le bottom eyes

March 17, 2003

Truth be told, I've never had any sexual dreams of any kind involving Prince. I know that's kind of surprising, since you assume most people have, but not me. Not that I think I'm above it or anything, or like I'd freak out and join the Marines or something if I did have one. I'd be cool with it. Just never had one.

I did once have a pretty crazy dream involving the B-52's and the cast of Sledge Hammer! in Waikiki. I wasn't in Waikiki at the time, but the dream was. That was pretty hot, in a vaguely disturbing kind of way. Weird to think I'm probably the only person on earth who gets aroused at the sight of David Rasche. Luckily it doesn't really come up that often.

Whenever you tell someone something like that (and if you haven't already, I'd probably recommend not telling anyone and avoiding the problem all together) usually they think that you're either (A) a pathological liar or (B) a pervert.

(A) Those are some mighty strong words for a guy wearing a fanny pack, compadre. If you're not careful, someone's going to stuff you into that thing and feed it to an elephant. Then you won't seem so smart. Not me, mind you. But most likely someone with access to elephants.

(B) Fuck you! Who are you calling a pervert? I've made much straighter guys than you look like pervs in comparison to me, dickcheese. And who printed you up a license to inflict your uptight sexual repressions on the rest of the world? You make me sick. People like you come across all high and mighty until it comes out that you either (a) like to dress up like giant stuffed animals or (b) masturbate to cooking shows.

(a) Ew is all I've got to say about that. I just hope you work for Disneyland or something because otherwise, Ew.

(b) What the fuck is up with the cooking shows? I mean, yeah, I understand about wanting to learn to make delicious shit, but when did it occur to you to take your pants off? Were you already jerking off when one came on and it just became a force of habit? I guess I could understand that, but it seems pretty unlikely. You'd have to be jerking off to whatever was on before the cooking show and that was most likely (I) a travel show about Syria or (II) a commercial for some kind of microwave bacon-cooking rack.

(I) Syria, really? Whatever floats your goat, man. Last time I checked there weren't any National Geographic chicks there walking around with their mama-mias hanging out, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that they were having some crazy fashion show or bikini calendar shoot there or something.

(II) Okay, you're either (i) fucking with me, or (ii) some special kind of "miracle of evolution" freak-ass.

(i) Good one.

(ii) I'd give you a medal, but you'd probably get it stuck up your ass. Stay the hell away from me.

Quote of the Day

“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, even more shame on you! Big fooler. Fool me three timesâ€¦ man, that brings back memories. Reminds me of when you made me drink that urine one time.”

-Vick-O Martini

Fortune 500 Cookie

That heart attack medicine may be making your penis smaller, so just for safety's sake, stop taking it altogether. Learn to play the guitar this week; it's just another good reason to carry out that plan to kidnap Dweezil Zappa. Remember, passing gas in an elevator is not only rude, it also slows down your arrival time by up to 2 seconds.

Try again later.

Top More Things to Do With a Severed Finger

1.	Donate it to shop teachers in need
2.	Really get your waiter's attention
3.	Confuse the hell out of C.S.I.
4.	Pick your friends and your nose
5.	Dip it in gold; make yourself an "I'm # 1" award

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