Something Wicker This Way Comes

Hey folks, and welcome back for another episode of Reflections of a Goocher, taped live before a recently-alive studio audience. We're here talking to celebrity housewife Susan Lutwidge, this year's recipient of the Lutwidge Family Prize for Drama.

SU: Good to have you here, Susan.

SL: Good to have been had here, Stu.

SU: So, is it true what I've been hearing about your recent plastic surgery?

SL: Well, if you've been hearing the truth it is.

SU: Good point.

SL: But yeah, I recently went in for Botox treatment, since my face was starting to look like Ed Asner's couch.

SU: I was going to say something.

SL: Good of you. But the thing is, when I got there I found out that Botox is extremely expensive. Go figure. Really makes you wonder about all those Vietnam vets who were paralyzed for free. So anyway, instead the doctor turned me on to Reebox treatment, which is where they inject your face with space-age sneaker rubber.

SU: It looks great.

SL: Thanks, Stu, I feel great. And it's comforting to know that the next time I fall while jogging, my face is going to bounce off the pavement like a superball.

SU: Talk about "saving face"!

SL: No shit.

SU: Okay Sue, we're low on time here so I'm afraid we're going to have to skip straight to the bonus round. Your question, for a chance to win all the tea in Denmark: Who is the tallest man ever to win the Noble Prize?

SL: Uh, Nelson Mandela? Dude's black, right?

SU: No, I'm sorry, the correct answer is Steve "The Stork" Goodgee, who won the Noble for Frisbee Golf in 1997. You may have been thinking of the lesser-known Nobel Peace Prize, which is awarded every year for outstanding achievement in the field of keeping the peace. The Noble awards those who keep it real in the face of being spanked in the nuts by a flying projectile. Thanks for playing.

We'll be right back after this commercial break.


Hey there Ricky, sorry to hear your dad got arrested again.

Yeah, my life sucks. This is the worst family vacation ever.

Come on, look at the bright side. Maybe your dad didn't do it.

Yeah, but they caught him with her jammies and everything.

You're probably right. Hey, wanna play doctor?


Holy Jehovah, we're back! And now it's time to check in with Hank Spankman and Johan Sebastian Crackersnatch, RoaG's own professional conversationalists:

HS: So, Johan, I hear you bought a bike recently.

JSC: That's a balled-in-the-face lie.

HS: Well you know what they say, there's a crayon of truth in every lie.

JSC: I always heard it was a train of vermouth in every life.

HS: That makes me very thirsty.

JSC: Me too, but I can't eat that much cheese.

HS: Chee—You know the thing about you? You're exactly like a cross between Bob Dylan and Bob Denver.

JSC: Well, you're like a cross between Bob Hope and a vacuum cleaner.

HS: I think I vacuum cleaner than you.

JSC: I vacuum naked.

HS: Do you always remember to wash behind your gears?

JSC: So we're back to the bike thing again? Okay, I'll admit it. The bike bought me.

I'm afraid that's all the time we've got this week folks, and I'm also afraid of spiders. We'll go into that some other time.

—closing theme, AKA "Can't Hug the Love Bug" by Styx—

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