le bottom eyes

March 17, 2003

Truth be told, I've never had any sexual dreams of any kind involving Prince. I know that's kind of surprising, since you assume most people have, but not me. Not that I think I'm above it or anything, or like I'd freak out and join the Marines or something if I did have one. I'd be cool with it. Just never had one.

I did once have a pretty crazy dream involving the B-52's and the cast of Sledge Hammer! in Waikiki. I wasn't in Waikiki at the time, but the dream was. That was pretty hot, in a vaguely disturbing kind of way. Weird to think I'm probably the only person on earth who gets aroused at the sight of David Rasche. Luckily it doesn't really come up that often.

Whenever you tell someone something like that (and if you haven't already, I'd probably recommend not telling anyone and avoiding the problem all together) usually they think that you're either (A) a pathological liar or (B) a pervert.

(A) Those are some mighty strong words for a guy wearing a fanny pack, compadre. If you're not careful, someone's going to stuff you into that thing and feed it to an elephant. Then you won't seem so smart. Not me, mind you. But most likely someone with access to elephants.

(B) Fuck you! Who are you calling a pervert? I've made much straighter guys than you look like pervs in comparison to me, dickcheese. And who printed you up a license to inflict your uptight sexual repressions on the rest of the world? You make me sick. People like you come across all high and mighty until it comes out that you either (a) like to dress up like giant stuffed animals or (b) masturbate to cooking shows.

(a) Ew is all I've got to say about that. I just hope you work for Disneyland or something because otherwise, Ew.

(b) What the fuck is up with the cooking shows? I mean, yeah, I understand about wanting to learn to make delicious shit, but when did it occur to you to take your pants off? Were you already jerking off when one came on and it just became a force of habit? I guess I could understand that, but it seems pretty unlikely. You'd have to be jerking off to whatever was on before the cooking show and that was most likely (I) a travel show about Syria or (II) a commercial for some kind of microwave bacon-cooking rack.

(I) Syria, really? Whatever floats your goat, man. Last time I checked there weren't any National Geographic chicks there walking around with their mama-mias hanging out, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that they were having some crazy fashion show or bikini calendar shoot there or something.

(II) Okay, you're either (i) fucking with me, or (ii) some special kind of "miracle of evolution" freak-ass.

(i) Good one.

(ii) I'd give you a medal, but you'd probably get it stuck up your ass. Stay the hell away from me.

Quote of the Day

“I am the very model of a modern major general. Perhaps this explains my inability to move my limbs and the pungent smell of airplane glue.”

-Gilgamesh Sullivan

Fortune 500 Cookie

You're set loose and Fancy free, since your cat Fancy ran away. The girl checking you out at Safeway is indeed the lead singer of Deee-Lite. If one thing gets your goat, it's goat theftâ€”consider a goat lock. Lucky Wilburys are Boo, Spike, and Lefty.

Try again later.

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3.	Rhonda the Shy Stripper
4.	Frank Melton, the lookalike who doesn't look like anybody in particular
5.	Don Imus

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