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President Bush Calls for A "Paranoid, Trigger-Happy America""Caution is our enemy," states President. October 1, 2001 |
Washington, DC Emilio Berternie/AP President Bush: Friggin' losing it
"Now, in this, our greatest moment," the President said Wednesday following the attacks, "it is important that our bloodlust reach critical levels. I'm so fucking angry I could shit a Buick. And I think all of America should follow suit."
Smoking a cigarette with an inch of ash still on the end, nervously loosening his tie and squinting through bloodshot eyes, the president promised swift and "all-out awesome" retaliation against "anybody; make that everybody. They're all going down this time."
"Some Americans have understandably tried to get on with their lives, to grieve for the victims and recapture some s...
rade Center and the Pentagon, President George "Nightmare" Bush has urged for Americans to unite and create a "paranoid, trigger-happy America."
"Now, in this, our greatest moment," the President said Wednesday following the attacks, "it is important that our bloodlust reach critical levels. I'm so fucking angry I could shit a Buick. And I think all of America should follow suit."
Smoking a cigarette with an inch of ash still on the end, nervously loosening his tie and squinting through bloodshot eyes, the president promised swift and "all-out awesome" retaliation against "anybody; make that everybody. They're all going down this time."
"Some Americans have understandably tried to get on with their lives, to grieve for the victims and recapture some sense of normalcy. I urge restraint in this matter at this time. This is not the time to calmly and logically turn to religion, family, or community. Now is the time to pissing apeshit."
Bush finished his press conference by throwing up his desk and punching out a window in the Oval office.
Later, around 4:30 a.m., the president stumbled out onto the lawn with a pistol in hand, firing blindly at the sky and screaming, "I'm right here! I'm right here, you fucking monsters! Come and get it! If you dare!"
A visibly shaken, tearful President Bush was then escorted by Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld back into the White House, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders.
President Bush continued to encourage the nation from a small, dimly-lit room in an unreleased location three days later.
"The high demand for guns, firearms, flags, and gas has been spectacular. The call has been made for quick, thoughtless action. For rage and violence. The American people, as always, have answered the call.
"What was that?" the president asked with wide eyes darting about the dank cellar. "Did you hear that?"
He then fired several shots into a nearby secret service agent who reportedly had a "weird glint in his eye." the commune News would like to take this opportunity to express our love for America by flying our Confederate flag at half-mast until further notice. Ivan "Scooter" Nacutchacokov is American as apple pie and has never even been to the Midwest, so you can stop with the dirty looks people.
 | American Afghans Apprehended, Interred In CampsControversial concentration pounds activated October 1, 2001 |
Plimpton, CT Ramrod Hurley Interred Afghan American Kiwi
The Afghan, a popular breed of mid-size long-haired dog, was reportedly introduced to America several years ago by Chinese guys who brought them here originally to eat them, reported commune Research Editor Griswald Dreck. Also, horses were originally introduced to our country as indentured servants.
Dog Fancy magazine estimates the number of interred Afghans could reach 5,000 before the end of the week. Already several Afghans face additional charges of disobeying the new law by not reporting their whereabouts.
"We said, 'Sit. Stay.' And these dogs have disobeyed," said Attorney General John Ashcr...
n a controversial move, Congress has barely passed a bill allowing the arrest and internment of thousands of American-born Afghans in "government pounds."
The Afghan, a popular breed of mid-size long-haired dog, was reportedly introduced to America several years ago by Chinese guys who brought them here originally to eat them, reported commune Research Editor Griswald Dreck. Also, horses were originally introduced to our country as indentured servants.
Dog Fancy magazine estimates the number of interred Afghans could reach 5,000 before the end of the week. Already several Afghans face additional charges of disobeying the new law by not reporting their whereabouts.
"We said, 'Sit. Stay.' And these dogs have disobeyed," said Attorney General John Ashcroft. "Bad dogs. Bad, bad dogs."
Across the United States, pet owners and sympathizers are outraged by what they call an unfounded, prejudicial law.
"These dogs are good Americans," said Nancy Martin, owner of three Afghans interred because of the new law. "Mumu, Gaia, and Kiwi were born right here in this country. They eat American food, they wear American-made sweaters and make bad on American rugs. Not Persian. Certainly not Afghanese. Bad dogs? I say, 'Bad lawmakers. Bad, bad lawmakers.'" the commune News believes in socially responsible reporting and our staff practices safe sex at least seven times a day. Ramrod Hurley is a freelance journalist, photographer, and according to Lil Duncan, "Poppinazi". Ramrod is reporting for the commune news while he searches out a publisher for his new book, "If These Tits Could Talk: A Lil Duncan Biography".
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 October 15, 2001 Volume 5Dear commune:
I feel a little dumb even asking this, but since the Sept. 11th terrorist attacks I've been plagued in my mind with the same question: Why can't the U.S.A. find Osama bin Laden? He is only one man and Afghanistan is a country smaller than the state of Texas. It seems like if we were serious about it, we could do it.
Don Hoffman,
Winston-Salem, Massachusetts
Dear Don:
We have turned your question over to commune Research Editor Griswald Dreck:
"Don, of course Osama bin Laden is only one man; unfortunately, this one man is a master of black magic and is able to walk through shadows like portals to other dimensions. One minute Osama Loddy-Dotty can be in some Quaker plantation milking butter, then the ne...
º Last Column: Volume 4
º more columns
Dear commune: I feel a little dumb even asking this, but since the Sept. 11th terrorist attacks I've been plagued in my mind with the same question: Why can't the U.S.A. find Osama bin Laden? He is only one man and Afghanistan is a country smaller than the state of Texas. It seems like if we were serious about it, we could do it. Don Hoffman,
Winston-Salem, MassachusettsDear Don:
We have turned your question over to commune Research Editor Griswald Dreck:
"Don, of course Osama bin Laden is only one man; unfortunately, this one man is a master of black magic and is able to walk through shadows like portals to other dimensions. One minute Osama Loddy-Dotty can be in some Quaker plantation milking butter, then the next he is back in Afghanistan sewing outfits for his 7-year-old soldiers. And in another split second he can walk through another shadow and be under your bed, planting a bomb or whatever suits him. And let us not forget the magical amulet he has that turns him into a cardboard cutout. One minute our military is coming in and the next they find that who they thought was Osama bin Laden in the flesh is actually a celebrity cutout for people who want to get their picture taken with him or for displays in book stores when his autobiography comes out—or so they thought!"
Thanks for your question.
the commune
Dear commune: Last night I saw your editor, Red Bagel, on the Conan O'Brien show and he was full of more alcohol than Dean Martin's piss. He kept calling Conan "Carmine" and demanding that the band play "She Drives Me Crazy" by the Fine Young Cannibals. I was deeply ashamed to be a commune reader, and then I saw the Conan O'Brien show and everything was alright again. But beyond that, I was intrigued by some of the specific drunken ramblings of Bagel to the NBC talk show host. He kept mentioning the "other angle" of the Kennedy assassination, alluding to, I suspect, some additional footage of the assassination of John F. Kennedy other than the Zapruder film that has not been released to the public. May I please know more of this? Emil Zender,
D'Artagnan, WashingtonDear Emil:
Red was, in fact, referring to the "other angle" of the assassination of John F. Kennedy, Jr., though the mistake is understandable since the junior Kennedy is widely believed to have died in a plane crash owing to difficulty with the weather. According to Red, the truth would open a vast conspiracy so dark and terrifying that Americans everywhere would collectively vomit upon hearing it.
Red is the leader in an effort to bring the truth behind Kennedy's alleged assassination to public attention, asserting that there is footage out there, taped by the same guy who caught the Rodney King beating on camera, an ex-C.I.A. man known as "Super Fudge" in innermost circles. This footage captures an angle at which you can clearly see government-trained gremlins having sexual congress with the right side of the plane, and Kennedy, though a skilled pilot, was unable to save the plane from crashing into the sea. Though why Red calls this footage the "other angle" is anyone's guess, since no footage of the Kennedy plane crash is available to our knowledge.
The details and reasons why are known, Red assures us, but he says no one accuses Shirley Temple Black and Blue Oyster Cult of pre-meditated murder without ample proof, so he is reluctant to reveal any information until the much-sought "other angle" footage is in his grubby little hands first.
Thanks for asking, Emil.
the commune
Dear commune: I like what you're doing with your little commune thing here. Very nifty. I've tried investing in stock for the commune, but apparently you can't buy it in regular markets. I was wondering, does the commune have a mission statement? Are there any rules for commune reports, or guidelines to follow? DeWayne Juan
New York City, New YorkDear DeWayne:
You cannot purchase commune stock anywhere, we are not a corporation up for sale to the highest bidder. You can, however, get free commune stock by collecting Rolly Cigarettes coupons and sending them in, though most people opt for the reversible hunting hat.
We at the commune have a mission statement like anyone intent on delivering quality service to the customer. However, the mission statement has changed several times over the years since the staff usually cannot agree on any one statement. Our first mission statement was "Put out or get out." After that we switched to, "You don't have to be crazy to work here, but cocoa humping donkey." A few folks laughed at that but others didn't care for it, so we started going with, "Good to the last goddamn drop," and of course that offended the coffee people and Christians. We replaced our mission statement with some indecipherable clucking noises for a while, and that was doing fine, but we eventually decided to change it again.
This is our most recent mission statement, and it hangs proudly on the door of our New York offices: "I don't see any bright ideas coming from you, Mr. Bigshot with the fat mouth and all."
And every day all of the commune reporters, columnists, sponsors, and staff nurses do their damndest to make that statement true. Thanks for writing, DeWayne.
the commune
Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for nobody but the commune, and the commune don't need nobody neither, so you can just go back to living with your mom and leave the commune to it's stacks of Maxims and Guns & Ammo, the commune will be fine. You'll see.º Last Column: Volume 4º more columns | 
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Quote of the Day“Ask not what your country can do for you; cuz trust me, you ain't gonna get shit that way.”
-John Fitzpatrick KentuckyFortune 500 CookieOrganization is the key to surviving life's travails. Try sorting your problems large to small, then run like hell. Nobody can stand your face, voice or odor, but on the upside, everyone likes your car. This week's lucky ways to die: hanging plus drowning, three-year diarrhea, shop 'til you drop, the summertime blues.
Try again later.Top Surprising Oscar Snubs| 1. | Yentle 2: Yentler | | 2. | The Berenstain Bears Don't Care | | 3. | The Diary of Al Franken | | 4. | assBUSHhole: An Empire in Decline | | 5. | Jamie Foxx in Socks | |
|   Report: ’Osama’ Least Popular Name for American Babies BY roland mcshyster 10/1/2001 Welcome back to Entertainment Police, gents and gentiles, I hope you came hungry for some fresh whinin' and opinin'. We've got a new batch of movies for you to ogle and unlike the last batch, we promise these won't turn out to be Gremlins. But before we get to that, let's take a moment for America's favorite back-and-forth: Ask Roland!
Q. I recently watched the film "Hannibal" and have to admit that I was troubled by the pigs who eat people. I live next-door to a pig farm and ever since I saw that movie, I am afraid of those pigs. Sometimes, at night, I can see them looking at me through the fence with their greedy little pig eyes, and I can only imagine that they're thinking that I'd be good to eat with some scrambled eggs and biscuits. Roland, can you set the record s...
Welcome back to Entertainment Police, gents and gentiles, I hope you came hungry for some fresh whinin' and opinin'. We've got a new batch of movies for you to ogle and unlike the last batch, we promise these won't turn out to be Gremlins. But before we get to that, let's take a moment for America's favorite back-and-forth: Ask Roland!
Q. I recently watched the film "Hannibal" and have to admit that I was troubled by the pigs who eat people. I live next-door to a pig farm and ever since I saw that movie, I am afraid of those pigs. Sometimes, at night, I can see them looking at me through the fence with their greedy little pig eyes, and I can only imagine that they're thinking that I'd be good to eat with some scrambled eggs and biscuits. Roland, can you set the record straight? Do pigs really eat people?
Max Falcon, Corn Hole, Kansas
A. Thanks for your question Max. You should be able to sleep better at night knowing that of course pigs don't eat people! As a matter of fact, people eat pigs! It may surprise you to know that they're always screwing up little details like this in the movies. We have eagle-eyed viewers like yourself to thank when Hollywood is called to the carpet for their frequent oversights and blunders.
Q. Roland, what do you think of the recent death of Pauline Kael and what it will mean to the future of film criticism?
Regina Lumley,
Newtons Curve, Vermont
A. That's a great question, Regina. "Peppermint" Pauline has been a fixture in the Peanuts world since I was a boy, and few will miss her more acutely than Roland McShyster. It seems like just yesterday that she was calling Charlie Brown "Chuck" and goosing him behind the water fountain. To be honest, if I'd been a Peanuts character ("Rolo", perhaps?) I would have been all over her. And she probably would have gone for me, too. Hell, she didn't even know Snoopy was a dog, so she probably could have really used some glasses. Her loss? My gain! My friends always told me she played for the wrong team but to be honest I don't remember ever even seeing the team that the Peanuts gang was playing ball against all those years, they could have been Smurfs for all I know. But to answer your question, Reg, any day that they break Superman's back or have "Peppermint" Pauline drown when the dam goes out in Peanuttown just to boost readership is a dark day for all professions, film criticism included.
Now for the movies!
In Theaters Now:
Hardballs
James Bond is back, and this time his nemesis is a customer service rep at BMW who won't give 007 any love when his tricked-out Z8 starts making a weird clunking noise when he turns right. Not the most edge-of-your-seat Bond film to date, but for once I can really relate to his predicament.
Heart's in Atlantis
Following in the red-hot footsteps of last year's Oscar nominees Gladiator and Traffic, this year 70's hair band Heart enters the band-movie races with their mystical underwater adventure. Dubbed by some "The Not-So Little Mermaid", this flick features a mix of animation and live action, with plenty of Heart classics sang by fish, like "Barracuda", "All I Want to Do Is Make Love to Neptune" and "The Beautiful Briny Sea".
The Others
Finally, the Professor and Mary Ann get their own movie. Too bad it's a love story, I was
hoping for some clever cocoanut gadgets myself.
Planet of the Grape Apes
Nostalgia is big this month, and when I say big, I mean like 80-foot tall idiot gorilla big. This summer's special-effects blockbuster stars Mark Harmon as a cocksure astronaut who's interplanetary hot-dogging ends with him crash-landing on an uncharted planet in deep space, and landing on a small dog to boot. Before Harmon knows it, he's putting on a Beegily Beagily suit and driving a Minibus around, trying not to get sat on by any gigantic damn dirty purple apes and having comic misadventures in 22-minute bursts. This is thinking-man's sci-fi, with social overtones and dialogue that sticks with you for weeks, like: "You Moron! You Sat on My Car! Goddamn You to Hell!" "Grape Ape, Grape Ape?". Watch out for the double-whammy ending where Harmon discovers that the Grape Apes love grapes.
Now on Video:
Amorous Parrots
This sequel to the popular kidflick "Paulie" sees the wise-cracking Parrot (voiced by Woody Allen) sold to a bird breeder who plans to use him as a stud to boost her reproductive empire. But is the neurotic and self-doubting Paulie up to the task with a stable of big-crested female Parrots who only know how to say "Braaaaak, I've got a headache!" and who insist on being treated to dinner first? Finally, a sex comedy the whole family can enjoy.
Blow
Something tells me Pamela Anderson forgot to secure veto rights for the name of this sensationalized biography piece, and to be honest it's a little light on the home video footage. But still, American moviegoers should be happy they were spared a movie called "Pamdemonium" this year.
Enemy at the Gates'
Stephen Seagal's back and aiming for the techie crowd in his latest effort, where he portrays Megagazillionaire Bill Gates in his ass-kicking, neck-snapping battle against the US Justice Department. This one is a definite hit, and those of you out there who think computers are boring obviously haven't seen Seagal tenderize a courtroom full of DOJ thugs with PC keyboard. Sensitive strongman Carl Weathers classes up the production three notches with his turn as Judge Thomas "Action" Jackson.
Memento The Mexican
Loveable and hard-to-understand as ever, everyone's favorite tortilla mascot finally gets his own movie, and boy is it a doozie. Memento's donkey is so lazy that one day he has to pour hot sauce in the donkey's water pail to get him going, only he puts too much in and Mucho the Donkey runs away to the hills! I'm not even sure what Memento is doing for the rest of the film's 90 minute running time and most of it is in Spanish, but it hardly matters. I love that little guy!
The Tailor of Panama
Leave it to documentaries to shine the spotlight upon the hidden heroes of today's culture. This gem focuses on Armand DeJesus, the brilliant costume designer from Van Halen's seminal "Panama" video. Few men's greatness can be measured in Eddie Van Halen's pants, but Armand is the true exception in this case.
Alright folks, now that you're a better informed consumer, go on out there and consume!
What are you waiting for, an interest rate cut? See you next month!   |
