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Iraq Withdrawal Bill Threatened With White House VitoApril 2, 2007 |
Washington, D.C. Junior Bacon President Bush visits Congress for last-minute negotiations before the Iraq withdrawal bill Thursday; burly pal "White House Vito" Pantusi brings out his "negotiators" for the visit. otes along party lines heralded the passing of Congress' new military budget, which would allow $122 billion in funding with the stipulation that all troops be removed from Iraq by the deadline of March 31, 2008. It was a critical blow to the G.O.P. and the president, who did not concede defeat but instead promised the bill, if it passes the House, would have to face the merciless wall of "White House Vito."
Presidential advisor and former CEO of the Dallas Quik-Dry Cement Company Vito Pantusi has been working closely with Bush on a compromise that will make all involved parties happy, a White House inside source says, particularly the President Bush party.
"Mr. Pantusi plans on visiting House and Senate Democrats personally with some associates to convince them the...
otes along party lines heralded the passing of Congress' new military budget, which would allow $122 billion in funding with the stipulation that all troops be removed from Iraq by the deadline of March 31, 2008. It was a critical blow to the G.O.P. and the president, who did not concede defeat but instead promised the bill, if it passes the House, would have to face the merciless wall of "White House Vito." Presidential advisor and former CEO of the Dallas Quik-Dry Cement Company Vito Pantusi has been working closely with Bush on a compromise that will make all involved parties happy, a White House inside source says, particularly the President Bush party. "Mr. Pantusi plans on visiting House and Senate Democrats personally with some associates to convince them they've voted improperly," said our source. "His associates are sporting enthusiasts, as anyone can tell by their baseball bats, and Mr. Pantusi is sure he can teach certain Congressmen all about fair play." Acquitted on three different charges of influencing a congressional vote with a large tank of piranha fish, "White House Vito" has been an associate of the president since their days together in the Texas business community, and the president has brought in Pantusi as an advisor in hard negotiations in the past. In 2005, with an end-of-year deadline fast approaching, Pantusi assisted in advising the president in negotiating the Andean Free Trade agreement. "The White House would like to consider this matter resolved-like," Pantusi said in a follow-up news conference, cracking his knuckles audibly for the press in one of his rare public appearances. Other involved parties declined comment, and quickly shrunk from reporters who approached them too fast with microphones. Speculation has already begun as to what role Mr. Pantusi and his special "commission o' negotiatin' muscle" might play in opposition to the deadline bill. Representatives of the negotiating commission, including White House Vito standing ominously in the background, fielded a few quick questions from reporters on Friday. "In, uh, response to the question, ah, from the ravishing lady from The Washington Post with the killer rack," replied Pantusi associate Johnny Lips, "the president is, uh, looking for an amicable solution to the, er, Iraq budgetary disagreement. The president would, uh, prefer to leave the decisions on, um, monetary needs and appropriate troop presence to the, er, military personnel in charge of that there decision." Pantuis himself only responded to one question, when a reporter from CNN asked if the president had any doubts about pursuing a war the public increasingly opposes. To which White House Vito answered by throwing his cigar at the trembling reporter and shouting over the microphone, "You want me to come down there and show you some fucking opposition? You like that, tough guy? I should smack your fucking glasses off, numbnuts." If the White House chooses to pass the bill, the new budget requires Bush to start bringing troops home from Iraq and Afghanistan within 120 days. If negotiations go roughly with Vito Pantusi, 120 days is also the average length of hospital stay expected for congressmen who have enjoyed a difficult compromise with Bush's advisor. The Democratic majority in the Senate, however, warned that they would not be scared by White House intimidation. "It's the president's right to respond with Vito to any legislation he disagrees with," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, "but Congress is not without its own powers. If the president tries to force through his own Iraq budget through the Senate after rejecting ours, we're always willing to respond with Philly Buster." The Senator gestured to a husky Samoan page standing behind the speaking Democrats, scratching his goatee and nodding his head ominously. the commune news is glad we're not in politics, but we still have to face the scrutiny of "Line Item Vito," the guy at the supermarket who counts up our goods and tells us to get the fuck out of the express lane. Correspondent Ramrod Hurley is no stranger to cement shoes, although he finds concrete flip-flops more enjoyable for summer.
| March 26, 2007 |
London, England Junior Bacon The British warship HMS Cornwall, shown here surrendering to an Iranian on a bicycle. n a move that surprised few familiar with the terrible wrath of the legendary Iranian Navy, British Prime Minister Tony Blair announced today that his country would be surrendering to Iran rather than facing almost certain destruction.
âA proud era in the history of Great Britain comes to an end today,â announced Blair, Prime Minister since 1997 and secret Transformers collector even longer. âWe had a good run of it, Iâd say,â a proudly defiant Blair mused. âBut you donât muck about when youâre dealing with the Iranian Navy. I have my kids to consider.â
âThereâs no use crying over spilt milk,â agreed British Secretary of State for Defence Desmond Henry Browne (BSSDDHB). âItâs been fun, I must admit, being the top dog on the internationa...
n a move that surprised few familiar with the terrible wrath of the legendary Iranian Navy, British Prime Minister Tony Blair announced today that his country would be surrendering to Iran rather than facing almost certain destruction.
âA proud era in the history of Great Britain comes to an end today,â announced Blair, Prime Minister since 1997 and secret Transformers collector even longer. âWe had a good run of it, Iâd say,â a proudly defiant Blair mused. âBut you donât muck about when youâre dealing with the Iranian Navy. I have my kids to consider.â
âThereâs no use crying over spilt milk,â agreed British Secretary of State for Defence Desmond Henry Browne (BSSDDHB). âItâs been fun, I must admit, being the top dog on the international scene. Or perhaps second-to-top dog, after America⊠or maybe third after Germany. I donât have recent figures in front of me. But the point is, every dog has his day, and we all knew our day had to come to an end some day. At the hands of the Iranian Navy? How else?â
Iranâs Navy, a fearsome juggernaut of nautical supremacy, has terrorized the seas since the 1200s, when Iran began conquering coastal lands at will and making pirates eat their own hats. With coastal access to the crucial Arabian and Caspian Seas, the land mass of Iran was ideally located for maritime dominance. Even geographical limitations such as a lack of access to the Pacific Ocean were laughed at by the Iranian Navy, infamous world-wide for carrying their huge warships by hand overland when doing so would be more impressive than simply sailing around the Cape of Good Hope or even around small islands.
Massive blockades of Iranian warships crippled the world economy numerous times in the 1500s, with the entire Spanish Armada going to their deaths in a futile attempt to import much-needed Spanish rice in defiance of Iranâs wishes. The Iranian people, though poorer than a record executive on land, have nevertheless lorded over the seas for generations, with an iron fist and a wooden bottom. Because an iron bottom would sink like nobodyâs business.
This latest development came to a head when 15 British sailors were captured by the Iranian Navy while conducting a routine search of a cargo ship carrying fuses and detonators in Iraqi territorial waters.
âWe had just finished inspecting and signing off on the Iraqi freighter,â explained naval officer Roger Phillip, communicating through a photograph released by the Iranian Navy via holes ripped in his sweater forming the message in Morse code. âWhen suddenly the very sun was blotted out by an armada of fearsome warships, and we knew our own doom had engulfed us.â
Though the unconditional surrender of a world power over a small naval skirmish over 3,000 miles away is unusual, few consider Britainâs move premature, given the unbelievable hurt the Iranian Navy could rain down on the U.K. should they get their dander up.
A few foolhardy souls have suggested a death-before-dishonor approach, unwilling to bow down to their Iranian masters so quickly.
âI think we could take âem,â grumbled brave sausage peeler Roscoe Euclid of Saxby, loading supplies into an inflatable dingy moments before going to his certain death.
Final plans have not been announced as to what Britainâs new Iranian overlords plan to do with the country, though early indications point to a bonanza of beheadings. the commune news wishes not to offend the magnificent Iranian Navy with our article, and hereby place full responsibility for its publication on the shoulders of foreign reporter Ivan Nacutchacokov. Ivan Nacutchacokov is currently hiding in the communeâs umbrella closet, nervously clutching a wooden tennis racquet.
| Bob Barker Ceases to Exist After Retiring From Television Memorial Day Celebrated With More Memorials in Iraq Impotent Landslide in China Kills Only Micro-Fraction of Glorious Population American Idol Finale Results: America Loses |
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May 14, 2007 Return to the Bermuda Shorts TriangleOnce again, sir, I am confounded by a mystery by which I've already been confounded. For I have returned to the place of my last great defeat—Brunsley, Idaho, well known to all its inhabitants and supernatural buffs as the Bermuda Shorts Triangle.
Before you foul-mouthed skeptics can say, "Fuck this bullshit" and return to searching for more Internet info about that movie with the Dakota Fanning rape scene, I urge you to think about this: What would you do if there were a 12-block radius in a moderate-sized town where your finest undergarments mysteriously disappeared? That's right, such a place really exists, and it's in Brunsley, Idaho. Seldom can a man, or especially an attractive woman, walk from the Bed, Bath and Beyond to the Citgo gas station with their unde...
º Last Column: Dreams Like Butterflies º more columns
Once again, sir, I am confounded by a mystery by which I've already been confounded. For I have returned to the place of my last great defeat—Brunsley, Idaho, well known to all its inhabitants and supernatural buffs as the Bermuda Shorts Triangle. Before you foul-mouthed skeptics can say, "Fuck this bullshit" and return to searching for more Internet info about that movie with the Dakota Fanning rape scene, I urge you to think about this: What would you do if there were a 12-block radius in a moderate-sized town where your finest undergarments mysteriously disappeared? That's right, such a place really exists, and it's in Brunsley, Idaho. Seldom can a man, or especially an attractive woman, walk from the Bed, Bath and Beyond to the Citgo gas station with their underpants untouched. Even the most conservative among you will find you go from securely hammocked to freeballing in record time, with no answer as to where your Fruit of the Looms have gone. I first stumbled across this mystery in 1998, just before I founded the commune. In fact, all of my first columns were about this puzzler, though I decided to withhold my claims before I had any solid proof because I wanted to write a kick-ass bestseller about the phenomenon, and didn't want any competition drawn to my big moneyhole by an ill-timed commune column. If only I had known how few people read the commune, despites its being available for free on the Internet, I would have thrown caution to the wind, as well as my columns, and published them as a warning to all underwear-lovers who might wander into the area. I discovered it quite by accident, when I attended Brunsley's annual Halloween Dunk-the-Witch contest. I'll save all the anticipation by saying it turned out to be a woman in a costume; but while my search for proof of horrible Wiccans ended up a dead-end, when I went to buy a drink at a local cafĂ© they call Starbucks here, I found my BVD's didn't make it across the street with me. I went searching for pocket change for my $3.50 cup of coffee and found the fabric between my digits and my goodies a lot thinner than expected—only pocket stood between my finger and my boys. I knew I hadn't taken them off, so of course, I looked to the simplest answer—an underpants pickpocket. But the locals told me of the Bermuda Shorts Triangle, a 12-block perfect circle in which all manner of undergarments mysteriously disappear. Or as my colleague Dennis at the Wendy's in that area summarized, "Yeah, people end up losing their skivvies all the time around here." Of course, the name is something of a misnomer, since it's not a triangle-shaped area, and if you're wearing Bermuda Shorts they actually make it through the area without being stolen—underwear only appear fair game. But you have to admit, it's damn catchier than "The Circle of Panty Theft." The first time I passed that way, I was close to launching the commune, and had to return to attend to that business after losing over $400 in underwear in my attempt to solve the riddle. But now the commune is successful, by my own narrow definitions, and I can at last return to figuring out where these shorts are going, maybe even why. Thanks to my painstaking statistics as of last time, I can tell you panties are taken more frequently than male briefs, and boxers are taken least frequently while thongs seem to disappear more than anything else. Expensive underwear and cheap underwear tend to be taken indiscriminately. I only really tested this underthing-theft on myself, but my survey of victims revealed women were targeted more frequently than men, even men wearing thongs, but it seemed to happen across gender and age lines. You've got to admit, outside of discovering where these undershorts are disappearing to, why they are being taken, and how to prevent it, I've practically got this case fully answered. Like many people that work here, I'm starting to wish I had never founded the commune. Sure, disseminating the truth to the masses is an important job, maybe the most important of them all next to the man who maintains erections on pornographic movie sets. But still, it keeps me up at nights knowing the great mysteries—like who's stealing the underwear in Brunsley, Idaho by the Bennigan's—are going unsolved because I chose this different path. º Last Column: Dreams Like Butterfliesº more columns |
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Quote of the Day“May those who love us, love us, and those who don't love us, may God turn their hearts, and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may he fuck them up so I'll know not to trust cripples.”
-Old Irish Proverb, Jr.Fortune 500 CookieThat weird smell in the office: It's you, dude. Stay out of the sun this week at your doctor's request; he's tired of seeing you shirtless. This week's lucky prom dates: Mom's hot friend "Aunt" Chyniqua, Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig, a randomly selected pro wrestler, entire cast of Revenge of the Nerds, or six of the seven dwarves: Sneezy's got cancer.
Try again later.Top Enduring 2004 Election Scandals1. | Bush didn't really win; they forgot to count the comatose vote | 2. | Identical twins voted twice, ignoring "1 Face, 1 Vote" principle | 3. | Every 13th vote discarded as "unlucky" | 4. | Too many precincts used antiquated paper ballots | 5. | Too many precincts used newfangled electric voting machines | 6. | 10,000 Florida voters cast ballots for dead man: John Kerry | 7. | Too many military absentee ballots were marked for Bush: Now that's just stupid | 8. | No paper trail for southern state "applause-o-meter" polling technique | 9. | Oh sweet Jesus, Bush really won! | 10. | Eskimos kept away from polls by sheer geography | |
| Democrats Call For Ousting of GonzalesBY roland mcshyster 4/16/2007 Hola shit, gringos. Itâs south- of-the- border Roland McShyster coming to you from our continental neighbors, Mexico. Cancun is all ablaze with its usual brilliance as young people flock by the hundreds to the international Wordloaf festival. That means sharp spelling, wit, and cerveza by the cold cases. Roland McShyster is all over ivy tower intellectual fare like that. But it doesnât mean I can neglect my movie-reviewing duties, and I donât have to since directors all send Roland M. their movies on DVD screeners, just hoping for that review blurb that will land the asses in the seats. Watch as I donât fail to disappoint.
Disturbia
Oh, yeah, letâs kick it cool style with another gripping and gritty story of a real-life rapper who made his way to...
Hola shit, gringos. Itâs south- of-the- border Roland McShyster coming to you from our continental neighbors, Mexico. Cancun is all ablaze with its usual brilliance as young people flock by the hundreds to the international Wordloaf festival. That means sharp spelling, wit, and cerveza by the cold cases. Roland McShyster is all over ivy tower intellectual fare like that. But it doesnât mean I can neglect my movie-reviewing duties, and I donât have to since directors all send Roland M. their movies on DVD screeners, just hoping for that review blurb that will land the asses in the seats. Watch as I donât fail to disappoint.
Disturbia
Oh, yeah, letâs kick it cool style with another gripping and gritty story of a real-life rapper who made his way to fame from the streets. Distrubia plays himself, and also wrote the screenplay, and also did the entire soundtrack, and I think he actually slept with all the actresses himself, heâs just that kind of cross-media entertainer. The direction isnât Jim Sheridanâs Get Rick Or Die Tryinâ, but with Disturbiaâs ultra-large bloodshot eyes and creepy Fu Manchu, few rappers could match his unsettling physical appearance with the best direction. Dolly Parton rounds out the cast, but not in this film.
The Hoax
When did Hollywood get so brazen? They used to at least put out an actual film, even a crappy one, to get your money. Now in this case they just secured the money to make a movie and split it between the producers and promised not to tell anyone else. Whoever else is in on the joke, theyâre not quick to admit it. This film, based on a lie some writer told his mother about a script he wasnât working on, is the first film shot entirely on no kind of film stock. It doesnât exist, it doesnât have a cast, nor does it have a director, and the plot is pretty threadbare, too. Most people who go to see it will probably be a little surprised when they sit in a theater for 2 hours waiting for a movie that never starts, but maybe theyâll be good sports about it. I was, even though I only received a DVD screener with pure static on it, not quite the same as spending $45 or however much a movie costs non-reviewer people. Truth-in-advertising laws forced them to title it thusly, but donât expect that big fucking clue to keep people out of the theater. They mostly go just for a dark place to feel up their girlfriends or boyfriends, and this movie adequately fills the bill.
Perfect Stranger
I have to admit I was real excited for Bronson Pinchotâs big-screen return, and seeing the much-beloved character Balki one more. It turned out to be a hideous letdown. Pinchot hasnât aged well, and I think they even had a stunt double doing the world-famous "Dance of Joy" in those scenes. I was heartbroken, after years of waiting to see the story of a sheep-loving immigrant who is stunned by American culture, a project so ripe for the bigscreen. Who would have believed last yearâs documentary Borta would have so excellently told the same story? It certainly didnât help that Cousin Larry held out for serious payola. Too many ingredients were missing, and too long had passed since Balkiâs last visit. The magic has gone.
Are We Done, Yeti?
Now hereâs a movie the guys can enjoy. Ice Cube, in quite convincing make-up, plays a Yeti with a taste for human blood. He befriends Ice T only so he can take him up to a secluded wooded area and hunt him for sport, but T is too smart for that, yo. We learn of Ice Cubeâs real motivations in the opening sequences, when he hunts down rapper/actor Ice Box and carves him into a frozen treat. But things are different for Ice T, who hooks up with the only hunted game to ever escape the Yeti, Ice Pick. Together the two, with a little help from hitchhiker Ice Storm, turn the tables and make the Yeti their bitch. Oh, it is on!
Speaking of getting it on, I think theyâre doing Scrabble shots down in the lounge, so Iâm checking out of my bungalow for the rich intellectual nightlife of Cancun. Keep it reel, folksâno, that wasnât a misspelling, it was a play on the terms real and reel. |