Top-Secret Hank Williams Jr. Song Will End Terrorism Forever

October 29, 2001

Sexest, TX

SKEETER GOMEZ/AP

Hank Williams Jr. fixinâ€™ to show America the way

he long-awaited response from Hank Williams, Jr. to all the terrorist events since Sept. 11th is due out Tuesday, and spokesbillies for Williams, Jr. state that it is the much-sought secret weapon that will end the battle against terrorism.

â€œYâ€™all donâ€™t even know what the Man With the Plan is gonna unveil,â€ Bobby Ray Humpstein, a representative from Williams, Jr.â€™s South Will Rise Again corporation. â€œIâ€™ll tell you what: This is it. For all oâ€™ them terrorists and whats.â€

Williams, Jr. has lit the way for U.S. response to attacks and threats from abroad. Since the 1980s, Williams, Jr. songs have provided much-needed direction against such enemies as the Soviet Union, Libya, Syria, Iran, Iraq, Manuel Noriega, Bosnian Serbs, drug dealers, and Democrats.

The latest song has been the most awaited and needed, as America seeks ways to angrily retaliate and know exactly what kind of bomb should be dropped on who and at what time. Consequently, fearing terrorist attempts to destroy any lyric sheets or even Williams, Jr. himself, all information regarding the song has been kept â€œbesecretedâ€ by Williams, Jr. and all his rowdy friends.

Early reports from insiders suggest that bin Laden will be referred to as a â€œjackassâ€ or a â€œdonkey-ridinâ€™ instigator.â€ U.S. policy makers and Williams, Jr. experts suggest that the song will urge retaliation in the form of dropping a big olâ€™ bomb right down that bastardâ€™s throat.

Undoubtedly, the song will be instrumental not only in leading any new U.S. policy against Afghanistan and bin Laden, but also inspiring thousands of Americans back into large hats and belt buckles.

the commune news is not to be mistaken for that lousy pop group from the 80's and for the last time, caller, Huey Newton doesn't work here. Ted Ted wants to know that if Chevy Trucks live up to their slogan "Like Iraq", does that mean his Silverado is going to gas his family while they sleep? If that's the case Ted Ted wishes he'd bought a Daihatsu.

Bin Laden Fails to Show Up for Terrorism Awards Show

October 29, 2001

Washington, DC

Junior Bacon

Even Destiny's Child's sizzling performance was not enough to bring the reclusive Saudi out of hiding

ast nightâ€™s Academy of Terrorism Awards show was a disappointment to all, as the coveted Terrorist of the Year award was won by no-show Osama bin Laden. The awards show, held at the Pentagon in Washington, D.C., in fact failed to supply any of the terrorists who won awards.

â€œObviously, weâ€™re sad to see not one of the big winners this year turned out,â€ said Special Forces Commander Joe Don Dawson, presenter of this yearâ€™s Outstanding Terrorist Event award. â€œItâ€™s a huge shame. But really, it was sort of a longshot anyway. I mean, that theyâ€™d show up.â€

Dawson then gave a hand signal and several dozen black-clad commandoes rappelled down the side of the auditorium walls, disassembling their weapons and moving single file to the exits.

Some news sources have claimed the Terrorism Awards show is an overt attempt to lure bin Laden and other Al Qaeda terrorist network officials out of hiding so the U.S. government can apprehend them.

â€œWho told youâ€”â€œ started President George W. Bush, then correcting himself in a calm manner, responded, â€œOf course not. The Academy of Terrorism presents these awards annually for outstanding, uhâ€¦ you know, excellencism in the field of terrorism and such.â€

According to other news sources, despite the presidentâ€™s claim, this is the first year on record for the Terrorism Awards show. In fact, no address for the Academy of Terrorism could be verified, and names given as leaders of the Academy are all obvious joke names like â€œSeymour Coxâ€ and â€œJacques Trap.â€

If the Academy of Terrorism and the Awards show are both genuine, it stands as a great coincidence all recipients of this yearâ€™s â€œBoomieâ€ awards were also on the U.S. Most Wanted Terrorists list recently released by President Bush.

the commune news is never as â€œnewsâ€ as you want it to be and certainly not as much â€œcommuneâ€ as you were expecting. Lil Duncan runs a tight ship here, boys, and no one gets off without her permission.

October 29, 2001

Migglio the Monkey

º Last Column: Lookin' a Gassed Horse in the Mouse
º more columns

When Ned was a boy he liked few things more than throwin' rocks at boats down on the shores of the ol' Pomak river. Them boats would steam on by, their big paddlewheels a splooshin' along like so many scum filters in the aquariums. The ladies in their hoopty skirts and the gentlemanly types in their bowties and ice cream suits would wave to Ned from the boats, holdin' them Martinis and smilin' like it was time to get a picture taken to send to some poor kids in Somnabiqua so they'd know who was the folks sent them all that pocket change and lil' bits of crackers and rice kernels. Them folks would smile and wave at little Neddy, and Ned would sure as April rains throw rocks at them peoples and try to knock them right out of their four-dollar shoes. When Ned was especially small, his flung rocks only made it about half-way and them ladies and gentlemen would laugh at Ned, pointing their fingers and breaking sweet wind in his direction. But each year that went by them peoples laughed a little less and looked a little more concerned, and some of them even took to carryin' umbrellas out on the deck in case Ned should hit a growins spurt and gain some extra yardage.

Finally, when Ned was eight he was able to fling them rocks right up onto the decks of them boats, and them peoples who formerly had been laughin' would yell and duck and sometimes throw rocks, and deck chairs, and Cuban waiters back at Ned. These were high times, and Ned would often find himself on the banks of the Pomak, doubled over with laughter or sometimes with a gushin' head wound from a particularly well-returned stone. One time this was the case, and Ned done fell over, with laughin or with takin a head shot, it's not Ned's time to recall which it was, but when Ned was on the ground some Gypsies come along and scooped Nedder right up into a sack and onto them horses.

Them Gypsies done built a little wooden cage for Ned, just big enough for him to crouch inside, with designs and little dancin' bears painted all up it and down it. They would carry Nedro from town to town, where they'd set up a little stage in the woods and charge the townfolk a nickel to watch Ned dance and sing little songs, and play poker with a little miniature monkey named Migglio.

Neddle and Migglio was fast friends, as they bonded over knowin' that Migglio was scooped up by them Gypsies in much the same fashion, one day when he was flingin' fig newtons at the King of Morocco. Ned an' Migglio was inseperatistable in them days, sittin' in their wooden cages and singin' Al Jolsen songs in them two-part harmonies.

One day Ned and Migglio come up with a plan to escape from them Gypsies. Them caravan of Gypsies was comin' back through the town where Nedder was from, and that night after Ned and Migglio done finished their show, Migglio went and hid in a big cast-iron pot while Ned went back to his cage like nothin' was the wiser. Them plan was for that Migglio to wait until everyone was sleepin', then go an' grab the keys to Ned's cage, and they'd be off like two jackals in a bobsled.

Ned sat up an waited for them Gypsies to fall asleep, but at the same time he done gone an' fell asleep hisself. Them Gypsies woke Ned up for dinner and they all ate some monkey soup and then them Gypsies went asleep. Ned waited and waited, but Migglio never come. Late into the night, when the moon were high as an opera star in a coca farm, it donned on Nedder. That little monkey bastard! Migglio done left without Ned!

Ned decided enoughs was enoughs so he stuck he legs out through the bars of his little wooden cage, tipped it on over and scrambled out of Dodge like a turtle made of wood. When Ned got home his parents was mad at him for stayin' out for eight months without permission, on a school night no less, and for not being there to tuck in the hedgehogs at night. They busted Ned out of his wooden cage and he went to tuck them hedgehogs in, cursing that little bastard monkey Migglio all the while.

º Last Column: Lookin' a Gassed Horse in the Mouse
º more columns

Milestones

1931: Former commune columnist Sampson L. Hartwig forfeits another "Race Around the World" when it is discovered that he merely hid in a barn for three days, then took a taxi in from the opposite side of town, claiming victory.

Now Hiring

Compulsive Ass-Kisser. Shameless suck-up needed to boost general staff morale and cut down on work days lost to crippling depression. Total lack of discernment required. Insane "Never met a man I didn't like" attitude a plus.

Top Pants-Missing Explanations

1.	Busted out Hulk-style
2.	Told one lie too many
3.	Busted out Louie Anderson-style
4.	What, aren't you hot?
5.	Talked out of them by gay Casanova
6.	Made ass look big
7.	Donated to killer mandroid from future
8.	Realized parachute pants went out of style in 1986
9.	Sat in ham
10.	You kidding? Pants are so 2002

God Drops Ball on Giants

BY roland mcshyster

10/29/2001

Sweet Jesus America, are you back again already? It looks like Uncle Roland will have to dig deep into his bag of goodies for some tender morsels to keep you entertainment hounds happy! How about we start with everyone's favorite Quid Pro Bono, Ask Roland?

Q. I've been an avid fan of yours since back in your days of writing movie reviews for the Radio Shack employee newsletter, and even your brief stint as a film reviewer for Trucker Girls Magazine. Looking through my collection of your reviews recently, I was startled to discover that you gave "Cock-Gobbling Space Sluts" a four-star review when you were writing for TGM. Excuse me? Were we watching the same movie? Only a truly desperate fan of low-budget erotic science fiction comedies would find this...