Volume 52

September 29, 2003

Dear commune:

You ever notice how people are really nice to you when theyâ€™re trying to get into your pants? Iâ€™m serious, it makes a huge difference. I used to think that men were just a lot nicer than women, who sometimes can seem like a bunch of cold, heartless, backstabbing cunts all the time. But then I met the girls on my bowling team, and they changed my mind by being so cool. Well, wouldnâ€™t you know it, they just want to have a bowling-themed orgy! It figures. So anyway, my idea for world peace is that we should treat everybody else like we want to sleep with them. Wouldnâ€™t that be nice? I think Jesus would have recommended the same, except talking about sex was against his religion. Let me know what you think.

Pam Peartree
Valley Park, CA

Dear Pam:

While "Do unto others as you would do unto a woman with tits out to here" is a catchy religious slogan, we have to wonder how successful it would actually be in practice. Although the attention would be nice, we probably could do without being inundated with smarmy pickup lines from the guys down at the garage, or getting hit on by our priest. Leave that for the ladies to deal with, we say. And having some bury biker guy offer to carry our groceries home might just push us over the edge. While this doctrine would undoubtedly prove woman-on-woman relations, we doubt most men are ready to have their heterosexuality challenged in such away. More likely than not, it would only increase the number of times a day the police have to hear "I had to tie him to the railroad tracks, officer, he said I had pretty eyes!"

the commune

Editorâ€™s Note: the commune is not responsible for the ever-widening gap between the rich and poor. If poor people arenâ€™t willing to get up off their asses and turn their stock options into cash, then we say thereâ€™s no helping those people.

Quote of the Day

“We'll meet again. You might say that's impossible, since people can only meet once, but they haven't factored in my patented time machine and early-onset Alzheimer's.”

-Capt. Don Spacegain, Year 3054

Fortune 500 Cookie

Now's the perfect time to launch your alternative news website. Thursday's haul proves your friend's theory that the Halloween is really the only lucrative time for trick-or-treating. For your information, he's going to shoot his old woman down 'cause he caught her messing 'round with some other man; you don't need to know everything. Lucky son of a bitch.

Try again later.

Top Phil Spector Trial Revelations

1.	Spector threatens to shoot all his visitors in the mouth if they leaveâ€”get the fuck over it already
2.	Middle-aged Spector traded "Wall of Sound" for "Wall of Hair"
3.	Yes, everyone in L.A. really is as crazy as you've heard
4.	Spector goes through pizza delivery guys like you wouldn't believe
5.	No you're thinking of "Help Me Rhonda," "Da Doo Ron Ron" goes "I met him on a Monday and my heart stood still, Da do ron ron ron, da do ron ron"

Volume 51
Dear commune: Just a thought, but it strikes me that commune readers never really got to hear how the commune and its staff were affected by the 9/11 attacks. Since your offices are located in NYC, it must have had some kind of impact, right?... (9/15/03)

Volume 50
Dear commune: How come we donâ€™t have no national holidays for stuff thatâ€™s happened while I was alive? Was the past so great weâ€™ve really got to be celebrating that junk all the time? Gimmie a break. I donâ€™t even like the president, what am... (9/1/03)

Volume 49
Dear commune: Maybe you can settle a bet for my buddy Steve and me. Say two guys are shocking each other in the nutsack with a cattle prod, with the agreement that whoever passes out first loses the bet and has to buy the other guy some chili... (8/18/03)