Volume 59

Dear commune:

Is it true what they say about you make an ugly face and it stays that way and that’s what happened to Keith Richards? I’m trying to teach my kids about science and don’t want to give them no bullshit answers. Thanks for the help.

Derreck Chowder
Camelback NE


Dear Derreck:

The short answer to your question is this: Depends. The long version is twice as long: It depends. The most reliable scientific research conducted around the commune offices suggests that beautiful people can make ugly faces all day long without a detrimental effect on their appearance, as has been proved by the many beautiful women who turn down Ramon Nootles’ advances every day with their fixed, scornful glares. However, if you have an ugly face already and you make an ugly face, it’s probably just gonna stay that way. As for what happened to Keith Richards, have you ever seen Naked Lunch?

the commune

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Hey commune:

Hey man, what’s up with that song "Don’t Bring Me Down"? That’s a pretty kickin’ song that I like to sing when it’s on the radio, but I gotta know who’s this Bruce guy? Because I’m not that comfortable singing "Don’t bring me doooooown.... Bruce!" in a really gay falsetto with the windows down unless they’re talking about a pretty badass Bruce, like Bruce Lee or Bruce Willis or somebody. Or at least Bruce Campbell, you know. But if it’s somebody weak like Bruce Dern or a faggy plane like the Bruce Goose, then fuck that song.

Chuckory Hammerstein
Bronx, NY


Dear Chuckory:

According to commune fact-hole Griswald Dreck, the actual lyrics to the song in question are "Don’t bring me doooooown.... Gross!" so your manhood need not be impinged by any singalongs; windows down or otherwise. Unless there happen to be some bikini girls walking by at that moment and bystanders assume you think they’re gross, that might potentially brand you as gay. As for how the song ended up with such strange lyrics, according to Dreck, Electric Light Orchestra frontman Jeff Lynne was so high during the recording sessions he actually threw up into a half-full bottle of beer while the tape was rolling, and when the bottle foamed over in a disgusting eruption of vomit foam the backup singers spontaneously sang "Gross!" instead of the written lyric "Goose," a reference to the film Top Gun. Though the film had not yet been made, Lynne hoped this preemptive strike would land ELO a choice spot on the soundtrack, one which eventually went to 80’s soundtrack hound Kenny Loggins. Since Lynne was busy finding places to throw up he never noticed the lyrics were wrong and the backup singers sang the rest of the song that way so they wouldn’t have to go back and do the first one again.

the commune

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Dear commune:

You guys are cool. the commune is the most popular site at my elementary school’s library computer. Also there’s some kind of virus where we can’t change the homepage. But all the cool kids read the commune. Except for Rok Finger’s column, which gets blocked by the NetNanny. Griswaldo Dreck’s columns are very helpful for researching homework papers. Also, Boner Cunningham really knows what it’s like to be a kid, and he’s the star on our kickball team at recess. But our teacher wants to know when you guys are going to come pick him up because he can’t sleep in the Art room anymore.

Stacey Cree
Browntoe, NJ


Dear Stacey:

Great to hear your school is enjoying our "Teach the Children Well: House a commune Staffer for a Month" program. Giving back to the community is one of the things we do best, right after "deprogramming hippies" on the list. Be sure to tell your friends at neighboring schools about this valuable program. commune editor Red Bagel also sends his regards to your teacher:

"Huff on my sack, greaseball."

Thanks for your letter.

the commune

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Editor’s Note: the commune is not responsible for anything that happened after that bull got loose. We had it on good authority that was a mellow, laid back bull that just wanted to hang out and not be in a cage all the time, maybe smell some flowers or something. Nobody could have known he was going to react to downtown Manhattan that way.

Volume 58
Dear commune: I’m an idiot. Let’s just get that out in the open right now so there’s no confusion on the subject. Judge me if you will, and egg my minivan if you must, I won’t put up any kind of lame, face-saving argument to the contrary.... (12/22/03)

Volume 57
Dear commune: I want a new ten-speed bike, not a Huffy or a kid’s bike or anything, but one with real handle brakes and everything, something glossed up and ready to go. Something really cool looking. If you want to throw in a helmet or some... (12/8/03)

Volume 56
Dear commune: Long time no see, guys. Since you put up those curtains and stationed that security guard out front. I hate to say it, but I’m starting to feel like I’m not wanted anymore. Used to be you would sit around on your fat asses... (11/24/03)

Volume 55
Dear commune: I had to write after reading the letter from "Brokenhearted Mom in Virginia." My 14-year-old daughter developed an Internet relationship with a now 21-year-old man when she was 10. By the time she was 12, he was drawing her into a... (11/10/03)

Volume 54
Dear commune: Disney is a bunch of sick bastards. Is it true what I herd that "Haikuna Matata" is foreign for "I want some Japanese guy to feel up my tits"? That’s just sick, I don’t even like to think of Japanese guys that way. They’re for... (10/27/03)