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October 15, 2001   
High on life, and it is a bad trip
homecommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

God Drops Ball on Giants

Almighty's boner ends Giants' playoff hopes.
October 15, 2001
San Francisco, CA
Noonan Pricely/AP
Barry Bonds monopolizing God's time lately.
T
he Supreme Being, variously known throughout the world as God, Jehovah, Allah and other aliases, admits to fumbling the San Francisco Giants' chances for post-season play in the recent Friday night game against the Los Angeles Dodgers. It was a mistake that was more costly than -- and almost as memorable as -- the time Jose Canseco had a fly ball bounce off his head and over the fence for a home run. Score that E-Almighty One.

"Yeah, I guess I kind of fucked up on that one," Mr. Being said with a sheepish, omniscient grin. "What happened was, I got so excited by seeing Barry Bonds break McGwire's home run record that I like totally forgot that they needed to win that night to stay in the pennant race. The plan had been for them to win all three games against the Dodgers, while...Read more...

CNN Charged with Leaking Vital Information

October 15, 2001
New York, NY
SANWAT SITIEU/AP
Osama bin Laden's headquarters, before the missile attack
A
merica’s Cable News Network, CNN, owned by the AOL-Time-Warner Corporation, has been charged with leaking vital information threatening national security after a broadcast of intricate military strike operations allegedly interfered with U.S. attacks on Afghanistan and the Al Qaeda terrorist networks.

On Oct. 10th, the Attorney General charges, a regular broadcast of news covering American retaliation on Afghanistan was interrupted by a news bulletin handed to news anchor Andrea Thompson.

“This just in: ‘Duck, bin Laden! Look out! Behind you! Get down!” Thompson stated frantically, jumping up and down and gesturing downwards.

The report, the Department of Defense states, was intercepted instantaneously by Osama bin Laden and his Al Qa...Read more...




October 15, 2001
Click for Biography

All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth, and a Robotic Dinosaur

the commune's Steve Kepple has an early Christmas request
Every year when Christmas rolls around, kids everywhere are treated to the months of anticipation and hours of fun that only a really awesome Christmas present can bring. Unless they get a robot dog that's retarded.

Last year for Christmas I got a retarded robot dog. It doesn't do anything cool. I was hoping that my robot dog would have heat vision or at least be able to curse in French, but all it does is eat puppy food and pee on the couch. I told my mom and dad that we should check the instructions, because they probably put the batteries in backwards. That happened one year when I got the Hot Wheels Detailing Shop for Christmas and it started smoking and caught the drapes on fire. That wasn't such a big deal though since Billy Doogan down the street got the same thing and...Read more...

º Last Column: Where the Fuck's Jesus?
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Quote of the Day
“A little bad taste is like a dash of paprika. A lot of bad taste, like a grinder full of cayenne pepper. And doing that annoying Cajun guy impression while doing anything—well, that's just beyond bad taste.”

-Dirty Parkbench
Fortune 500 Cookie
In the annals of history, there has always been one man who laughs uncontrollably whenever someone says "annals"—that's your legacy. Turn up the heat this week, 'cause that fucking turkey has been in the oven since Saturday. If you can't beat them, join them, and show them what real losers they are for accepting you into the group. Lucky bastards this week are Tom Monroe, Pete Gelbart, Judy Simon, and that son you're pretty sure is living in Winnipeg now.


Try again later.
John McCain's Most Ill-Conceived Jokes
1.Trick "Good for One Free House-Cleaning" coupon he gives to homeless that looks like $100 bill
2.Open letter to Crocodile Hunter widow Terri Irwin inviting her to spend the night with a "real man"
3."I fully and unequivocably support the rights of homosexuals. Nah, just kidding. That shit makes me throw up."
4.Wearing hole-filled NASA sweatshirt to press conference Saturday
5.Big "I have cancer" gag in 2000 election
Last IssueLast Issues Lead News Story

Strip Club Flag Wars

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BY roland mcshyster
10/15/2001
Hey there kids and kidophiles, welcome to Roland's neck of the woods for another stab at finding something fun to do this weekend. We're here once again to poke the bloated, gassy corpse of this week's new releases with a stick to see if it makes any funny noises.

And should you find yourself with any extra expendable income this weekend, why not make a contribution to The Roland McShyster House? We help culturally disadvantaged kids find stuff to do when they're bored, like clean my boat or weed a ravine. And what's better, it counts as community service in the eyes of the court, and that's hard to beat! So what the hell, spend a buck or two, or several exponential multiples of two dollars, to make a kid feel like he's earning his keep. It might even relieve some of that guil...Read more...