Volume 28

October 28, 2002

dear commune:

you guys rock the block, and I mean that sincerely. sometimes I wish I was a part of the commune staff, participating in wacky hijinx on a daily basis and being the butt of hilarious jokes. also, have you guys ever thought of coming out with special edition commune-flavored candy bars? I'd buy them, for sure. sometimes reading the site isn't enough, I really want to eat the commune. just a thought.

Loel Lumley
Asphalt, NV

Dear Loel:

Thank you for your kind letter. Knowing we have touched a life so dearly is the fuel that keeps us going here at the commune, like what propane is for a gas-huffing redneck. We appreciate your support and look forward to bringing you your favorite commune features for years to come.

That being said, are you fucking retarded or something? I mean, were you dropped on your head before your skull hardened or were you just born this way? Jesus H. Christ riding a dildo-shaped dinosaur, I mean, come on! We've received some stupid suggestions in our day, most of them from our Editor Red Bagel, but we're pretty sure you've just squeezed yours out right on the very top of the shit pile. Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but you've clearly got shit for brains.

Thanks again for your letter, and keep reading the commune!

the commune

Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for anything that ever happened on a Tuesday. We don't even answer the phones on Tuesday. Tuesday is our "hanging loose" day and if you're not hip to that, well, you can just find yourself a new online best friend. Though if you do decide to go that way, could you wait until Wednesday to let us know about it? Because of Tuesday being, well, you know, and all. Thanks.

Milestones

1992: Ramon Nootles is married in Las Vegas. It is not the last wedding for Nootles, nor his last in Las Vegas, nor his last making heavy use of alcohol and strippers.

Now Hiring

Hooker. Must pretend to be girlfriend while bosses are visiting. Live with handsome bachelor, no sex involved, go on crazy shopping expeditions with high potential for comedy. Should be capable of winning people over with down-to-earth personality. If successful, will go on to become full-time beard for obviously gay attractive man.

Top Cruel New Rumors

1.	Gay people can't whistle
2.	Tennessee quarter shows state trooper harassing black motorist
3.	French Stewart not actually French
4.	Cats love vodka
5.	Donald Trump is secret owner of McDonald's chain

Volume 27
Dear commune: I know her! I know that lady! I do! I know her! That lady, I know her! That lady, Ella Dipthong, the one who did the This Space for Rent column that one week. I know her. I know that lady. Where do I know her from? She's too old to... (10/14/02)

Volume 26
Dear commune: As big a fan as I am, I have to admit I'm a little disappointed with your news lately. At least as far as conspiracy angles goâ€”Red Bagel is the only reliable source in the country, as far as I'm concerned, him and my pharmacist, and... (9/30/02)

Volume 25
Dear commune: By now you realize that your highly coveted and Pulitzer Prize winning reporter, Truman Prudy, is missing. At least we're pretty sure about the Pulitzer Prize part, someone suggested it might actually be a ribbon from the State Fair,... (9/16/02)