I Return Wiser from the Sci-Fi Convention

At times I realize how immature I have been in the past. These times are also in the past, having already occurred, but usually in the more recent past. The past weekend was one of these instances.

When I was 19 and hungry for work, not to mention hungry for actual food since the lack of work left me broker than space station Mir, I signed on, reluctantly, to do a sci-fi movie called Orgasma on the Moon. It was a softcore sort of sci-fi/nudie film, and yeah, it required nudity from me. I know what you're thinking and I hope you don't think less of me. But it's true—I did a sci-fi film.

It was a paycheck at the time, the easiest $500 I ever made for two weeks of work, not to mention I had more lines in that than most movies I did since Who's Your Daddy? went belly-up. I actually had a little bit of fun, but I knew a sci-fi movie would leave a mark on my career that I wouldn't recover from. I'd be stereotyped and stigmata'd or however you phrase it. I would probably never appear in Shakespeare on the London stage again, but it wasn't too big a downer since I hate Shakespeare and had never done it before. Actually, I'd kind of like to play King Lear but they seldom cast twentysomething women as the aging king so that's not likely.

Nobody expected Orgasma on the Moon would become a minor cult hit, least of all me. Hell, I didn't even use my real name at the time, appearing under the screen name Fanny Protruda. But that's exactly what happened, and though I didn't appear in any of the other now-famous Orgasma series, having played the major character of Queen Tongue I've screwed in my place in sci-fi history, and have therefore invited invitations to many sci-fi conventions.

Up until now I've refused to go, being a matter of pride and maintaining a shred of self-respect, but when the commune paychecks were recently delayed while Red Bagel tripled his money in Vegas I had a need for green that timed nicely with this year's Nerdophile 2002 Convention in Muncie, Indiana. So I went.

I have to say sci-fi geeks are the best geeks I've ever met, and I don't say that to win them over since I know they have a special place for me in their hearts and magazines. In truth I try to limit the number of geeks I run into so I can sincerely say they're the best I've met. Friendly, polite, ready to describe my flimsy costumes in detail and cite my lines to me better than I knew them at the time, especially since I ad-libbed so much. The director wasn't too strict about following the script, probably because he had lost his own copy.

I always thought of the sci-fi fans out there as hopelessly lonely individuals absorbed in the ridiculous fantasy of worlds that didn't exist while the real world passed them by. Despite the accuracy of that stereotype, I neglected to realize how optimistic, kind, and charming they all are, given a few exceptions that defied all rules to lick the Queen Tongue costume I wore. I have opened up my heart to these sci-fi nerds, and after a quite a few drinks in the bar occasionally flashed my boobs. But I was fortunate for the chance to meet them up close, finally getting to talk with people who are fans of my work and actually know me for something beyond that goofy sitcom and the court trial in the early 90s.

You sci-fi fans are the sweetest guys on earth and I can't wait to see you all again at more conventions and hear more of how I mispronounced well-known planet and galaxy names. You're all the greatest and I love you all like brothers. Got that? Like brothers. Quit asking me out.

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