n a controversial move, Congress has barely passed a bill allowing the arrest and internment of thousands of American-born Afghans in "government pounds."

The Afghan, a popular breed of mid-size long-haired dog, was reportedly introduced to America several years ago by Chinese guys who brought them here originally to eat them, reported commune Research Editor Griswald Dreck. Also, horses were originally introduced to our country as indentured servants.

Dog Fancy magazine estimates the number of interred Afghans could reach 5,000 before the end of the week. Already several Afghans face additional charges of disobeying the new law by not reporting their whereabouts.

"We said, 'Sit. Stay.' And these dogs have disobeyed," said Attorney General John Ashcroft. "Bad dogs. Bad, bad dogs."

Across the United States, pet owners and sympathizers are outraged by what they call an unfounded, prejudicial law.

"These dogs are good Americans," said Nancy Martin, owner of three Afghans interred because of the new law. "Mumu, Gaia, and Kiwi were born right here in this country. They eat American food, they wear American-made sweaters and make bad on American rugs. Not Persian. Certainly not Afghanese. Bad dogs? I say, 'Bad lawmakers. Bad, bad lawmakers.'"

study conducted last week found that among the most popular names for baby boys right now are "John" and "Jason." Least popular: "Osama."

Scientists say not only has the name "Osama" the least popular name for American parents naming baby boys, it has fallen drastically this year from last year’s ranking.

"Last year’s study showed that Osama was number 435th. Not very popular at all as a name choice for American boys," said study author and researcher Dr. David Banner. "But this year… oh, jeez. Jesus pleasus. Lookit that. Waaay down there. I’m not even joking."

Other unpopular names on the list included, "Shitdick," "The Buttinator," "Regis," "Flaccid," "Ball-lick," and perennial least-favorite, "Hitler."

"This is no good," said expectant mother Sheila Caldwell. "I had ’Osama’ all picked out and now, well, I’m not using that. It’s a shame though. I had all these outfits with ’Osama’ embroidered in the left shoulder, like ’Laverne and Shirley.’""Not anymore," said Sheila’s husband Matt Caldwell. "What’s that other one you said? Hitler?"

Dear commune:

Damn. Damn, damn, damn. I just learned the word damn.

If there's one thing I hate, commune, it's being limited to hating just one thing. There are so many ugly things out there to hate. Why did it take me so long to learn the word "damn," you ask? Well, don't ask.

Sometimes when I hear the state of politics, I think it's Washington. Then I forgot there's another Washington on the west coast. And then the other Washington, the one I was thinking of, it's not even a state. What's with that? How come so many states steal each other's names? West Virginia? East Virginia? North Carolina, South Carolina? Two Dakotas? That's a dumb name. I knew a girl named Dakota, or it was a TV show or something. But why even one? There's so many great names out there to use. Why Dakota at all? Like Andy. "Hi, I'm from the great state of Andy," you could say. Now there's a state name.

Once again, I have digressed. I will change my pants and wash thoroughly and write to you again.

Sincerity,
Freedy Amos
So Cal

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Dear commune:

What is with all the gay jokes? I swear sometimes me and my dicksucking friends think you're homophobic or something.

Is it insecurity? Perhaps you're not sure enough of your own masculinity to respect other human beings. Does it make you feel big in front of your friends? I assure you when I'm squeezing my erection into another man's anal cavity we're not making fun of you heterosexuals, like, "Oh, how straight they are! Yeah, they love to make love to women. That's smart." Say that last part in a sarcastic voice to hear it the way I meant it.

There's nothing wrong with being homosexual. Maybe if you'd try it you'd like it yourself. But I'm not offering or anything. Don't show up on my doorstep at 3 a.m. wanting a little crash course in homosexuality. That's not what I'm saying at all. I think you totally misread the signals. Jesus, don't tell my friends, okay? Something like that could get me in a lot of trouble.

Greg Dandy
New York City, NY


Greg:

Whoa, I think you totally mis-read us, Greg. Obviously the commune respects everyone in the world and their lifestyle choices, especially homosexuals. Our reader statistics estimate over 90% of our readership is made up of homosexuals. As much as 99%, maybe, we don't even know. And according to our own columnist Omar Bricks, everyone in our main office is queer.

Even those of our staff and contributors who are not homosexual like a little on the side every now and then. There is even a tape of our own Lil Duncan engaging in a little hot action with a stockroom girl going around the office. If you would like a copy, just send $19.95 to our letters address with "Lesbo Tape" marked clearly on the envelope.

the commune

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Dear commune:

The freedom to bear arms is a sacred right in America. How can left-wing freaks want to take that away from us?

I've worked construction for ten years now. Sure, I've gotten sunburned before, I admit there's a danger. But sometimes it's just too hot to where a long-sleeve shirt or something like that. And chicks love it when you where shirts without sleeves at all so they can see all the tattoos. Some guys, like Danny K., he don't even wear a shirt in most of the summer. It ain't my cup of tea, but it's a free country. Or is it? Huh? You tell me.

If I can't work outside or inside with bear arms, this certainly isn't the land of the free like I thought it was supposed to be.

Merle Jackson
Elbow, MO


Merle:

We're glad you could express your opinion to us. In fact, after considering your letter, we're glad you can read the commune at all, or are gainfully employed. Most of all we're glad you're there and we're here.

the commune

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Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for the content or context of any of it's reader letters. Secondly, the commune IS NOT hosting a contest for a free low-flow toilet that involves sending in letters about why you need a new toilet the most. Those letters should be directed to the-commode.com. Our staff thanks you profusely.

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