Tom Cruise Loves That Woman!

Excerpts from the blog of movie enthusiast/Spineless Magazine reviewer Joel Dickman

Who doesn't love Tom Cruise? The Chinese, maybe, and while I wouldn't put it past them, I can't see how anyone doesn't love ol' Tom! Except Brooke Shields. And psychiatrists. And have you seen how Rosie turned on him?!? MEE-OWWW!

But the rest of the world still loves him. Including yours truly—the queen! I've heard it through an unnamed internet website that Tom got to meet with the queen personally the last time he was in England! She's got so much drag over there, they call her the "drag queen." Betcha didn't know that! It was a secret meeting, but my source swears it happened!

After all these years, Tom is still on top! His movie War of the Worlds made millions of dollars—maybe billions! But Tom couldn't have done it alone. Who couldn't use a little help from billion-dollar director Steven Spielberg?!? That's right, the man who made E.T. and Oskar Schindler household names!

But what everybody wants to know is: Is Tom really, truly in love with hotactress Katie Holmes?

Turns out he is!!!

Tom told Oprah Winfrey himself that he, and I quote, "loves this woman!" The woman he was referring to was Katie Holmes! Let the cynics think the worst, but you heard it from Tom's mouth itself—it's for real!

Katie Holmes: What a hottie!!! Sure, she may have a kinda weird face, but she's got a body to die for!! Remember when she talked about her breasts on that Dawson's Creek show?!? TSSSSSSSSS! (Sizzle sound). I couldn't be happier she's found true love at last with a star worthy of her hottitude! She used to be with big zero Chris Klein, the Keanu Reeves lookalike from America Pie; but instead of making the natural jump to Tom Cruise lookalike Peter Facinelli, she went for the big Cruise himself! Not only a hot body, but business smart, too!

Matt Lauer: What is with that guy? His star is on the drop these days, you can bet, after getting all mouthy with Tom-Tom on his daytime fad Today show about Ritalin. Hey, Matt, are you a doctor? I didn't think so. Leave the medical advice to celebrities who are more prepared to talk about such stuff. Tom's read the lit(erature). You haven't!

Brooke Shields: Someone needs to get off the anti-depressants!!! Take advice from one celebrity to another—your career's gone nowhere! It used to be you could get your baby pictures in Playboy or get a clever sitcom on NBC—now the best you can do is write a book. Or put your name on it, sometimes you can't tell with some celebrities. Give up on the psychiatry and get with the Scientology! Ritalin's shitalin! Ditch the pseudoscience mumbo jumbo and find yourself a not new religion. You'll be back in the spotlight in no time!

The Future: What's next for Tom Cruise? Nobody knows! Except Hollywood! But is it possible there's a Mission: Impossible III on the horizon? Sounds… possible!

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