Volume 20

Dear commune:

I have recently opened up a shoe shop in the Seattle area. I specialize in selling shoes to the odd-shaped footed lady for fellow. People I know where quick to offer names for the store, such as "Deformafeet" and "Freak Foot Apparel". After these names were offered, I stressed to my friends the importance of not humiliating and belittling your customer base. They agreed with me and remarked I would be quite a good businessman.

After settling on "Seattle Sam's Specialty Shoe Shop" I was admittedly a little disappointed with the turnout. The Seattle area is not as booming with odd-footed consumers as I originally thought. I have three toes on my left foot, the pinky toe of which is half a foot long, so I know the pain of going to regular shoe shops and the importance of finding a shoe store to fit your needs.

I want to advertise to a national audience and I think that the commune is the way to go. the commune readers probably have all sorts of odd-shaped limbs and body parts, and I can help them out with their footwear needs. How much does it cost to advertise on the commune website?

Samuel Carey Loopett
Seattle, Washington


Dear Samuel:

It's difficult to say how much advertising costs. Of our sponsors, only the big networks UPC and MCTV pay us in dollar amounts, each paying us $1,000 a month for their advertising spots. If that's too much for you, don't worry, the commune has unique payment programs for our advertising partners. U Ignorant pays us back with all the free degrees we need and the Handimaster 3000 folks have done all the woodwork and blowtorch repair we need around the office, at least they did until they burned down the payroll office. Now they open jars and mow our lawns when needed.

Your product sounds fascinating to us, perhaps we can work something out. Lil Duncan in particular would like to know if you can provide her with a pair of red cowboy boots with "hot stuff" stenciled on the side, size 23 men's. She would also like to use the alias "Marina Stamos".

We must say, however, we disagree with your statements about humiliating and belittling your customer base. We've had no problems at all with it from the shitheads who read our work.

the commune

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Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for calling you or anyone else shitheads. Sure, it may seem that way to the untrained eye, but only a real moron would think... enh. On second thought, just pretend you never read this page.

Volume 19
Dear commune: I heard rumors that the Pledge of Allegiance was being reconsidered in the wake of Sept. 11th. That some people had plans to make it mandatory to say the Pledge of Allegiance every day in school and optional at many jobs. And I heard... (6/24/02)

Volume 18
Dear Reebok: Do you have to make your shoes so bouncy all the time? I bought my son a pair of your shoes and it wasn't ten minutes after he put them on that he bounced right out the window. If it weren't for the safety nets I had recently installed... (5/27/02)

Volume 17
Dear commune: Congratulations! You have been selected from the population of high school students for inclusion in this year's Who's Who of American High School Students. Not just anyone walks away with this prize. The esteemed selection... (4/29/02)