Volume 55

Dear commune:

I had to write after reading the letter from "Brokenhearted Mom in Virginia." My 14-year-old daughter developed an Internet relationship with a now 21-year-old man when she was 10. By the time she was 12, he was drawing her into a deeply dysfunctional relationship. Unbeknownst to her, he was a mental patient who was obsessed with suicide and self-mutilation. "Brokenhearted Mom" needs to act quickly before the same thing happens to her daughter.

Wiser in Worcester


Dear Wiser:

the commune was touched by your touching letter and hilarious name. Someone has probably pointed this out to you previously, but did you realize your name also doubles as a descriptive phrase? That’s too much. It could even do triple-duty as a ham radio handle. Man, how funny to be you.

In regards to your letter, at first we here at the commune thought it might have been misdirected, given that we’ve never published a letter from "Brokenhearted Mom in Virginia." Believe us, we’d remember a name like that. The fact that your letter wasn’t addressed to us and was found out in the hallway inside a sack of stolen credit card applications also raised a few eyebrows. But by the time we got to the end of your letter, we realized you had the right place and the universe was just getting your letter to us by an unconventional means of delivery.

We can only guess that "Brokenhearted Mom in Virginia" wrote to you directly, and you wanted to share your response with the world so all might benefit, either that or there was a chocolate smudge on the envelope covering her return address. No worries, as that happens to us all the time, only sometimes it’s not chocolate.

Lastly, though we think your advice to "Heartbroken Mom" is sound and responsible, we must stress that commune reporter Bludney Pludd isn’t really as dangerous as he seems over the Internet. Don’t worry, we get this kind of stuff all the time, no need to be embarrassed. But we assure you that "Brokenhearted’s" daughter is in no more danger than any of the other 12-year-olds Pludd’s been dating, unless of course she’s allergic to roller-skating. Like they say, you’re only as old as you feel, and trust us when we say Bludney Pludd feels about ten years old to everyone he meets.

the commune

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Editor’s Note: the commune is not responsible for any broken hearts or promises resulting from Bludney Pludd not taking your daughter to the Jr. High prom. Bludney is a busy young man with many responsibilities and EverQuest meetings every Friday evening.

Volume 54
Dear commune: Disney is a bunch of sick bastards. Is it true what I herd that "Haikuna Matata" is foreign for "I want some Japanese guy to feel up my tits"? That’s just sick, I don’t even like to think of Japanese guys that way. They’re for... (10/27/03)

Volume 53
Dear commune: Would the commune eat me, if I had a body made of cake? You don’t know that it isn’t. Would the commune lick the frosting off my buttercup? That doesn’t mean you’re gay. Just that you like cake! And who doesn’t like cake?... (10/13/03)

Volume 52
Dear commune: You ever notice how people are really nice to you when they’re trying to get into your pants? I’m serious, it makes a huge difference. I used to think that men were just a lot nicer than women, who sometimes can seem like a bunch... (9/29/03)