I'm Finally Coming Around to Shaved Vaginas

A lot of people look at me and they're quite impressed to see a man my age, part of the '80s generation, who's so hip and into what's "now." But I have to admit, there's some things that bring out the old fart in me, and until recently, completely shaved pussy was one of 'em. It just gave me the chills, and while it never stopped me from fucking away, it always left me a little disappointed—but not any more. I've had a change of heart about shaved vaginas.

Not a week went by, in the past, where I didn't go so art gallery opening or book signing and a friend or random guy in line didn't try to convince me hairless twat is the way to go—I don't know what brings it out in these people. As soon as you make a gagging noise at a bare beaver in a nude photo displayed high on the museum wall, some joker thinks it's his personal mission to sway you from your preference for fuzzy trim. "It's more sanitary," they'd say. "It's nicer to the touch." Well, if that's true, we should all shave our heads, too. I mean, I do, but you see my meaning. Maybe I'm stuck in the past, but if you're not spitting hairs out onto your lover's thigh constantly, to me, it's just not real fucking.

I've always thought it gave the impression I was fucking pre-teens or something. Disgusting. I mean, I make it a point not to ask a lady's age because it's a rude question, but if she says she wants to fuck like a horny toad when I ask, I at least look for some sign I might be going to prison. Now that women are going bald on purpose down there, where's the line? It's like I've got to card my one-night stands, and that's no fun. But as I've said, I've kind of cleared that whole "bare pussy makes me want to vomit" phase.

You can ask if I just started to roll with the times or had a bad experience or something, but I'm not exactly sure what swayed me on this complex argument. Maybe it's all the upskirt shots of famous celebrities that we're seeing lately. It might be the girls I've been bagging like a teen-aged Piggly Wiggly employee, who knows. Or it's probably just that if you see shaved vagina after shaved vagina on your gym spy cam, eventually you just become familiar with it. All those things may be a factor. But seeing a girl of unknown age discreetly soap up her bald pussy when she thinks no one is watching no longer bothers me like it used to. You could even say I like it, although I'm ultimately hoping this whole thing is still a fad. Yes, in sixteen years' time, when the children of today are the hot young fuck sluts of tomorrow, I hope that we as a nation are swimming in bush again. A man can dream, can't he?

I guess it's true what parole officers say—you can take the man out of prison, but you can't quite take the prison out of the man. Metaphorically speaking, of course. I'm always going to be the boy who group up beating meat to thick jungles of pubic hair on skinny, busty nude models in issues of Playboy, Penthouse, or even Oui. Just because those publications have changed or ceased to exist, and the arena is now filled with drunken college girls flashing their goodies for T-shirts, doesn't mean that I've grown along with that trend. I'm stuck in the past, maybe, wrapped in tendril after tendril of short curly hairs. But I like it that way. It doesn't mean I'm going to give up fucking girls whose names I don't remember, but it doesn't mean I'm not going to fondly remember those simple days, before full-body waxes.

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