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God Drops Ball on GiantsAlmighty's boner ends Giants' playoff hopes. October 15, 2001 |
San Francisco, CA Noonan Pricely/AP Barry Bonds monopolizing God's time lately.
"Yeah, I guess I kind of fucked up on that one," Mr. Being said with a sheepish, omniscient grin. "What happened was, I got so excited by seeing Barry Bonds break McGwire's home run record that I like totally forgot that they needed to win that night to stay in the pennant race. The plan had been for them to win all three games against the Dodgers, while...
he Supreme Being, variously known throughout the world as God, Jehovah, Allah and other aliases, admits to fumbling the San Francisco Giants' chances for post-season play in the recent Friday night game against the Los Angeles Dodgers. It was a mistake that was more costly than -- and almost as memorable as -- the time Jose Canseco had a fly ball bounce off his head and over the fence for a home run. Score that E-Almighty One.
"Yeah, I guess I kind of fucked up on that one," Mr. Being said with a sheepish, omniscient grin. "What happened was, I got so excited by seeing Barry Bonds break McGwire's home run record that I like totally forgot that they needed to win that night to stay in the pennant race. The plan had been for them to win all three games against the Dodgers, while I was going to have Arizona lose a couple to the Milwaukee Brewers, then I would favor the Giants in the one-game playoff against Arizona, but I guess that's all just academic now."
God admitted that He was a bit sidetracked by Bonds' repeated entreaties for help in breaking the home run mark, and his pointing to the sky and thanking Him every time he crossed home plate.
"We got caught up in a couple of those 'You da man,' 'No, YOU da man!' exchanges, and I just lost track of the larger scheme of things. Plus, I was still pretty pissed at the failure of the Houston Astros to pitch to him until the very last at-bat of that series down at Enron Field, and I've been busy devising ways for them to suffer next season. How does a plague of locusts in the infield and a couple of nine-game losing streaks for that bunch of Nancy-boys sound?"
When it was pointed out that Houston made the playoffs this year by virtue of the Giants having lost, He replied, with a hint of irritation, "Look, just because I'm omniscient doesn't mean I can be everywhere at once, all right?"
Another factor, God said, was the length of the game. He also suggested that alcohol may have played a part in his team-deflating error.
"Man, that game went hella long," He said, while shaking his eternally unfathomable head. "Excuse me, I should've said 'hecka long,' heh. But besides that, I'd had a few brewskies by the time the late innings arrived. In fact, quite a few, to say the least. So, you know, I was maybe a little asleep at the switch. But hey, at least I wasn't driving or operating heavy machinery, if you know what I'm saying."
The Lord then abruptly ended the interview, saying he had a lot on his mind lately, and really just needed "a couple aspirin and some quiet down time." Reporters were left with His spokes-object, a charred and smoldering bush that refused to answer any further questions. the commune news would like to take this opportunity to make it clear that we don't have any goddamned children, so you can kindly shove that bumpersticker up your sactimonious collective ass, thank you very much. Also, you have a tail light out. If Wallace E. Watermelon had any friends at all -- even one -- he'd ask them to call him "Wally." Do you know anyone that's looking for a friend to call Wally?
 | CNN Charged with Leaking Vital InformationOctober 15, 2001 |
New York, NY SANWAT SITIEU/AP Osama bin Laden's headquarters, before the missile attack
On Oct. 10th, the Attorney General charges, a regular broadcast of news covering American retaliation on Afghanistan was interrupted by a news bulletin handed to news anchor Andrea Thompson.
“This just in: ‘Duck, bin Laden! Look out! Behind you! Get down!” Thompson stated frantically, jumping up and down and gesturing downwards.
The report, the Department of Defense states, was intercepted instantaneously by Osama bin Laden and his Al Qa...
merica’s Cable News Network, CNN, owned by the AOL-Time-Warner Corporation, has been charged with leaking vital information threatening national security after a broadcast of intricate military strike operations allegedly interfered with U.S. attacks on Afghanistan and the Al Qaeda terrorist networks. On Oct. 10th, the Attorney General charges, a regular broadcast of news covering American retaliation on Afghanistan was interrupted by a news bulletin handed to news anchor Andrea Thompson. “This just in: ‘Duck, bin Laden! Look out! Behind you! Get down!” Thompson stated frantically, jumping up and down and gesturing downwards. The report, the Department of Defense states, was intercepted instantaneously by Osama bin Laden and his Al Qaeda terrorist network through an illegal cable hook-up obtained for an extra $50 to the cable guy. At that moment, bin Laden and his associates ducked and missles flew harmlessly over their heads, destroying innocent civilian sites and leaving the Al Qaeda network unharmed. “This grievous, I even charge treasonous behavior will not be tolerated,” Attorney General John Ashcroft raged. “I support the freedom of the press as much as the next guy.” Ashcroft then gestured to Sen. Orrin Hatch, conveniently standing by. “But in this case, CNN endangered an operation that could’ve saved the lives of many Americans, civilian and military. Why couldn’t you keep your big mouth shut?” This is not the first time the Cable News Network has been accused of interfering with national security interests. In 1989, charges were leveled against CNN for a report that allegedly allowed Manuel Noriega to escape a U.S. military operation. “Don’t go in there, Noriega!” then-correspondent Bobbie Battista screamed from her anchor desk, as Noriega reportedly was about to enter an airport where U.S. Navy S.E.A.L.s awaited him. “No! Not that door, stupid! The back door, get out the back! Jesus, look out! They’re all around you!” Noriega did not escape capture, and despite arguments from detractors of CNN, the happy victory allowed CNN to get by with only a stern warning. Officials now say if Osama bin Laden and his Al Qaeda network commit more atrocities in the U.S., CNN will face numerous backlashes, including possible charges of treason and the caning of Larry King. The commune news is out of order, you’re out of order, this whole damn court is out of order. And so’s the vending machine. Ramon Nootles is positively yummy on crackers.
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 October 15, 2001 All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth, and a Robotic Dinosaurthe commune's Steve Kepple has an early Christmas request Every year when Christmas rolls around, kids everywhere are treated to the months of anticipation and hours of fun that only a really awesome Christmas present can bring. Unless they get a robot dog that's retarded.
Last year for Christmas I got a retarded robot dog. It doesn't do anything cool. I was hoping that my robot dog would have heat vision or at least be able to curse in French, but all it does is eat puppy food and pee on the couch. I told my mom and dad that we should check the instructions, because they probably put the batteries in backwards. That happened one year when I got the Hot Wheels Detailing Shop for Christmas and it started smoking and caught the drapes on fire. That wasn't such a big deal though since Billy Doogan down the street got the same thing and...
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Every year when Christmas rolls around, kids everywhere are treated to the months of anticipation and hours of fun that only a really awesome Christmas present can bring. Unless they get a robot dog that's retarded.
Last year for Christmas I got a retarded robot dog. It doesn't do anything cool. I was hoping that my robot dog would have heat vision or at least be able to curse in French, but all it does is eat puppy food and pee on the couch. I told my mom and dad that we should check the instructions, because they probably put the batteries in backwards. That happened one year when I got the Hot Wheels Detailing Shop for Christmas and it started smoking and caught the drapes on fire. That wasn't such a big deal though since Billy Doogan down the street got the same thing and his Hot Wheels always looked lame after that, he could never get the paint to go on smooth and all of his cars looked like they were fresh out of a burn ward. But last year I was excited about the robot dog so I thought we should check the directions. My mom and dad said that Santa hadn't brought any directions but I think they were just afraid of being wrong again, like the year I wanted the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers video and it turned out dad got confused and got me Nightly Muff'n Pussy Rangers instead. Dad thought we should just keep it but mom made him take it back and get the right one.
So last year I was stuck with a retarded robot dog that probably had the batteries in backwards. Or maybe it's just deflective from the factory, but something's definitely wrong. My friend Carl Washbaum got a deflective Poo-Chi for his birthday one time and all it would do was rub it's butt on the floor while it made the noise from electronic battleship, and mine is at least ten times more screwed up than his. I even think that mine's getting bigger, which is definitely not supposed to happen. If it keeps this up, pretty soon I won't be able to close the lid on my toybox.
At least Carl's deflective Poo-Chi was fun for a while. We used to hide it under his older sister's bed and she would run around, looking for her cell phone every time it went off. Mine just makes whining noises and chews on an old tennis shoe. And if you thought a Tamagotchi had to be fed a lot, you obviously have never owned a retarded robot dog.
My parents thought I might have fun with my robot dog if I taught it to do some tricks. Billy Doogan has a robot parrot that he taught to say "Fuck You Asshole" just like in Terminator so I thought my robot dog might be able to do some cool tricks too. But unless you consider crapping on the kitchen floor to be a real special trick, my robot dog just plain sucks at tricks. No "Simon Says", no adapter to connect to my Nintendo 64, nothing. I did see him eat a potato beetle over by the pantry one time but I'm having a hard time figuring out how to impress my friends with that one.
It's hard not getting your butt kicked at school when you're missing a front tooth and you whistle when you say "Miss Spankenauber" in class. Everybody thinks you have a crush on the teacher and that means serious underwear violations. Richie Turner really does have a crush on Miss Spankenauber, but his dad brought him a GameCube from Japan last month so he's pretty much untouchable.
If you think a lousy retarded robot dog is going to keep me from coming home with snapped underwear elastic and that it's going to restore my status among my classmates, you're sorely mistaken. At this point, there's only one thing that's going to set things right: a robot dinosaur.
A robot dinosaur would be bound to do some awesome tricks, and probably could eat other kids' robot pets alive. Maybe even other kids. And I bet it could do my homework, too, or at least scare Miss Spankenauber into giving me less workbook pages to do every night. And I'm sure it's got some kind of flashcard mode or some kind of educational thing going on somewhere in there, easily making it a better choice than that lame-o "LearnCo Systems Tutoring Funputer" that I know my parents have been looking at. And I'd be willing to bet you never have to mash up a heartworm pill into a robot dinosaur's food every night. º Last Column: Where the Fuck's Jesus?º more columns | 
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Milestones2000: Ramrod Hurley is hired as a commune correspondent after the failure of his startup internet company, www.poopoftheday.com.Now HiringExtras. Positions available for extras in Boogie Nights 2. Minimum wage, lunch provided as well as SAG credit. Full frontal nudity required, well-endowed equipment or prosthetics a plus. Bestselling Books| 1. | The Tired Lawyer Concept
John Grisham | | 2. | Sexual Intercourse For Dummies
Mitch Harvey | | 3. | Networking For Assholes
Kelly Ward | | 4. | Spanish For the Impotent
Dean Harmon | | 5. | The Dysfunctional Family Who Could Not Suppress Their Problems For One Lousy Thanksgiving
Rupert Baird | |
|   Strip Club Flag Wars BY roland mcshyster 10/15/2001 Hey there kids and kidophiles, welcome to Roland's neck of the woods for another stab at finding something fun to do this weekend. We're here once again to poke the bloated, gassy corpse of this week's new releases with a stick to see if it makes any funny noises.
And should you find yourself with any extra expendable income this weekend, why not make a contribution to The Roland McShyster House? We help culturally disadvantaged kids find stuff to do when they're bored, like clean my boat or weed a ravine. And what's better, it counts as community service in the eyes of the court, and that's hard to beat! So what the hell, spend a buck or two, or several exponential multiples of two dollars, to make a kid feel like he's earning his keep. It might even relieve some of that guil...
Hey there kids and kidophiles, welcome to Roland's neck of the woods for another stab at finding something fun to do this weekend. We're here once again to poke the bloated, gassy corpse of this week's new releases with a stick to see if it makes any funny noises.
And should you find yourself with any extra expendable income this weekend, why not make a contribution to The Roland McShyster House? We help culturally disadvantaged kids find stuff to do when they're bored, like clean my boat or weed a ravine. And what's better, it counts as community service in the eyes of the court, and that's hard to beat! So what the hell, spend a buck or two, or several exponential multiples of two dollars, to make a kid feel like he's earning his keep. It might even relieve some of that guilt you've been feeling about renting all that Asian porn lately.
And you don't need the money, trust me. Most of these movies suck anyway.
On to the movies!
In Theaters Now:
Don't Say a Word
Sometimes, when a studio gets ready to put out a movie and, in the final polishing stages, they realize that the script was written by an inbred hillbilly flypaper salesman while he was drunk on Rogaine, and the resulting movie is so bad that the print actually smells like cat pee, they try to control the damage by not letting critics see the film before it's released. This is known in the business as "Sneaking the Farmer's Daughter Out to the Barn While the Farmer is Passed-Out Drunk and in a Full-Body Cast". Sometimes this works, and sometimes all the cat pee causes the film to catch on fire and the audience revolts, dropping their popcorn on the floor and spilling out into the streets to overturn traffic safety cones and kick tumbleweeds. Other times, the film is so unbelievably bad that the studio sets up a secret bribe system for all of the nation's film reviewers (except Rex Reed, he likes everything anyway and just reviews movies to get attention), which they subtly tip off in the film's title. I read you loud and clear, guys! Wink. Wink.
Jeepers Creepers
I love those two cartoon crows as much as anyone, but thanks to the civil rights movement it's just not as funny watching Jeepers and Creepers banter on about how they have to use a different bathroom than Woody Woodpecker and how they're going to catch him in a sack with a wolverine and throw it in the river. And it's really not fair, since these are classic characters and people should just learn to have a sense of humor about wolverines.
Meggido: The Omega Code II
Offending censors and parents' groups like no film since "Barney Does the Alpha-Betty", this gangsta-rap opus smokes it's way onto the screen with more bitch-slappin', doggy-stylin', barely-conscious thug mayhem than the last three Sally Fields movies combined. This is a must-see if you have a girlfriend or mother who runs your life but are too whack to stuff a Gat up her ass yourself.
The Princess Diaries
Look, if you're going to make a book into a movie, rule A is that it probably shouldn't be a phone book, the bible, or one of those little books full of annoying sayings that make middle-aged women feel better about smothering their children in their sleep. This turkey tot breaks subsection three of the above rule, trying to turn Princess Di's self-help bestseller into a two-hour commercial for Princess Di's self-help bestseller. Call it Chicken Soup for People Who Like Crap.
Training Day
If you thought this series ran out of gas after "Look Who's Talking", "Look Who's Talking Too", "Look Who's Talking To The Creepy Neighbor in the Trenchcoat" and "Look Who's Missing Now", you've obviously underestimated the unlimited comedic possibilities involved in kids talking who shouldn't talk. This time little Mikey's still not talking yet (some think he may be mildly retarded), but he's learning all about pull-up diapers, training toilets and his body's functions while his ass does the talking for him.
Now on Video:
Exit Wounds
At first I was excited because I thought they'd finally made the action movie about a covert watchmaker that I've been dreaming of, but then I realized that the proper grammar for that would be "Exit Winds". This turns out to be a snore-fest about a guy who polls people coming out of the voting booths and then lies about the results to CNN so that Willie Nelson can finally take his rightful spot as our nation's leader. Cool idea, but too many slow-motion shots of hillrods trying to figure out the butterfly ballot really bog this flick down.
Heartbreakers
Can Reese Witherspoon, Kirsten Dunst, Jennifer Love-Hewitt and Mena Suvari make their high school dream come true and run a successful trendy clothing store at the mall? Are you kidding me? Can the four of them together operate the doorknob? But thanks to their underage boob shots, loose morals and total naivety, the store is never empty, the rent is never due and the movie is never slow.
One Night at McDonalds
This attempt to one-up the low-budget cult hit Clerks by presenting "Slackers... in COLOR!" is undermined by annoyingly polite employees and a whiny second-shift manager who's constantly calling home to see if her dog likes it's new rawhide munchies. Nobody sleeps with a dead guy, but one customer is caught in the bathroom jerking off to a picture of Bela Lugosi.
Television:
Wow! The new fall season is here and the high-quality shows make all the delays from the threat of terrorism worth it! Too many great new shows to cover, but I'll start with some of my personal favorites:
Twenty-Four (Fox)
Larry Wilcox returns to T.V. as an aging blackjack dealer in the world's poshest casino. Each week hustlers and conmen (famous guest stars like Isaac Hayes and Newt Gingrich) try to beat the house, but Wilcox is just a little too bad for them! Dealer bust? I think not!
Smallville (WB)
"Mini-Me" from those wacky Austin Powers movies explodes with talent on this fantastic new variety show that demonstrates why everybody's talking about the WB! Sure, some of the sketches are slow to start, but the tiny sets with all the midget stars walking around in teensy costumes is just darling! And with musical guests like Little Feat and Tiny Turner, how can you say no?
Inside Schwartz (NBC)
Believe me, if you'd said a week ago I'd be raving about a program where former U.S. General Norman Schwarzkopf is subjected to a colonoscopy, I'd have called you a bald-faced liar and smacked you brazenly! But I'm hooked! Sure, I'm wondering how they can keep up the excitement, but every episode promises to take us further and further into the complicated bowel structures of the former commander—and I'm more excited than anybody!
Video Games:
Silent Hill 2 (Playstation 2)
When the original "Silent Hill" was a hit for the Playstation .1, you know that they would stick close to a winning formula for a kick-ass sequel. Once again you're the little bald guy, and you have to chase Benny Hill around dressed as a bobby. Sounds easy, right? But remember, if Benny starts his little boring song sketches in his foreign cockney accent that nobody can understand, the show's over!
ICO (Playstation 2)
Another amazing virtual reality simulator, you get the chance to be an overweight, lonely Internet-addicted bachelor without leaving your home. Only this time, you actually have friends! Chat to your friends on the user-friendly ICO program and try to convince them you're not a child molester or, worse, a cop pretending to be a child molester. Chillingly realistic.
Crazy Taxi 2 (Dreamcast)
It's strange that famed director Martin Scorsesesese chose to release the long-awaited continuing story of Travis Bickle directly to a video game console, but that's why he's a genius. Now, Bickle's a retired cabbie called back into the business to catch another crazed taxi driver (Ben Affleck's voice) before he can assassinate a pimp from Thailand with diplomatic immunity. I would tell you more but truthfully I couldn't get past the first stage where you get into the taxi.
That's all for now, buckaroos! Stay tuned in two weeks for more entertainment value than you can scrape off of your shoe with a garden trowel. Stay entertained, America!   |
