You need a newer browser.

08/28/26   
Made almost entirely of buffalo

Scrumpletydumples

bio/email
September 16, 2002
"Flippetyripples dapplety-giblets!"
cried the elf-like thing.
Pouncing on his footstool,
he was dressed fit for a king.
His sniveling little attendant
was harshly reprimanded:
"Dimplety-smackers… chalooga!"
he so eloquently demanded.
"Snabblety-scrabble, applety-pee!"
he examined it loudly,
the chain of gold that wrapped around his pudgy fingers three.

This would never do, it was much too yellow
is what he seemed to say, what I heard him bellow.
And deep within his deep blue eyes
I sensed a bluish dissatisfaction rise.
A glint of a look that seemed like it said
"Bring me my wife, and off with her head!"
For she had been spotted by the Chudaluk brook
with the caddest of cads, the deplorable Rook.
And that could only mean one of three things:
that she sings when it's hot, or it's hot when she sings
or lastly, unfortunately, that it's not singing at all,
that noise which echoed up through stairways and halls
which made it no secret, the shameful Rook's gall.
Though the last time I saw him, he stood not so tall
for on the king's mantle, in a jar, are his balls.

King Scrumpletydumples quite nearly was dressed
as he fastened a gold chicken medallion to his breast.
He wrapped his squat legs in chiffon and gauze
and dipped in royal rose water his royal red shnozz.
For today was the day he would take a new wife,
a woman so faithful with which to spend his life,
or at least that's what we figured he meant when he said
"Frognatz rulpumba! Tolingle! Shub-bed!"
Hey, your guess is our guess, it's the Kingdom's anguish
that the royal red king speaks an unfathomable language.



Quote of the Day
“What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is. Jesus, I'm wasted.”

-Dan Quayle
Fortune 500 Cookie
Don't stop thinking about tomorrow—we hear if you're late to your own castration they charge double. Anyone can be a hero to a small child, just buy a monster truck and never take your sunglasses off. Try eating more greens: we find it hilarious and it pisses off those asshole golfers. This week's lucky medical procedures not covered by Medicaid: assectomy, therapeutic genital massage, gene therapy for "itchy taint," installation of a second "failsafe" spare heart—baboon or otherwise, and goat removal.


Try again later.
Least Popular Howard Stern Guests
1.Tina Harper, Professional Soccer Mom
2.Pocket Pete, the world's smallest Stern fan
3.Rhonda the Shy Stripper
4.Frank Melton, the lookalike who doesn't look like anybody in particular
5.Don Imus
Archives
Snuffles, Wonder Dog
The call to alert had come! Or perhaps it was a call to alarm, there's a tricky subtle difference between the two that's always been tough to nail down. But whichever it was, the phone was ringing! Snuffles sprang into an action pose with his... (8/19/02)

The Story of the Unids
You see, there were these teeny tiny people who lived in a doll Tamara bought at the mall and though they were quite peaceful and kind, when they came out to introduce themselves she thought they were fleas and sprayed the whole lot of them with an... (8/5/02)

Shinto the Pinto
Shinto the Pinto was the nicest car anyone could ever reasonably hope to meet. He drove at reasonable speeds, signaled for turns, and hardly ever ran down baby carriages on the sidewalk merely for sport. His interior smelled like a freshly unwrapped... (7/22/02)

more