Volume 51

Dear commune:

Just a thought, but it strikes me that commune readers never really got to hear how the commune and its staff were affected by the 9/11 attacks. Since your offices are located in NYC, it must have had some kind of impact, right? Surely you have some heart-warming, Oprah-like stories of adversity overcome and heroism in the face of terror, right? Do tell!

Norah Sierra
Albuquerque, NM


Dear Norah:

Thankfully for the sake of our non-shattered spleens, the commune offices are actually located in "New York" in name only. We do have a NYC postmark, but in fact, we’re so far out in the urban sticks we get a New Jersey phonebook, which is a pain in the ass because Jersey has no good Thai food. It’s like living among the islanders or something; we half expect to get a pig’s head in a box when we order take-out. However, don’t let this fact fool you into thinking we weren’t effected by the terrorist attacks, as none of our favorite soap operas or game shows aired at all that day. And it’s like the man said, once we can’t watch some overweight Midwestern housewife spin some huge novelty wheel to win a case of AAA batteries, the terrorists have already won. A truly sad day. Thanks for your letter.

the commune

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Dear commune:

Quick, settle a bet between my wife and I. If something is really great, do you say its "the bee’s knees" or "the beef’s nuts"? Stupid bitch actually thinks bees have knees!

Ron Lanteri
Deer Entry, NY


Dear Ron:

Actually, either is acceptable in casual conversation. However in the future, after your wife divorces you, remember that saying a girl looks like "the beef’s nuts" is unlikely to get her into your car. Knock ’em dead, tiger.

the commune

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Dear commune:

How come the commune never runs multiple letters in the Letters to the Editor section anymore? It used to be you could count on at least three letters per issue, sometimes more if I hadn’t read the previous week’s issue before. But now it’s only one, one stinking rotten lousy stupid letter per stinking rotten lousy stupid issue. I can only imagine it leads to even fewer voices that need hearing being heard. And that’s the problem with America these days, when only the "official" word gets out, from "official" news stories to "official" letters to the editor. I was really looking forward to reading future chapters of the Hobobeater’s manifesto, for example, but did they run? No they didn’t, and all so some primadonna could bitch about Donettes. Now how am I supposed to carry out my copycat beatings of destitute rodeo clowns? Thanks a lot commune, screw you and your big yellow bird mascot.

p.s. I won’t go to jail, I’m insainnocent!

Schekyl Bombase
Tulaine, OR


Dear Schekyl:

Thanks for your letter, but we’re afraid we here at the commune don’t know what you’re on about. We’ve been running this feature in the three-letter format for years now, and proudly so. And any suggestion to the contrary might raise a stink and cost us our jobs, get it? So itquay the Tonupay Inclairsay ullshitbay, kayoay?

the commune

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Editor’s Note: the commune is not responsible for the collapse of your campaign for the California governorship. After a long, hard look in the mirror we think you’ll realize you only have yourself, and various members of the cast of Predator, to blame.

Volume 50
Dear commune: How come we don’t have no national holidays for stuff that’s happened while I was alive? Was the past so great we’ve really got to be celebrating that junk all the time? Gimmie a break. I don’t even like the president, what am... (9/1/03)

Volume 49
Dear commune: Maybe you can settle a bet for my buddy Steve and me. Say two guys are shocking each other in the nutsack with a cattle prod, with the agreement that whoever passes out first loses the bet and has to buy the other guy some chili... (8/18/03)

Volume 48
Dear commune: the commune’s coverage of the war in Bosnia has been nothing short of commendable. Objective? No. But objectivity is a quality far overvalued in our current society. A steaming dog turd on the side of the road is objective. But not... (8/4/03)

Volume 47
Dear commune: Who pooped on the commune’s parade lately? Talk about a bunch of sad sacks and down-about-the-facers! What this gang needs is some crisp, refreshing lemonade! What could be better than liquid refreshment on a hot summer day?... (7/21/03)