Iraqi Politics Made Simple

I have been forcing others to study Iraqi politics so I can have a firm understanding of that region of the world "gisted" to me, so I might answer several important questions all on our minds: How long will our troops be in Iraq? What is our purpose of remaining there for all this time? What does Iraq stand for, it's some kind of acronym, right?

No, No, and No. Things are so infinitely complicated in Iraq, unlike over here in the States, that we may never entirely leave. Several parties are vying for control of Iraq, and they disagree on several key political points. Fortunately, they do agree on one thing: They all hate America.

This is no surprise. Anybody who has watched Fox News recently knows Middle Easterners love to burn American flags, with a proven history of providing warmth during cold desert nights. But why do they hate us so? There are two schools of thought on the subject. One, they hate us for political meddling in the scene, attempting to maneuver their elections and political parties, cutting deals with puppet governments to pillage the land for its natural riches, and when all else fails, taking what we want by force. Or two, because we are so cool and have everything they want. Which is the correct reasoning? No one can say, at least they can't since I won't go over there and find out. Way too dangerous.

Let's look at a simple breakdown of Iraq's political factions: Al-Dawaa, or the Islamic Call, one of the oldest America-hating parties, who also hated Saddam Hussein. Now he's gone, so they're back to hating America again.

The Supreme Council for Islamic Revolution in Iraq, or SCIRI (pronounced "Scary"), another armed group of fundamentalists Islamics who would prefer to see clerical rule—and guess how they feel about the United States? They're not fans.

The Iraq National Accord, headed by new interim Prime Minister Iyad Allawi, who used to work with the U.S. C.I.A. and State Department, just like our old friend Osama bin Laden. Yep, not a good resume. They used to preach democracy in Iraq, but now have turned their sights on clerical rule. Real wide variety of options developing over there.

The Iraqi National Congress. Real stand-up sounding name, right? Unfortunately, their leader Ahmed Chalabi has been banned from all meetings deciding the future of Iraq, for alleged criminal activities. Just like our Congressmen.

Then there's several Kurd-driven groups, kind of like our Green Party over here. You would think that would be hopeful, but guess what? The Kurds hate us since Bush Sr. pulled support he promised against Saddam Hussein. So we're universally boned in fairly electing a leader for Iraq that doesn't despise us. Not that the Bush administration has any love for fair elections.

So what can we do? If we're going to rig an election, who do we put in power over there? I say Al Gore. He ought to be popular with the Iraqis, at least as popular as an American can get, since he won the popular election against Bush and still got screwed over by the man—talk about something in common. Plus, we owe him something. I, for one, would love to tune in CNN and see a lovable, stoic Al Gore addressing people in traditional Islamic attire about the dangers of greenhouse gases. Come on, let's give it a good ol' college try.

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