Action" Jackson.
Memento The Mexican
Loveable and hard-to-understand as ever, everyone's favorite tortilla mascot finally gets his own movie, and boy is it a doozie. Memento's donkey is so lazy that one day he has to pour hot sauce in the donkey's water pail to get him going, only he puts too much in and Mucho the Donkey runs away to the hills! I'm not even sure what Memento is doing for the rest of the film's 90 minute running time and most of it is in Spanish, but it hardly matters. I love that little guy!
The Tailor of Panama
Leave it to documentaries to shine the spotlight upon the hidden heroes of today's culture. This gem focuses on Armand DeJesus, the brilliant costume designer from Van Halen's seminal "Panama" video. Few men's greatness can be measured in Eddie Van Halen's pants, but Armand is the true exception in this case.
Alright folks, now that you're a better informed consumer, go on out there and consume!
What are you waiting for, an interest rate cut? See you next month!   |
