We Must Become the Change We Want to See in the World

I'm sick and fatigued by the state of the world, and I'm sure you are too, unless you're one of the assholes who's part of the problem. Which, chances are, you are, because there's only like ten cool people in the world, but I don't have their addresses so I'm gonna have to just hope they read the commune.

This world is full to the brim with crap. Like war. What's that good for? And techno music. What's that good for? Absolutely nothing. At least war has lead to some pretty cool movies. Techno hasn't even done that. Other things that suck: homelessness, celebrities, country music, pitbulls eating babies, racism, NASCAR, people who say they know judo but don't know shit, polo, candy corn, the death penalty, abortion, anti-abortion, Creed, humidity, Mormons, and cancer.

Sometimes it's enough to make you want to give up and just smoke crack and watch porno all day. But even that gets old after a while. This same DP scene again? Couldn't they have at least included some alternate angle features on the DVD or something? I mean, yeah, it's not even a DVD, it's an old VHS tape that you found in the closet of your apartment when you moved in, but still.

The other obvious solutions is just to drive through the streets, shooting people at random, hoping you don't hit too many of the people that make it all worthwhile, like Jamie Kennedy. But not all of us are crack shots, and you forget to roll down the window once or you space that you can't shoot through the windshield and suddenly your whole car's like a burrito stuffed with glass. That's a fine thanks for just wanting to make the world a better place.

I've felt like the whole situation was hopeless for years, until I saw this bumpersticker the other day that laid it all out with no bullshit. It said "We Must Become the Change We Want to See in the World," next to a drawing of John Lennon with a shaved head. Shit yeah. I mentioned seeing that bumpersticker to a friend, who explained that actually wasn't a drawing of Lennon, it was Idi Amin. No shit. I think that Amin guy knew his stuff. And I've adopted that bumpersticker as my new personal philosophy, which I haven't done since "Shit Happens" in the third grade, not counting those two weeks last year when I was really into "Time Flies Like an Arrow, Fruit Flies Like a Banana."

But this Amin bumpersticker is way deeper than all that. What it basically means is "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem, dicksuck, so shut the fuck up." And that really hit me hard. So I've decided to take action.

You know how everybody's always driving all slow and shit, slowing way down going around turns, like old people and whatever, just to piss you off? Not me. Now I'm setting the cruise control at 45 and I don't slow down for shit. If your tires don't screech when you go around a turn, you're part of the problem, bud.

Another major problem we've got is Americans signing up for the Army and going over to Iraq and shooting the place all to shit. Not me. I signed up for the Army the other day, but when they come to get me, sorry squares. I'll be up in Canada, living the good life. Sucks to be you.

Abortion's another one, and both sides of that argument are full of assholes. So I'm going to do something about it. I'm gonna go out and get a girl pregnant, and I'll be goddamned if she's going to have an abortion. Watch and learn, world. To top it all off, we're not even going to get married, because the divorce rate is way too high in this country. And if her warmonger father comes around with a shotgun, demanding that I marry her or provide financial support, well suck on this padre: I already split for Canada.

Get in line, chumps. The change starts with me.

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