Volume 53

October 13, 2003

Dear commune:

Would the commune eat me, if I had a body made of cake? You donâ€™t know that it isnâ€™t. Would the commune lick the frosting off my buttercup? That doesnâ€™t mean youâ€™re gay. Just that you like cake! And who doesnâ€™t like cake? Câ€™mon.

Wenzel Spitz
Olander, ME

Dear Wenzel:

Barf. Gag. Retch. Seriously. If we here at the commune ever eat cake again, itâ€™ll be because we forgot your letter. Jesus.

the commune

Dear commune:

My car makes a noise like this when I turn left: "GrraaaGrraaaaGraaaaaang!!" What the fuck?

Bruce Shimer
Slomo, KS

Dear Bruce:

Allow us to answer your question with another question: The commune staff talks in a hilarious huckleberry accent whenever they read your letter aloud. What the fuck?

the commune

Dear commune:

I thought Battlefield Earth was pretty good, but a little long. Seriously, I thought that middle part would never end. That thing dragged like a dead hooker. Anyway, is it true what I heard that the movie was actually a sequel to The Dark Crystal? I didnâ€™t know Jim Henson was a Cosmotologist, but I guess that would explain that freaky Fraggle Rock show. Crazy. Anyway, see you later.

Ed Pamela
Digmont, MN

Dear Ed:

Thanks for keeping in touch. Hope all is well with the wife and kids. Hey, remember that part in UHF when that Chinese guy was like "You so stupid!"? That was pretty funny. Take it easy.

the commune

Editorâ€™s Note: the commune is not responsible for anyone who failed a history test because they confused former president Grover Cleveland with the purple Muppet, also named Grover. Weâ€™ve taken the heat for that nonsense for way too long.

Milestones

1992: Ramon Nootles is married in Las Vegas. It is not the last wedding for Nootles, nor his last in Las Vegas, nor his last making heavy use of alcohol and strippers.

Now Hiring

Hooker. Must pretend to be girlfriend while bosses are visiting. Live with handsome bachelor, no sex involved, go on crazy shopping expeditions with high potential for comedy. Should be capable of winning people over with down-to-earth personality. If successful, will go on to become full-time beard for obviously gay attractive man.

Most Painful Music Lawsuits

1.	Christopher Cross vs. Kris Kross (1992)
2.	John Fogerty vs. John Fogerty (1985)
3.	Warner Bros. vs. Pri.. The Ar.. That Guy Over There in the Pastel Pants (1994)
4.	Michael Jackson vs. Insane Kahlil's Rhinoplasty (1987)
5.	The Ghost of Nat "King" Cole vs. Natalie Cole (1991)

Volume 52
Dear commune: You ever notice how people are really nice to you when theyâ€™re trying to get into your pants? Iâ€™m serious, it makes a huge difference. I used to think that men were just a lot nicer than women, who sometimes can seem like a bunch... (9/29/03)

Volume 51
Dear commune: Just a thought, but it strikes me that commune readers never really got to hear how the commune and its staff were affected by the 9/11 attacks. Since your offices are located in NYC, it must have had some kind of impact, right?... (9/15/03)

Volume 50
Dear commune: How come we donâ€™t have no national holidays for stuff thatâ€™s happened while I was alive? Was the past so great weâ€™ve really got to be celebrating that junk all the time? Gimmie a break. I donâ€™t even like the president, what am... (9/1/03)