Volume 19

June 24, 2002

Dear commune:

I heard rumors that the Pledge of Allegiance was being reconsidered in the wake of Sept. 11th. That some people had plans to make it mandatory to say the Pledge of Allegiance every day in school and optional at many jobs. And I heard that the new Pledge was going to include the phrase, "or may I burn like a tick on Hitler's ass in hell."

I'm not sure I like that, mentioning Hitler in the Pledge, I mean. The other stuff I'm benign about.

Danny Hatrack
Pounce, New Hampshire

Dear Danny:

It turns out the stuff you've heard about the Pledge being rewritten is a popular myth circulating in the wake of all this War on Terror patriotism. Some of it stems from confusion about the rewriting of the Constitution to remove Fourth Amendment rights for all non-wealthy Americans. But that's been going on for years.

We should also note, interestingly enough, the Pledge of Allegiance was actually rewritten long ago into the modern incarnation we know today. Straight from the desk of Red Bagel comes the original interpretation:

"I and my drinking buddies pledge allegiance to the flag, that one right there, what a grand ol' flag it is, with the stripes and all. Check out the stars, 13 o' those in all, each one for the colonies. Betcha don't see that kind of accuracy on flags of other countries. That's the kind of country we are, damn straight. We pledge allegiance to that flag as long as it's thereâ€”and to the Republic, always forget that part, the country for which it stands, one big nation we used to think was India, and the unexplored parts we haven't been to yet, who knows, this bitch could go on forever, and to God Himself, may he protect us from the monsters that may dwell in them unknown parts, be they invisible, for the liberty of those who have it and the quiet assent of those who don't. Now drink up!"

Several words were changed, according to Bagel, but the intent is still the same.

the commune

Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible, nor crunchy, we're creamy as all get out and you'll just have to accept it.

Milestones

1996: Red Bagel fires entire commune staff during "Crazy Bagel's Everything Must Go Liquidation Madness" phase of the commune's August Sale-abration. Analysts praise Bagel for ridding his staff of junkies and losers, who he promptly replaces with the current batch of junkies and losers.

Now Hiring

Bloodhound. Needed to track down former commune staffer Smilin' Jack Costello, who disappeared in May, still owing $8 to the office petty cash fund. Smart dog needed who is not fooled by turbans or overly distracted by running foxes. Generous wages to be paid in beef kidneys.

Top 5 News-Filler Stories

1.	Idaho Kitten Says Swear Word
2.	Exercise May Be Good for You
3.	People Pay Top Dollar for Name-Brand Shoes
4.	Movies Really Suck Lately
5.	Little-Known Website the commune Offends Lone Nut

Volume 18
Dear Reebok: Do you have to make your shoes so bouncy all the time? I bought my son a pair of your shoes and it wasn't ten minutes after he put them on that he bounced right out the window. If it weren't for the safety nets I had recently installed... (5/27/02)

Volume 17
Dear commune: Congratulations! You have been selected from the population of high school students for inclusion in this year's Who's Who of American High School Students. Not just anyone walks away with this prize. The esteemed selection... (4/29/02)

Volume 16
Dear commune: Quick! I'm playing poker and I can't believe the winning streak I'm on. What beats a flush? Joel Harmonica Marshall, GA Dear Joel: If you're talking about Flush, the refreshing carbonated drink with the real taste of... (4/1/02)