mbittered rivals on both sides of the partisan line clashed again last week after controversy arose over Attorney General Alberto Gonzales' firing of 8 U.S. Attorneys in 2006. Democrats used accusations of partisanship allegedly motivating the firings as further example that Alberto Gonzales flouts the law carrying out the agenda of the White House, while a typically befuddled President Bush defended Gonzales as "the fastest mouse in all Me-hee-co."

Administration insiders apologize for the president's gaff by citing his travels in Mexico to meet country President Felipe Calderon, and watching an excessive amount of Warner Brothers cartoons to escape negative media coverage. While Bush's actual statements excused Gonzales' questionable legal activities as the only way he could bring the cheese to the native population of his starving country, even if it meant defying the mean gringo pussy cat, White House spokesperson Tony Snow had a different take on the president's surreal blubberings.

"The president has always had high respect for Attorney General Gonzales, and has always believed him the best man for the job," said Snow, ignoring sarcastic reporter cries of "Arriba! Arriba! �ndale!" "Still, we recognize the possibility of impropriety in the office of the Attorney General and expect Attorney General Gonzales to account for the actions of his staff. In short, Gonzales' got some 'splainin' to do!"

Snow's alleged joke was met with some boos and not a single trace of laughter.

Also not laughing are representatives of the Democratic leadership in Congress, many of whom are calling for Gonzales' firing as the controversy builds. The negative press for the AG follows last week's admission by the FBI that the bureau underreported the amount of domestic spying it was performing under the Patriot Act. The fire under the AG's ass was stoked even hotter when it was revealed Gonzales and the Attorney General's office fired 8 U.S. Attorneys in 2006 for alleged refusals to prosecute cases of voter fraud. The cases of voter fraud cited were incidents in which ex-convicts and other pro-Democratic throngs were allowed to cast votes and not purged from voter rolls, which is something Republicans really like to do to all non-white voters.

Gonzales may end up taking the fall for the firings as heat continues to build around his office and, more importantly, evidence emerges tying the White House to the alleged politically motivated shit-cannings. Communications between former White House attorney Harriet Miers and Gonzales' chief of staff Kyle Sampson came to light this week showing that Miers (and presumably the administration) were contemplating firing all 93 U.S. Attorneys and replacing them, while Gonzales opposed the measure and conceivably thought targeting specific pains-in-the-ass to the White House would be sufficient. To no one's surprise, Sampson resigned Tuesday to go live in a private scapegoat community somewhere.

In the wake of all these recent controversies, Democrats have called for the firing of Gonzales, but the real surprise is the Democrats think there's maybe one conservative kid in the mailroom of the White House they think shouldn't be fired; they found unlikely support Wednesday from New Hampshire Republican Sen. John Sununu, son of former White House Chief of Staff under George Bush Sr. John "Leaving on a Federally-Funded Jet Plane" Sununu. Claiming Gonzales should be replaced by a more aggressive leader, possibly someone part werewolf.

Though we didn't bother asking him, we assume if Alberto Gonzales did resign to save the administration some embarrassment, President Bush would not be adverse to nominating his cousin Slowpoke Rodriguez as a replacement.

inding all requests for funding troops in Iraq and Afghanistan impeded by the new Democratic Congress, President Bush resorted to the only weapon at his disposal Friday: Requesting even more troops, more specifically, 4,000 new soldiers with the explicit purpose of conquering Congress.

Astounded Democratic leadership responded quickly, telling the press Saturday, "Of course, any action that brings greater safety to our nation will be considered. But for crying out loud, of course we're not going to approve that. I mean, get a clue."

Critics of the White House were quick to condemn what they called a "call for a military coup" from the president as "unconstitutional."

The White House responded with a brief memo stating: "We'll let the militarily-supported Congress establish what's constitutional and what's not."

Some have been quick to characterize the measure as an attempt, however ill-conceived, by the White House to demonstrate the Democratic Congress is unwilling to work with them. Okay, it was just one guy who said that—political and pizza pundit Jefferson Shavers III.

"It's really a no-lose situation for the president," said Shavers, revealing his dazzling smile in the quaint atmosphere of his wood-paneled office in mom's garage. "If the Democrats turn down even more requests for troops, even those which would be serving on domestic soil, the president can point to it as further proof Congress just won't cooperate. And if he gives them the troops, they're all going to die. He absolutely can't lose, unless a ridiculously low approval rating demonstrated Americans really aren't supporting the White House military demands anymore."

While most in Congress, where the danger lies, continued to remain silent on the request after its announcement, the administration took the offensive by attempting to paint a picture of an anti-troops sentiment in the Democratic party.

"I come from a different world than my Democratic colleagues, I suppose," said Vice-President Dick Cheney, the gaping orifice of the White House whenever it has to tell America something truly odious. "Where I come from, we support the troops, we don't try to make political ammunition out of the war they're fighting. We supported them when they're in Vietnam. We should support them when they're fighting in Afghanistan, in Iraq, or standing behind you with a rifle and demanding you vote 'yea' on a flag-burning amendment. That's just the way I was raised."

The administration called for an immediate vote on its inappropriately named "Kill Congress" legislation, citing an expected Taliban offensive in the spring that the U.S. would be better prepared for when it could "bypass congressional authority and get as many troops as it needs" to stabilize the region. The bill goes to the House on Monday for a vote, where its chore of passing the house should be comparably to last year's "Snowball in Hell" amendment sponsored by insane Senator Zell Miller (D, GA).

The White House refused comment to the commune, as per usual. Republican governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger was contacted just for an amusing quote in his thick accent, but he turned out to be even more unintelligible over the phone than in person, so we scrapped that plan.

A lot of people look at me and they're quite impressed to see a man my age, part of the '80s generation, who's so hip and into what's "now." But I have to admit, there's some things that bring out the old fart in me, and until recently, completely shaved pussy was one of 'em. It just gave me the chills, and while it never stopped me from fucking away, it always left me a little disappointed—but not any more. I've had a change of heart about shaved vaginas.

Not a week went by, in the past, where I didn't go so art gallery opening or book signing and a friend or random guy in line didn't try to convince me hairless twat is the way to go—I don't know what brings it out in these people. As soon as you make a gagging noise at a bare beaver in a nude photo displayed high on the museum wall, some joker thinks it's his personal mission to sway you from your preference for fuzzy trim. "It's more sanitary," they'd say. "It's nicer to the touch." Well, if that's true, we should all shave our heads, too. I mean, I do, but you see my meaning. Maybe I'm stuck in the past, but if you're not spitting hairs out onto your lover's thigh constantly, to me, it's just not real fucking.

I've always thought it gave the impression I was fucking pre-teens or something. Disgusting. I mean, I make it a point not to ask a lady's age because it's a rude question, but if she says she wants to fuck like a horny toad when I ask, I at least look for some sign I might be going to prison. Now that women are going bald on purpose down there, where's the line? It's like I've got to card my one-night stands, and that's no fun. But as I've said, I've kind of cleared that whole "bare pussy makes me want to vomit" phase.

You can ask if I just started to roll with the times or had a bad experience or something, but I'm not exactly sure what swayed me on this complex argument. Maybe it's all the upskirt shots of famous celebrities that we're seeing lately. It might be the girls I've been bagging like a teen-aged Piggly Wiggly employee, who knows. Or it's probably just that if you see shaved vagina after shaved vagina on your gym spy cam, eventually you just become familiar with it. All those things may be a factor. But seeing a girl of unknown age discreetly soap up her bald pussy when she thinks no one is watching no longer bothers me like it used to. You could even say I like it, although I'm ultimately hoping this whole thing is still a fad. Yes, in sixteen years' time, when the children of today are the hot young fuck sluts of tomorrow, I hope that we as a nation are swimming in bush again. A man can dream, can't he?

I guess it's true what parole officers say—you can take the man out of prison, but you can't quite take the prison out of the man. Metaphorically speaking, of course. I'm always going to be the boy who group up beating meat to thick jungles of pubic hair on skinny, busty nude models in issues of Playboy, Penthouse, or even Oui. Just because those publications have changed or ceased to exist, and the arena is now filled with drunken college girls flashing their goodies for T-shirts, doesn't mean that I've grown along with that trend. I'm stuck in the past, maybe, wrapped in tendril after tendril of short curly hairs. But I like it that way. It doesn't mean I'm going to give up fucking girls whose names I don't remember, but it doesn't mean I'm not going to fondly remember those simple days, before full-body waxes.

º Last Column: I Could Never Audit Your Heart
º more columns