Volume 60

Dear commune:

Why won’t the commune publish my columns? Sure, I may not be popular like Emil Zender, or possess the mouth-wateringly luscious honeydews of an Ella Dipthong, but I’m okay in the sack. At least I imagine, I’ve never done it with myself. Not for lack of trying. But anyway, what about the columns? You guys got the picture I sent, right? It’s not me, but she’s pretty goodlooking, no? I’d look at that picture while pretending to read a column, for sure. I don’t know what the problem is; I’m beginning to think the commune is a prejudiced organization. Prejudiced against the Calvin Hotbarns of the world, that is. You guys probably could have got away with it if you’d been careful enough to run the occasional column by one of the other Calvin Hotbarns out there, just for appearances, but you cocky fucks had to go and rub our faces in it by publishing your all-Calvin-Hotbarn-free content all the time. You guys suck. I wouldn’t read your site even if it was publishing my columns. But I bet a lot of people would. So you should probably still run them some time.

Love,

Calvin Hotbarn
Roadthroat, VT

Dear Calvin:

In order for the commune to run a column, it needs to be a bit more fleshed out than a sheet of carbon paper scribbled with "Big opening" "Witty anecdote" and "Some shit about the trade deficit." We here at the commune have enough on our hands without having to do your goddamned job for you, dickweave.

the commune

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Dear commune:

Hey, you commune guys got any ideas what I can do with my Rob? By that you know I mean the R.O.B. (Robotic Operating Buddy) from my old Nintendo Entertainment System. I got one of the first ones to come out, when I was a kid, and back then instead of a light gun and Duck Hunt or whatever they gave you this little robot that helped you play the games. Maybe they hadn’t invented the light gun yet and were worried about complaints if kids were shooting TVs with real guns or something, or maybe they had to straighten out some kind of ducks’ rights lawsuit or something first. But whatever the reason, mine came with this robot thing that moves a gyroscope from one place to one other place. It’s pretty sweet for playing Gyromite or Stack-Up, but I don’t think those Nintendo guys were looking too far into the future when they planned like zero additional functionality for this thing. It’s not really any good for any other games or anything. I thought it might be able to help me with my taxes, because I’m shit at that stuff and robots are hella smart. But not this joker, he just plays with that goddamned gyroscope all day. Then I thought maybe he could answer yes/no questions like a Ouija board using the gyroscope, but he’s shit at that too and I think now I’ve pissed off the undead. I’m about out of ideas, what do you guys think?

Todd A. Preston
Whiteman, GA


Dear Todd:

It seems you’ve clearly failed to learn the lesson of the 80’s, Todd. Undocumented migrant workers will always be cheaper than robots, and they even continue to work after cataclysmic final battles with Voltron or the neighbor’s lahsa apso. Even if they’re no good at Nintendo, you can make up your own games like backyard wrestling, pitting one worker against another. And unlike your Robotic Operating Buddy, migrant workers often come with their own gun. Happy gaming!

the commune

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Dear the commune:

What’s the deal with Three Dog Night? Scratch that, what the hell IS a Three Dog Night? Or is this just one of them "chicken and the egg" pair-a-cocks that just fucks up your brain to think about it? Peace out.

Stuart Harbury
Whittle, TX


Dear Stuart:

Beats the shit out of us. But we did find out from a used car dealer that the expression "cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey" comes from the Civil War. Weird, huh? Who knew they were drinking that shit back then?

the commune

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Editor’s Note: the commune is not responsible for leaving you at the altar like that. If you couldn’t read the obvious hints that we didn’t really want to get married, written in lemon juice on our personal stationary and hidden around the house, then you’re in for a lifetime of disappointment and hurt feelings. Buy yourself a clue, and a toaster, girl.

Volume 59
Dear commune: Is it true what they say about you make an ugly face and it stays that way and that’s what happened to Keith Richards? I’m trying to teach my kids about science and don’t want to give them no bullshit answers. Thanks for the... (2/23/04)

Volume 58
Dear commune: I’m an idiot. Let’s just get that out in the open right now so there’s no confusion on the subject. Judge me if you will, and egg my minivan if you must, I won’t put up any kind of lame, face-saving argument to the contrary.... (12/22/03)

Volume 57
Dear commune: I want a new ten-speed bike, not a Huffy or a kid’s bike or anything, but one with real handle brakes and everything, something glossed up and ready to go. Something really cool looking. If you want to throw in a helmet or some... (12/8/03)

Volume 56
Dear commune: Long time no see, guys. Since you put up those curtains and stationed that security guard out front. I hate to say it, but I’m starting to feel like I’m not wanted anymore. Used to be you would sit around on your fat asses... (11/24/03)

Volume 55
Dear commune: I had to write after reading the letter from "Brokenhearted Mom in Virginia." My 14-year-old daughter developed an Internet relationship with a now 21-year-old man when she was 10. By the time she was 12, he was drawing her into a... (11/10/03)