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April 25, 2005   
Damn the whorepedoes
homecommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Moussaoui Not Quite Ready to Die IslamApril 25, 2005
Alexandria, Virginia
Rusty Klein
Resident commune artist prodigy Rusty Klein, age 9, renders the courtroom scene for us in largely accurate detail, except the suspect in custody, of course, didn't have a machine. We're not sure who the kid with the "butthole" T-shirt is, probably a friend of Rusty's who may or may not have been present at the hearing.
L
ovable loser and one-time fanatical terrorist hopeful Zacarias Moussaoui vowed to fight the death penalty and instant martyrdom for Islam in a Virginia courtroom Friday, as he entered a guilty plea on multiple terror charges.

Moussaoui's al Qaeda comrades were responsible for the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, and the attempted attack on the White House. The attacks resulted in the deaths of more than 3,000 people and spurred the War on Terror, as well as fueled the War in Iraq. In Friday's preliminary hearing, however, Moussaoui tried to distance himself from the national tragedies, and claimed he was part of another attempt to fly a plane into the White House that had nothing to do with the 9/11 attacks.

"I came to America to be part ...Read more...

Dyslexic Man Talks to GodApril 25, 2005
Cold Row, Indiana
Junior Bacon
Mark Dingus-Smith, pictured here holding his dog, whose name we didn't catch
D
yslexia rereffus Mark Dingus-Smith held the world in awe this week after news broke that the central Indiana resident, no shit, talks to God on a regular basis. Thankful that the nation's latest God-talker is neither a Republican politician nor a New Age fruit, pious Americans have swarmed from miles around to gawk at the modest man's Indiana home, many hoping to eavesdrop on these heavenly conversations and catch a hint of what God really thinks about gays, contraception, and the red-hot topic of gay contraception.

Many were intrigued to find this simple man on a first name basis with the universal creator, with trivia buffs particularly interested in the discovery that, according to Mark, God's first name is Rufus.

"Who's a good boy? Rufus is a good boy! Rufus ...Read more...
Close Story

Karl Rove implicated in CIA link; Tom Cruise cleared
Tom Cruise? Who gives a fuck already?
Cruise portfolios remain strong, in spite of shaky economy
Ring tones changed again on personal Cruise cell phone



August 8, 2005
Click for Biography

That's Nostaligia

I think I finally found my niche in the world. I was watching those VH-1 shows about the '80s and the '70s and all these people talking about cool things. It's the kind of show you watch and you say, "I remember that!" But not me. I had to sell my memories in 1990 or they were going to repossess my apartment, with me in it. The guys who bought them left me the memories of my mom and dad and family, they said those had no resale value, but I can't really remember much of anything else. Which is a shame, because everyone keeps telling me the networks never gave Tales of the Gold Monkey a chance, and that sounds like the kind of show I'd like.

But my niche. Like I said, I found it. I'm going to be the first guy to have '90s nostalgia. I'm even going to copyright it so everyone el...Read more...

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Quote of the Day
“The good die first. Then, the not-so good. Then the ugly. Strike that, the ugly should die first. Can I start again? If there are any good left, don't kill them yet, we've still got some uglies over here.”

-Billiam Swordswart
Fortune 500 Cookie
The next time you give a dog as a gift, why don't you try poking some holes in the cellophane, ay handyman? Here's something to chew on: gum. Remember: you can't hurry love, but you can get your ass in motion when you're blocking the express lane, chunky. This week's lucky ducks: Donald, Daffy, Dontrelle, Fukka.


Try again later.
Top-Selling Halloween Masks
1.John Kerry w/ matching beret
2.George W. Bush w/ matching quizzical look
3.Zorro's cheaper cousin Steve-o
4.Me, only better
5.Eddie Murphy circa 1986
6.Gollum/Rupert Murdoch 2-year reusable mask
7.Irresistible Sexy Man #34
8.Scary Scream guy stealing "The Scream"
9.'57 Studebaker
10.That guy over there
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

New Pope Benedict Takes Daring "Anti-Nazi" Position

View Past Columns
BY violet tiara
7/4/2005
Menu
Tonsils so docile
you can eat them like dumplings
dumping your tummy
on a rumpled green tongue.

Stews you can use
to lose the blues
if you choose
or just deliver the news
that Stu is here, too.

Feet of a stork
that look like a cooked fork
and even Mork from Ork
would prefer them to pork.

Brains from Spain,
jalapenoed or plain
but first let me explain
that the drippings may stain.

Hedgehogs!
Sweet hedgehogs!
Are like candy for the gut
believe me you've never had them in custard but
please be careful not to glut.

Have you ever eaten
mice beaten
into a frothy puree
and topped with crème brulee
by...Read more...