04/26/25
Three cheers for the commune! Two?
|  A Brief Survey  March 29, 2004 Yes. I'm calling from American Home Prospectors and I was wondering if I could have a moment of your time. We'd like you to take a little test for us, as we're attempting to gauge the general public's knowledge on the subject of various flavors of fruit bats. Yes it will just take a moment. Please answer the following questions to the best of your ability, choosing the answer that you feel is most correct.
How many bottles of beer are there on the wall? a) Ninety-nine. b) Different bottles or the identical pairs? c) What wall? The China Wall? Seventeen. d) Who the crap glued all my beers to the wall? If you wrote a sonnet for a comet, where would you tell the senate to go cram it? a) Right behind the kneecap. b) Delaware. c) Up a monkey's bellybutton. d) Dinah Shore. How many ripples are there in Ted Kennedy's nipples? a) Seven. b) Forty-two. c) That's like counting grains of sand on a beach. d) Ga-barf! If you whistled for a taxi, and a Nazi came instead, what would you do? a) Pull the ripcord on my weasel. b) Dinah Shore. c) Spank out the beat to "Cherry Pie" on a street vendor's ass. d) Play Yahtzee with the Nazi, silly. What's the fastest land mammal? a) Landmammal Gonzalez. b) The newt. c) That little bitch that gave me the herpies. d) A cheetah what ate some hot sauce. What's the last thing he said before you pulled the trigger? a) "Wait. The aliens told you what?" b) "Whatever dude, fine. I like the hat. Shit." c) "I love this song! I get knocked-down, then I get up aga-" d) "All I'm sayin' is a I charge double to tattoo backwards, ya nutbar." What's the last can you opened? a) Lima beans from 1982. Thought they were refried beans from 2001. b) Extra-large whup-ass. c) Stall #47, Grand Central Station, NY. Unflushed. d) Proctology school, the day before career change. We'd like to thank you for your participation in this survey. Your answers will help us ascertain who will make the best protein paste when the robots take over and we become their food source. Have a nutritious day. Quote of the Day“Any man who serves as his own lawyer has a fool for a client. Because think about it, stupid, why you gonna pay some guy who didn't even go to law school? That's just dumb. And how do you pay yourself, anyway? Take your money out of one pocket and put it in the other? Silly. Or maybe you've got to hire a neutral third party to take the money and then hand it back to you, like a lawyer or somebody. Shit, this is gettin' expensive.”-Dred Scott Drummond Fortune 500 CookieYou're simply the best, and that depresses us all. The next time you're on trial for murder, don't forget to mention that a Klondike bar was involved. And if you must ask for a lawyer who can get you off, at least try not to do it with that smarmy leer in your eye. Try chewing your food an odd number of times this week, like 6,372. This week's lucky injuries: hangnail, hangankle, ruptured spleen, stabitosis.Try again later. Top Reasons for Honking
 le bottom eyes Truth be told, I've never had any sexual dreams of any kind involving Prince. I know that's kind of surprising, since you assume most people have, but not me. Not that I think I'm above it or anything, or like I'd freak out and join the Marines or... (3/17/03) Farewell My Concubines Well, I've officially drank enough eggnog to kill a goat, resulting last night in a terrifying vision of Christmas Future. Either that or I was at a U2 concert. Any way you slice it, I'm running out after work to buy the biggest chicken I can find... (12/23/02) One Household Please, and Hold the Kids Christmas is just around the corner, and that can only mean one thing in the Umbrage household: wait a minute, do I even have a household? Does one guy living in a studio apartment with a picture of a potted plant count these days? Usually it seems... (12/9/02)            |
Reproduction in hole or in parts without permission is likely to piss off her dad big time.