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07/3/26   
Like lamb on acid

Volume 53

bio/email
October 13, 2003
Dear commune:

Would the commune eat me, if I had a body made of cake? You don’t know that it isn’t. Would the commune lick the frosting off my buttercup? That doesn’t mean you’re gay. Just that you like cake! And who doesn’t like cake? C’mon.

Wenzel Spitz
Olander, ME


Dear Wenzel:

Barf. Gag. Retch. Seriously. If we here at the commune ever eat cake again, it’ll be because we forgot your letter. Jesus.

the commune




Dear commune:

My car makes a noise like this when I turn left: "GrraaaGrraaaaGraaaaaang!!" What the fuck?

Bruce Shimer
Slomo, KS


Dear Bruce:

Allow us to answer your question with another question: The commune staff talks in a hilarious huckleberry accent whenever they read your letter aloud. What the fuck?

the commune




Dear commune:

I thought Battlefield Earth was pretty good, but a little long. Seriously, I thought that middle part would never end. That thing dragged like a dead hooker. Anyway, is it true what I heard that the movie was actually a sequel to The Dark Crystal? I didn’t know Jim Henson was a Cosmotologist, but I guess that would explain that freaky Fraggle Rock show. Crazy. Anyway, see you later.

Ed Pamela
Digmont, MN


Dear Ed:

Thanks for keeping in touch. Hope all is well with the wife and kids. Hey, remember that part in UHF when that Chinese guy was like "You so stupid!"? That was pretty funny. Take it easy.

the commune

Editor’s Note: the commune is not responsible for anyone who failed a history test because they confused former president Grover Cleveland with the purple Muppet, also named Grover. We’ve taken the heat for that nonsense for way too long.


Quote of the Day
“Sometimes when we touch the honesty's too much. Okay, you want the truth? It's not the honesty. It's that really rough patch of skin you have. Have you ever been to a doctor for shingles?”

-Hildy Daniels
Fortune 500 Cookie
This Bud's for you; at least, that's what I'm telling the cops if they pull us over. You'll be horrified to learn that woman you've been ogling in that "Physical" video for years is mom. White man finally break treaty again, just like you been expecting all these years. Take the Rockford Files theme off your answering machine already, the joke was old in 1994.


Try again later.
Top 5 Reasons You Won't Have to Kick Around the commune For Anymore
1.It’s expensive to run state of the art website and Dippin’ Dots franchise at the same time
2.You assholes simply refused to spell our name appropriately in lowercase letters
3.All of this was for date with girl at Blockbuster; she don’t work there no more
4.Less writing and online publishing leaves more time to hang out at coffee shop writing thinly veiled autobiographic novel
5.You never loved us
Archives
Volume 52
Dear commune: You ever notice how people are really nice to you when they’re trying to get into your pants? I’m serious, it makes a huge difference. I used to think that men were just a lot nicer than women, who sometimes can seem like a bunch... (9/29/03)

Volume 51
Dear commune: Just a thought, but it strikes me that commune readers never really got to hear how the commune and its staff were affected by the 9/11 attacks. Since your offices are located in NYC, it must have had some kind of impact, right?... (9/15/03)

Volume 50
Dear commune: How come we don’t have no national holidays for stuff that’s happened while I was alive? Was the past so great we’ve really got to be celebrating that junk all the time? Gimmie a break. I don’t even like the president, what am... (9/1/03)

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