Wearning to Pway Guitah

So Conan O'Brien's people have yet to call me back. As you might know, or will by the end of completing this sentence, I used to have a sweet gig on that show doing a "walk on." Conan's gang thought it was hilarious when I came on and ate corn flakes, in any kind of setting or with any weak premise to. During a sketch, a fake commercial, one of those long sessions where the band plays. They thought it was a laugh riot, though the audience never agreed with them.

I really miss my Conan gig. It was a way to stay in the public eye and get a free bowl of corn flakes, plus sometimes I would sneak into the green room and meet A-list celebrities like the girl from Law & Order: Misread Miranda and the little girl starring in Daddy All That. Take it from one child star to another, you've got the goods, kid, you're here to stay. But that was before the phone stopped ringing. So I've got to get back on top as the novelty former celebrity of the week.

Which has led me to take guitar lessons. Nothing leaves an audience in awe more than seeing an actor or actress who can do one other thing moderately well. With that in mind, plus my secret fantasy of some day becoming a rock star, or sleeping with one, guitar lessons seem like the best option.

I didn't need a guitar, fortunately, since they let me keep the props from the Who's Your Daddy? show years ago. Or if not let me keep them, at least didn't check my bags very well when I left the set. It's a little small, sure, and the Fisher Price logo is sort of garish, but it works perfectly fine. At least as much as I know about guitars. So I saved a bundle there. Some guitars in pawn shops cost up to $50 or more. Not for me, sucker!

But if they haven't stuck it to you on the guitar, they plan on raking you over the coals with the lesson cost. The guitar teacher Lemmy at Music Barn wanted $40 a month to teach me lessons, or failing that, a good meal before each one or maybe trade for livestock or something. Not out of me, buddy. Clarissa Coleman has been self-educated all her life, why stop now? I'm teaching myself to play guitar.

Far as I can tell, you can save a lot of money by not buying any of those expensive "teach yourself guitar" books. You can learn a little just by reading the books in store until the clerk comes over and physically forces you out. I've skimmed every book by a well-known guitar teachers like Hal Leonard, Kevin Bacon, and Mel Bay, but they're all a little pricey for me. Which is when I realized those chumps at the library give out free books!

I went to the library and, let me tell you, it was better than I thought. They even give out free books on tape! Hot damn, no reading for me! So I checked out a couple of tapes on learning to play the guitar. They were out of the Mel Bay ones, but I got the Mel Blanc guitar method, so that was cool, I guess.

Well, it's not the best guitar lesson tape I could have gotten, I guess, if I wanted to spend money. It's been three hours and so far I've only learned the A chord, what with all his stuttering. And it doesn't inspire you to keep listening when he keeps calling you a varmint and saying your strumming is despicable. But I'm not giving up. I have a genuine passion for learning to play, or at least getting back on the Conan O'Brien show.

Now if you'll excuse me, the tape wants me to practice on "Michaew, Wow Youh Boat Ashoah."

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