History Reaganed

It's no surprise there's few major news stories this week, given the death of Ronald Reagan is still permeating the national consciousness. Sure, there's some minor events that warrant attention—the death of a major Iraqi puppet leader and the complete personality change in the next-in-line to the White House, but it's how we start to move on from our grief. Slowly and with small tidbits of newsworthy items.

My respect for Reagan knew no bounds, unlike those restraining orders his administration filed against yours truly. Sure, we were adversaries—I disrespected his policies and found him insincere about his vision of a better America. A diplomatic cowboy, a fascist of the religious right, and merciless eradicator of the working classes and impoverished. Sure, given a gun, a single bullet, and a fair shot, I might have offed him myself—but I respected the man, and that's what counts.

It's no secret I'm a liberal, good sir, and I like to wear ladies' undergarments. At least it's not since I wrote that. But just because we differed politically, and my spite for the man was limitless, doesn't mean I can't recognize he was a premiere statesman and a beloved icon of America. Even if I hated him with every fiber of my being, even if he exemplified everything immoral and base and uncivilized about America, and laid the groundwork for the quagmire of foreign policy we currently practice that has turned us into the world's public enemy number one, doesn't mean I can't offer some small praise for the things he did right, should I ever discover any. When he passed on, I didn't dance—not very long at all, sir. A week, tops.

I bring this all up because the commune received some very unkind letters from readers this week about our previous edition's coverage of the Reagan story, and by that I mean him being dead and all. Now, I didn't read the mail, I have people for that. Lefty read some of it and gisted it for me, and she said some people liked it and some people didn't. Some people felt we were unfair to the ex-president and some people thought we were giving him too much news coverage. Some thought we were hot, some thought we were cold, but no porridge was just right. People, can you do me a favor and just get one opinion before you all go writing all that drivel to me? It's hard to keep track of more than one opinion, besides my own.

My point is: Quit your bitching. We had to cover the Reagan news in-depth, it was a huge story. In fact, it still is—what else is going on? Sure, the murder of a major Iraqi official, the Vice-President's filthy mouth, all of that stuff, but what else, tell me that? Hostages and terrorists killing people, of course, what else is new? There's that Jack Ryan thing in Illinois, but that's just another—

Jack Ryan? Wait, let me re-read the story for a second. Isn't Jack Ryan the Hunt for Red October guy? CIA super-spy and all that? Well, it's probably not the same one. And it's just another Democrat sex scandal with—

Holy shit! It says here this knob's a Republican! What the fuck is up with that? A Republican sex scandal? What did they do, have sex on the desk and then slash welfare?

Shit on a cracker! Sex clubs? Those are my favorite kinds of clubs! And his wife was not ordinary cloth coat kind of Republican wife! She's that hottie from Melrose Place and Star Trek, the one who wore the skin tight outfit and had Warp 9s out to here. The guy was running for Senator, too, no pissant Congressman from the House! Wow, this is the kind of conspiracy that really gets me going!

I call a do-over. Is it too late to scrap the front page?

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