My Band Alone Can Save Rock 'N' Roll

Dudes, us rock 'n' roll die-hards can longer lie to ourselves: Rock 'N' Roll is dying.

Who among us is a music doctor, a hard rock Dr. House, who could diagnose when exactly rock 'n' roll contracted its fatal disease? It might have been the first time Richard Marx released his first album, or as late as when Russell Crowe thought he had the balls to rock. And no doubt we can put a lot of that blame on the cancerous influence of corporations. These modern corporations are leeches who suck the life right out of rock 'n' roll, nothing like the good corporations who gave the Who, the Rolling Stones, the Sex Pistols, and Pearl Jam before their big wide-release breaks.

The way I see it, we have two choices: We can sit back and wear black kerchief armbands and piss and moan about the death of rock 'n' roll—or we can save it. Guess which one Derek Zomny is all 'bout.

I speak the fothermuckin' truth when I say I have the one band that can save rock 'n' roll. I'm not so different than Jon Landau in Rolling Stone years ago, saying with certainty, "I have seen the future of rock 'n' roll and his name is Bruce Springsteen." My case is exactly the same, except for Rolling Stone had readers. Also, I am in the band that is the future of rock 'n' roll: Face Mask.

Despite being the lead singer/songwriter/lead guitarist/manager/van driver/owner for the band Face Mask, I have no bias when I say we are the best fucking band out there right now. When people ask me what is our sound, I say pure fucking beauty, man. We aren't like other bands and we refuse to sound like them. We aren't like these other bands that came to save rock 'n' roll but just kipe the original sound of some other band. Oasis? Puh-leeze. They're sub-Beatles. The Strokes? The Velvet Underground meets the Buzzcocks. We sound like the band Jesus would have had and nothing else.

Like any band, we had to start by playing covers of our influences. Josh (rhythm guitar, though sometimes the lying prick will tell girls he's lead guitar, as if) was really into the Edge a long time ago, but now he listens to mostly Clapton. So we worked "Sunday Bloody Sunday" into our repertoire. Nash, our bassist, has always been a big Rush man, so we had to play "Tom Sawyer," and since him and me both like the Zep, and I could do the shit out of a scream, we covered "Immigrant Song," too. We used to have a big fat drummer named Sticky Pete, too, and he made us do some Primus shit we weren't into, but we kicked his ass to the curb for a more photogenic dude on skins, Clint Warhawk. He's not an Indian, but fuck if you can tell that. And he's really into Guns 'N' Roses, so we added "Sweet Child O' Mine" to our latest set list.

I don't have to tell you guys, however, that the real test for a band is their original material, and nobody has the fucking original material we do. I write songs like John Lennon and Paul McCartney were locked in a fucking room with Kurt Cobain and Bob Dylan. You go into that room and maybe you find nothing but blood and entrails and a pile of pure genius songs, that's what it's like in my composition book where I compose.

Songs like "You Don't Bring Me Malt Liquor," "Tongue Death," "Fancy Fucking Girl," and "Trip on This Shit, You Cock" (an instrumental, but not because I couldn't think of lyrics) will go down into the rock history books next to "Eleanor Rigby," I guaran-fucking-tee you.

This may all seem like cocky boasting to those of you who haven't heard us yet, but I swear, Face Mask more than lives up to the expectations I give you. And anyone who doesn't believe me, and will be in the Richmond, Virginia area May 25 is welcome to come to Thomas Jefferson High School on prom night and see the future of rock 'n' roll, alive and kicking. We also do stage-diving.

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