Volume 49

August 18, 2003

Dear commune:

Maybe you can settle a bet for my buddy Steve and me. Say two guys are shocking each other in the nutsack with a cattle prod, with the agreement that whoever passes out first loses the bet and has to buy the other guy some chili fries, right? Okay, now if you shock Steve in the nuts and he screams like a girl so loud that you pass out from surprise, do you still lose the bet even though you never got your nuts shocked? Steve thinks you do, but I think heâ€™s full of shit and has been sitting on a bag of ice too long. Is the commune a bunch of lesbo-bangers from the Steve camp or do you see my point?

Sincerely,
Artie Duchamp
Flatskull, NJ

Dear Artie:

Cattle prods? What are you guys, a couple of seven-year-old girls in floral-patterned dresses at a tea party? You sure you guys arenâ€™t pulling our legs? Because we doubt you really have the nuts to shock, nice try ladies. Any two guys who were really serious about a snack-bar wager like that would take turns stuffing their nuts into a power outlet, and the first one whoâ€™s blown out the window loses. "Passing out" is pussyese for feinting, as any southern debutante knows. Quit wasting the communeâ€™s time and write us back when you have some local press clippings to enter as evidence.

the commune

Editorâ€™s Note: the commune is not responsible for any property or nutsack damage caused by the communeâ€™s own brand of dubious advice. By reading this website you have agreed to the legal release that is encoded, Beautiful Mind-style, randomly throughout the siteâ€™s text and images. And just try to disprove that, brainiac.

Milestones

1982: Rok Finger's scheduled sex change operation is cancelled when he's told the technology does not yet exist to change your sex from "Bone Dry in Death Valley" to "Gettin' Some."

Now Hiring

Goofus. Extreme cosmic fuck-up needed to offset commune staff as a whole boatload of Gallants. Pratfalls a plus. Strike that: Apparently we already filled this position with some Pludd guy months ago. Thought he was just an office in-joke, sorry.

Top 5 Smart New Weight Loss Tips

1.	Carbs are like the devilâ€™s penis: Delicious but fattening.
2.	After a workout, treat yourself to a tasty ice cube sandwich.
3.	Weigh yourself after masturbating. For guys, youâ€™ll be a little bit lighter. For the ladies, you wonâ€™t be so upset when you find out youâ€™re still fat.
4.	Youâ€™re never going to lose any weight if you insist on eating every single day.
5.	At-home liposuction is the third-easiest surgery to perform on yourself at home, after heart valve roto-rootering and a cock transplant.

Volume 48
Dear commune: the communeâ€™s coverage of the war in Bosnia has been nothing short of commendable. Objective? No. But objectivity is a quality far overvalued in our current society. A steaming dog turd on the side of the road is objective. But not... (8/4/03)

Volume 47
Dear commune: Who pooped on the communeâ€™s parade lately? Talk about a bunch of sad sacks and down-about-the-facers! What this gang needs is some crisp, refreshing lemonade! What could be better than liquid refreshment on a hot summer day?... (7/21/03)

Volume 46
Dear commune: If "God Donâ€™t Make No Junk," then how do you explain the Oak Ridge Boys? They suck. Sincerely, Norman Turner Falling River, VT Dear Norman: The paradox youâ€™ve hit upon is one of many caused by a shoddy translation... (7/7/03)