02/25/26
Try our bathtub gin
|  Volume 31  December 9, 2002 Dear commune:My name is Kent and I am 8 years old. I am doing a biography on President George W. Bush and I would like to know all about him. Please tell me everything about him, like where was he born, how did he become president, and what does the president do? I think the commune is a great news website. Kent Birkell Ohgett, Utah Dear "Kent": Nice try, Al Qaeda! Sounds like a good plan right off the bat, doesn't it? Write to some unsuspecting, poorly-run news organization, like the commune, and pretend to be a grade-schooler so you can get all the elusive secret information about the leader of the free world. Well, suck on it instead, dickless! You aren't getting free information from us, Al-Shabib. You made two mistakes in your otherwise-brilliant plan. For one, you referred to George W. Bush as the president without quotation marks—you're either a Republican or a terrorist, and either way we don't trust you. And second, the commune—a great news website? You must not be from this country. We hope your little dirty bomb or whatever goes off during construction and leaves you a dirty smear, terrorist asshole. In the off chance you are a real 8-year-old who just doesn't know enough about the "president" or the commune's "news" department, we offer sincere apologies. Terrorist asshole. the commune Editor's Note: the commune news is not responsible for the wind beneath your wings, so quit blaming us for it, maybe it was the dog. Quote of the Day“Don't run if you can walk. Don't walk if you can stand. Don't stand if you can sit. Don't sit if you can lie down. Don't like down if you can sleep. Don't sleep if you can be put into a medically induced coma. Don't be put into a medically induced coma if you can kick back in an iron lung and have machines shit for you. Don't do any of that if golf is on TV.”-Lazy Larry Lisbaine Fortune 500 CookieYou're gonna die this week. Sorry we couldn't put a more clever spin on that. In the meantime, try pouring sugar on your cereal instead of milk. Fuck it, what's anybody gonna do about it now? If it's any consolation, almost everyone in the world doesn't know you're alive anyway. This week's lucky coffin models: Dirt Rocket III, Econo-Sarcophagus Jr, The Spruce Moose, Office Max Moving Box Model 223117, The Bobsled to Hell, Spring-Loaded Jokester's Delight, Seventh Generation Biodegradable Grandma Sack, foot locker in your ex-boyfriend's closet.Try again later. Top 5 Pre-Rapture Activities
 Volume 30 Dear Commune: You have my phone number. You, the commune. You need to call the phone company and straighten this out. I've had the same phone number for 42 years and I'm NOT about to give it up. Thank you. Agnes Knutson Bromade, NJ ... (11/25/02) Volume 29 Dear commune: Just writing in to make you privy to the word, dudes. I just rocked the vote today by voting for that righteous fucker Red Bagel for State Assemblyman. True, I'm not exactly sure what a State Assemblyman is supposed to do, but... (11/11/02) Volume 28 dear commune: you guys rock the block, and I mean that sincerely. sometimes I wish I was a part of the commune staff, participating in wacky hijinx on a daily basis and being the butt of hilarious jokes. also, have you guys ever thought of coming... (10/28/02)            |
Reproduction in hole or in parts without permission is likely to piss off her dad big time.