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January 15, 2007   
It's like God... with almonds
homecommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

2006: We Hardly Knew YeJanuary 15, 2007
Flatbush, NJ
Various
2006, as it would have appeared to a fly on acid.
I
’m serious, what the hell happened last year? Did we mix up our multivitamins and roofies again? Because if anything at all of note happened in 2006, we missed it here at the commune. Best to check the tape.

Ah, right. Who could forget the midterm elections, when even Republican candidates were voting to toss their own corrupt asses out of office? Never before has the term “midterm” meant anything near this good, usually it’s just a sign that the time has come to stop having sex with that pregnant girl at the office.

The Iraq War trundled on, if you can call it a war when we stand by and watch while a country tears itself to shreds like that one Superman where he tried to rip his Clark Kent suit off, but forgot he had already done so and ended up pulling o...Read more...

Bush Reverses Cloning Stance After Viewing Six Feet Under FinaleApril 10, 2006
Washington, D.C.
Junior Bacon
The president, shown here shaken, but not stirred, by his recent brush with awareness
A
fter years of staunch, stiff-jawed and clenched-buttocksed opposition to human cloning research, President Bush issued a startling reversal to his January "Pig Men" State of the Union address this week, and now is apparently in favor of the controversial scientific pursuit.

A tearful Bush, admittedly "a little behind" on his TV viewing due to "the usual work b.s.," finally got around to viewing the fifth and final season of HBO's acclaimed drama Six Feet Under on DVD this week, an event that seems to have had a profound effect on the president.

"Just being reminded that everyone you know will die one day, that really makes you think," explained the president, not previously known as a fan of thought.

"Keith!" Bush suddenly shouted, mid-sob. "Why'd he...Read more...


'Paris Hilton Autopsy' Sculpture Signed to Three-Picture Deal

Poison Probe Reveals 90% of Packaged Foods Actually Dog Food

Merck: "Crazy-Ass Brazil Giving AIDS Drugs to People With No Money"

Climatologists Cross Legs Uncomfortably at Mention of Bangkok Conference



April 16, 2007
Click for Biography

I Could Never Audit Your Heart

What lurks inside the human heart? Even the most fickle of love muscles has moments where it is full of nothing but joy, and I would only seek these moments for us.

I do not believe the heart can be judged when it is not in love. For a heart in love is at its most pure, like a Hershey chocolate bar with absolutely no nuts, no nougat, nothing but the chocolate you want. A heart in love is a heart as it really is. These moments when we're not in love are moments where we are not even truly existing. It is like love is the band we came to see, the big name on the marquee, and every other moment is us sitting in our seats in the dark, or watching Big Country and calling them assholes while we really seek U2. U2 on stage is akin to the love in our hearts, and that is why we are all ...Read more...

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Quote of the Day
“Don't run if you can walk. Don't walk if you can stand. Don't stand if you can sit. Don't sit if you can lie down. Don't like down if you can sleep. Don't sleep if you can be put into a medically induced coma. Don't be put into a medically induced coma if you can kick back in an iron lung and have machines shit for you. Don't do any of that if golf is on TV.”

-Lazy Larry Lisbaine
Fortune 500 Cookie
You're gonna die this week. Sorry we couldn't put a more clever spin on that. In the meantime, try pouring sugar on your cereal instead of milk. Fuck it, what's anybody gonna do about it now? If it's any consolation, almost everyone in the world doesn't know you're alive anyway. This week's lucky coffin models: Dirt Rocket III, Econo-Sarcophagus Jr, The Spruce Moose, Office Max Moving Box Model 223117, The Bobsled to Hell, Spring-Loaded Jokester's Delight, Seventh Generation Biodegradable Grandma Sack, foot locker in your ex-boyfriend's closet.

Try again later.
Top 5 Reasons Facebook is Losing Users
1.My fucking parents are on Facebook
2.Cockbook siphoning away gay users
3.Fickle masses already moving on to next David Fincher movie craze, Pogs
4.Tiny fraction of Zuckerberg karma coming back on the installment plan
5.Facebook is retarded
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Military Man Leads Daring Escape of 200+ Hostages

View Past Columns
BY gridwell gray
3/26/2007
Shy Statesmen
It was late 2005 when I first met Pacman. He had been brought over for the seemingly innocuous purpose of inventory control in the headquarters of the U.S. Armory, securing paper. Lockheed brand paper. These kinds of shenanigans were hardly out of the ordinary, and caused so many thousands of death even the irony of calling them "shenanigans" tasted bitter in my mouth. So did the cheap Afghani chocolate I had been eating for the last three and a half years.

"You must be an old dog indeed," said Pacman, shaking my hand as we first met. Just like that I had a nickname—Rummy. Apparently he had an old dog named Rummy, and calling me old dog that one time made him think of that. Though he started calling me Chim-Chim by the end of our friendship. Not sure what that was about.
Read more...