I've Been Scammed, Pulp Fiction-Style

Call the police, the Better Business Bureau, a lawyer—call somebody because I've just been scammed big-time, folks.

Scholars of the Coleman Dynasty may know that my favorite movie is Pulp Fiction, I've mentioned as much in a recent article in Hollywood Refugee magazine. "But Clarissa," you say, "isn't your favorite movie Cannonball Run 2?" Not since I saw Pulp Fiction last month, pal. Update your weird little shrine or whatever with some current information.

And this is where the scam comes in. I'm just browsing through the video store, minding my own business, looking to buy a copy of Pulp Fiction for my home video collection, which at the time contained some of my previous favorite movies like Little Giants and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turles 2: The Secret of the Ooze. I think Pulp Fiction is my favorite of my favorites movies because when I mentioned it being my favorite movie people don't laugh or ask me if I'm serious. But anyway, it was in this video store the scam-artist I know only as Brian, by the nametag, began to work his scam magic.

When I told him Pulp Fiction was my favorite movie, Brian, by an amazing coincidence (although now that I think about it that might have been part of his scam from the beginning), said it was his favorite, too. He let me in on a little secret—on his arm, the very watch he was wearing was the watch from Pulp Fiction, and it was priceless.

You know which watch I'm talking about if you're one of the few people who's seen the movie. I didn't know but Brian reminded me it was the watch the boxer put in his ass to keep the guys from raping him or something. It was the boxer's watch and it had been inside some ass for some reason anyway, it's hard to remember exactly what he was saying because I was so awestruck by the watch. Brian told me it was the favorite thing in the world he owned and he would never sell it except maybe for $250. Guess what? I had $250 right on me at the time and I bought it! Ha!

Or "Ha!" I thought—and said to his face at the time. But I began to have suspicions when I wore the watch to work the next day and nobody noticed it, even big Pulp Fiction fan Ted Ted. I told Rok Finger it was the watch from the movie and he called be a goddamn liar. I tried to prove it by going to resident Expert-on-Everything Griswald Dreck, and he said that the watch in Pulp Fiction was not digital, and the watch I was wearing didn't smell like it had been in anybody's ass, though it was possible it had been taken from a stomach or lower intestines.

To say I was mad was an understatement. I went back to the video store and it was like Ocean's Eleven or something when I asked to see Brian and the girl at the desk said there was no Brian working there. I realized I had been conned from day one. The manager said the girl was wrong and Brian was just off that day, but I tend to think the girl is right. They knew who I was, they knew I had $250, and the pulled the big heist on me and left me with a good-for-nothing digital stomach-watch worth maybe $20, if I don't mention the stomach part. Leave it to me to get burned on buying Hollywood memorabilia in a video store.

I'm not bitter, except about losing the money. That which does not kill me gives me filler for a column, I always say. Still, I should get rid of this watch as quick as I can, it's starting to give me a wrist rash.

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