Darth Nader

Some call him the 2000 spoiler. Others, the Green candidate. But to everyone else, he's simply Ralph. Ralph "Way to Ruin the World by Helping a Dickhead Cowboy Steal the White House" Nader.

But people who would use that ridiculously long nickname have Nader figured wrong. He's a man with something to say, he just uses too much detail and doesn't pump it with enough energy for anyone to really care. Nader is an anti-candidate, running with full realization he can't win the presidency, all he can do is bring attention to the issues the remaining 200 liberals in the country care about. Some say a vote for Nader is throwing away your vote; Nader says it's a statement to the established parties. That statement, of course: "I'm so fucking sick of you shits I'm throwing away my vote on Nader."

Our man Ralph is a bit of an oddity among candidates, since he says things that work against getting him elected—the very things most of us say we want in a candidate. He wants to loosen the control of special interests and corporate monopolies, raise minimum wage and get more families out of poverty. He wants to diversify wealth and put in place tax systems and social programs to increase the middle class at the expense of the richest one percent. No wonder he can't raise enough money to do anything. Someone should tell him why no one else runs against corporations and the wealthy—they tend to finance the whole shebang. As it is, the only people footing the bill for Ralph's campaign right now are Republicans who want to see Bush win in November and stoners who mistakenly think Nader intends to legalize it.

Make no mistake, the commune doesn't intend to throw it's support behind Nader. We still remain firmly anti-Bush until Kerry's elected, then we'll be anti-him. In fact, we plan on always being anti-whoever's-running-the-show, but you have to respect his commitment to his beliefs. Nader supports a pointless raging against the system so much he's willing to keep a dipshit language-mangling warmonger in the White House for another four years, pumping up private corporations and turning the rest of the world against us. There's a man who believes in giving the government the finger.

For those stubborn Democrats who say Nader's only in it for the ego-trip, think about it. Has capturing 3% of the vote ever been an ego-boost for anyone? Ask Mondale about the ego-boosting he received in 1984, and he even won a state.

To Ralph himself, who claims he might steal some Republican votes this time out and even the playing field for the other candidates, a reality check is also in order. Republicans disagree with you on every single thing you believe in, and would probably take the seatbelts out of their car during a high-speed wreck just to get your goat.

Most of you may be wondering, what will happen in November then? The two most likely scenarios are, 1) Nader backs out of the race at the last minute and throws his support behind Kerry; or 2) he don't. In which case, four more years of winter. But it's not my job to tell the future, at least not as long as I'm not wearing my swami hat. I'm watching this race close, however, because I believe if Kerry's elected, the world will keep a close eye on us for the next four years; if Bush is elected, they'll just scrap the "watch close" plan and rise up like a pissed-off Fletcher Christianson. I don't know if Nader will be among the first wave of dead in that scenario, or accept a cabinet position or what.

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