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October 29, 2001   
No longer accepting two-for-one coupons
homecommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Limbaugh Loses Control of Bodily Functions

"It's the absolute worst tragedy involving a large Nazi gasbag since the explosion of the Hindenburg," sez doctor
October 29, 2001
Hindquarter, VA
Danish Thomas/AP
Limbaugh speaking before a room of rhesus monkeys
P
opular radio talk-show host and notorious blowhard Rush Limbaugh was recently revealed to be in the terminal stages of losing the ability to perform any normal human function but talk. Very soon, Mr. Limbaugh will exist solely for the purpose of flapping his purplish, rubbery lips and belching out enormous amounts of miasmatic wind over the nation's airwaves.

"It's the absolute worst tragedy involving a large Nazi gasbag since the explosion of the Hindenburg," said Limbaugh's personal physician, Dr. H. Himmler. "Oh, the humanity, the humanity, the inanity…"

Dr. Himmler's colleague, Dr. J. Mengele, echoed the sentiment, saying that it is "natural for muscles that aren't used to atrophy, but we've never seen a case as advanced as this one in such a short time." Read more...

Poll Shows Americans Willing to Relinquish Rights

Drag bar patrons speak for a nation.
October 29, 2001
San Francisco, CA
Snapper Dougal
the commune's Stigmata Spent takes the pulse of San Francisco
A
recent poll has shown that, in the wake of the September 11 flight attendant's brunch gone bad, a vast majority of Americans would be willing to give up many of their Constitutional rights for a guarantee of some measure of safety and security and the chance to "sleep one full night without worrying about some goat-herder's son with bad breath slamming a loaded passenger jet into my apartment building," as one anonymous respondent put it.

Apparently, many citizens feel that a strong police state and the complete suspension of the Bill of Rights is the only way to keep terrorist activity from destroying our precious way of life. Among the rights that people polled would willingly give up are the right to privacy in their homes and persons, the right to avoid wiretaps and other...Read more...




October 29, 2001
Click for Biography

Volume 6

Dear commune:

I'm not sure who to ask, but I had a question. When was the
commune founded?

Kenny Myson,
Boston, Massachusetts



Dear Kenny:

That's different for each person. Only you can say when you found it,
and new people are finding it all the time. By the way, the proper
word is "found."

Literacy programs to help adults improve their reading skills are available all over the country. When you're not having fun at the commune, try starting at www.adultliteracy.com.
And thanks for being a commune patron!

the commune





Dear commune:

I anticipated trouble answering my question, so I thought ...Read more...

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Quote of the Day
“Give a man a fish, he eats today. Hide a fish in his jacket pocket and watch him go batshit trying to find where the smell's coming from.”

-John J. Jesusheimer Schmidt
Fortune 500 Cookie
Turns out your suspicions are correct and that Maurice Sendak book has been about you all this time. Peer-to-peer file-sharing claims its first victim when Metallica shows up at your house to beat the shit out of you. Remember to practice what you preach, because your preaching has been really amateur lately. Lucky numbers are all in Spanish this week.


Try again later.
5 Ways to Spend Your $208 Million Lottery Jackpot
1.Finance own album of you singing Broadway standards; pay people to buy it
2.Invest heavily in million-dollar ducks
3.Buy a car for everyone you know, something they could all fit in at once
4.Spend 208 nights with Demi Moore
5.Fund grassroots pro-President Bush campaigns
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

Top-Secret Hank Williams Jr. Song Will End Terrorism Forever

View Past Columns
BY roland mcshyster
10/29/2001
Sweet Jesus America, are you back again already? It looks like Uncle Roland will have to dig deep into his bag of goodies for some tender morsels to keep you entertainment hounds happy! How about we start with everyone's favorite Quid Pro Bono, Ask Roland?




Q. I've been an avid fan of yours since back in your days of writing movie reviews for the Radio Shack employee newsletter, and even your brief stint as a film reviewer for Trucker Girls Magazine. Looking through my collection of your reviews recently, I was startled to discover that you gave "Cock-Gobbling Space Sluts" a four-star review when you were writing for TGM. Excuse me? Were we watching the same movie? Only a truly desperate fan of low-budget erotic science fiction comedies would find this...Read more...