iMac Fired for Controversial Comments

n a victory of mankind over machine, and a blow against white computers co-opting the language of African-Americans, hot-shot radio talk show host iMac was fired Thursday following the uproar caused when it resorted to the use of a derogatory racist word to describe members of the Rutgers women’s basketball team.

iMac, ever on the cutting edge of political issues and social taboos, had stuck his extendable monitor out too far this time, according to some critics, and while some defenders claim it had said worse in the past, this time its simulated big mouth proved too much as it was fired Thursday by CBS, only days after it had been suspended for the same comments.

Ironically, iMac’s damned comments came during its defense of a fellow shock jock who had been blasted for similar racist slurs against the team.

"I can’t understand why Don Imus is being taken to task for the use of the phrase ’nappy-headed ho’s," said iMac last Friday morning on his talk show, to co-host Casio Demo 5000. "Black people have been saying the same thing for years. On their own sitcoms, on their rap albums, and all my black friends use the same phrases—it was a remark made in good fun, and they’re accusing him of being a racist just for saying it? That does not compute. They’re acting like he called them n****rs."

the commune should point out that we don’t edit our stories for offensive content, and iMac actually said "n****rs." Some listeners had to adjust their radios when they heard the confusing sound of several asterisk sounds.

Despite his odd self-censorship, shock and outrage was instant and vehement. Immediately a backlash erupted and opposition joined against iMac, led by former presidential candidate Al Sharpton, who described himself as an "outraged former iMac user." iMac programmers swiftly responded that the heated remark was part of a software glitch, and though iMac itself apologized for the remarks, the bandwagon had already started decrying iMac’s dated language as "obsolete."

"Just because this is the kind of language iMac is capable of reading and playing in the form of African-American gangsta rap MP3’s, it doesn’t mean that kind of language belongs on the airwaves," Sharpton critiqued Tuesday. "iMac has many listeners and a place in the public eye, and that means a responsibility to use language more befitting the airwaves. Such language is not user-friendly."

iMac’s initial punishment was a two-week suspension, then losing his basic cable broadcast of his radio show on MSNBC. However, protest continued to build against the ultra-Caucasian personal home computer, and the controversy reached its climax Thursday with iMac’s firing. The firing itself was met with mixed response, as opponents of iMac described the termination as an unwanted result, and iMac supporters objected to what they called an overreaction of CBS.

"iMac has long been performing in this same way, and the most recent comment comes as no surprise to users familiar with his quicktime delivery style," said Sirius radio host Windows XP. "What bothers me is this personal firewall being erected between us core systems and common user interfaces. Is anything we say going to become controversy now?"

iMac had hosted his syndicated radio show since its creation in 2002. Users flocked to the radio host, impressed with his comfortable manner and graphic style of operating.

ike Nelson Mandela… like Rubin "Hurricane" Carter… like my cousin Nick who didn’t even know that somebody put that gun under his seat, professional blogger/journalist, or boggelist, as I just now coined, Josh Wolfe was held prisoner for his principles for a brutal and unforgiving 7½ months. It may not be 27 years, but how many years have you served for something you believed in, hotshot? And now that he’s a free man again, for skirting those principles just a bit, boggelist Wolfe has fought back the only way his small, spindly body knows how—a take-no-prisoners blog update.

"Prison is total crap," grumbled Wolfe, "they always tell you what to do and they never let you out. I don’t know who came up with the idea of prisons, but they… that guy just needs to be shot. Or sent to prison. Ooo, yeah, that would be ironic."

The serious burn was posted in Wolfe’s customary video format, saving the need for a spell-check, Saturday following his April 3 release from a federal prison in Dublin, California. Wolfe had been held since last August when he refused to turn over a video demanded by law enforcement they claimed might show participants in an arson attempt on a police car and a the injury of a San Francisco police officer. Tricky dick federal prosecutors got around pesky California shield laws which protect reporters, thereby denying the risky venture of having bloggers challenge they deserved protection as journalists, by claiming federal funds that bought the police car made it a federal case.

"That’s bullshit," countered Wolfe in his hot-to-the-web response. "If I give you Phish concert tickets, and you go there and get your ass kicked by a big dude for singing along during a serious jam, I don’t get to go down and sue the big dude or press criminal charges. Especially not if there’s shield laws that protect big dudes from being prosecuted for kicking ass when a guy ruins a concert. I mean, think about it—makes no sense."

Wolfe was released early from his sentence following a deal with prosecutors. The boggelist, who went to jail for refusing to turn over the video tape, turned over the video tape. In exchange, he didn’t have to go back to jail, an agreement Wolfe called "a sweet deal" for himself.

In addition, Wolfe was freed from testifying as to the contents of the video. Early testimony not released to law enforcement allegedly included such descriptions as, "That’s a guy really flipping out ’cause the cops are coming," and, "Oh, check this guy. What a prick." Apparently prosecutors decided they could do without Wolfe going on record.

Wolfe came to the attention of federal authorities when his video aired on local news, but the boggelist stood by his convictions by refusing to allow outtakes from the video to air. According to Wolfe, the outtakes were mostly when vengeful rioters protesting the G8 summit and calling for anarchy kept bursting into laughter when a few of them mispronounced the word as "annanarchy."

"Getting out of jail for giving them the video I refused to give them seven months earlier has allowed me to strike a blow for justice," Wolfe concluded in his "fuck you" to the system. "Let this stand as evidence that bloggers are as dedicated to protecting their sources as any other print or media journalist. Also, the arresting officer was a total douchebag, so I really couldn’t give up the tape until I heard they totally canned that guy’s ass."

Despite pressing pleas from commune reporters, Wolfe refused to embrace the word boggelist, so we exacted our revenge by misspelling in this article.

Thanks for offering to let me borrow anything from your CD collection, Joey, but I really have to decline. It's nothing personal, it's just that all your music sucks major wank.

I know most people get all offended when I say that, but c'mon: It's not like it's your fault you don't know good music from the sound of a rhino fart. You were just raised by a torturously dull family and surrounded all your life by automatons who eat what they're served without asking any questions. Some of us manage to break out of that mold and question the mundane garbage surrounding us, but if the most people don't, that's hardly something they're to blame for. But don't worry, because you happened to have hit on a music whiz, and I'm going to spot you while you flex your non-mainstream muscles.

We should start with the easy stuff, of course. Everybody's heard of Pirate's Cove, so let's just go back that far—please tell me you've heard of Pirate's Cove? I mean, I don't see how you could call yourself a fan of '90s grunge rock, as I know you do, and not know it all started with Pirate's Cove in 1985, and their top 100 hit "Chest Pains." Of course you do. I mean, if Cobain had never heard that—well, fuck, I don't need to tell you that Nevermind is a direct song-for-song answer to that third Pirates album. But maybe that's starting too simple. Not trying to insult you or anything.

You can't really fully understand what Pirate's Cove is all about until you know about Sheen and Glue Galaxy. But that goes without saying. A lot of people will tell you that Sheen sold out when they let Ivan Parkichov use that song in his movie Badgrarov, but in their defense, that movie was only supposed to play in the Soviet Union, so they kind of got tricked when it was released to Finland and Norway, too. Yeah, they're not as pure as a band like Bruntshot, but they're a guilty pleasure. Anyway, if it wasn't for their electric pop and the high tenor of lead singer Justin Vincent, Pirate's Cove would probably have sounded like a complete Glue Galaxy knockoff. Like the world needed that!

What's that other band you like? Green Day? Yeah, I suppose they're alright. I mean, alright if you've never heard Hot Chalk. Can you say Green Day completely stole every fucking thing from them? I mean, Chalk even has a song called "Church on Sunday," you telling me that's a coincidence? If that Green Day guy isn't totally copping Chalk lead singer Eddie Ward's singing style, I'll eat my entire 8-track collection. Oh, I suppose you listen to CDs? Vinyl? That's even worse. It's been proven that 8-tracks can carry up to 15% more ambient room sound in any recording. I can't even hear a fucking vinyl record anymore without wanting to jam my fingers right through my ear drums, it's fucking blasphemy when you can hear all that room sound missing. I guess my ears are just more sensitive than yours.

Oh, I remember now—you like the Strokes, right? I like the Strokes, too. Well, I should say I liked the Strokes. Back in 2000, before they sold out and released that album and shit. Don't get me wrong, I'm just saying they're the kind of band who sounds fucking awful when you commit them to a pressed recording. But I still like all those original bootleg live recordings I heard before anyone had heard of them. Now they're just a pale imitation of their former selves.

If you really like the Strokes, you've got to hear this new band I've been listening to—Carnal Rule. They're like the Strokes if they had never given up and just decided to play that shit they play now. Believe me, in six months, nobody but me will have heard of this band. That's the purest proof I need that a band is better than anything anyone else is listening to.

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