Volume 17

Dear commune:

Congratulations! You have been selected from the population of high school students for inclusion in this year's Who's Who of American High School Students.

Not just anyone walks away with this prize. The esteemed selection committee, made up of teachers, parents, corporate executives and our cousins, study the records of millions of high school students to find those well-rounded students with high academic marks, extra-curricular activities, and minimal acne. And you fit into that category.

Do not forget to celebrate this occasion with the purchase of a hardbound copy of Who's Who of American High School Students for $39.95 using the included purchase form. Don't let your relatives and loved ones be left out either—select the quantity option for as many copies as you want, and they can all enjoy your success.

The Who's Who of American High School Students
Selection Committee/Sales Team


Dear WWoAHSS:

This sounds like a complete scam to us. Some privately-run company deems us an extraordinary student and wants to sell us a $40 book (or several $40 books) to bask in the glory?

Perhaps we should stress our incredulity by saying we're a collective organization, an alternative news source, and not a high school student in the first place. It's a little ridiculous to see how we could have all gone to high school under one identity, right?
Still, it will look real good on our high school transcripts. Sign us up for one—no! Two. Two. Maybe we'll get more at a later date.

the commune

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Dear commune:

Hi there. I'm Chevy Chase and you're not.

Just kidding. I only wanted to write in and say how much I love the commune, I think it's great. It's the last place I turn for informative news, heh.

I'm not sure if I'm your first celebrity letter or not, but it would be great to fill that place on the commune wall of fame. I've seen some of those news articles you've got about celebrities like Paul McCartney and Jewel, so all I can ask ahead of time… go easy on me! Heh.

Okay, the jig's up. I'm not Chevy Chase, and you're not either, but I'm actually Chevy Chase lookalike Fred Coogan. I should say professional Chevy Chase lookalike, I get paid to show up at business meetings and such and pretend to be Chevy Chase for a good laugh.

Still, I bet I had you going there!

Fred Coogan

Milwaukee, WI


Dear Fred:

Thank you for your delightful attempt at deception. In the future, might we suggest something like… oh, I don't know… a picture included or something? It's hard to say your beer-stained hand-scribbled letter actually had us fooled for longer than two seconds. Although Red Bagel himself thinks you are Chevy Chase just trying to disguise your tracks halfway through an ill-conceived letter. Already we feel it was ill-conceived to print it, but we're short on material.

the commune

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Dear commune:

Ed Phillips here again. I am being brutally beaten by a gathering a villagers armed with torches. I would appreciate any help I can get from you, thank you kindly.
Also, I figure I can put an educational spin on all this asking the kids out there to never leave the house in a small European village with bolts on your neck. Especially a house that looks like a castle. Thanks again.

Ed Phillips
Hackensack, NJ

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Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for starting the fire. We've heard it's been burning since the world's been turning, though judging by the quick denial you might want to take another look at Billy Joel.

Volume 16
Dear commune: Quick! I'm playing poker and I can't believe the winning streak I'm on. What beats a flush? Joel Harmonica Marshall, GA Dear Joel: If you're talking about Flush, the refreshing carbonated drink with the real taste of... (4/1/02)

Volume 15
Dear commune: My name is Ronnie Boyd and I am 13 years old. I'm in the hospital right now and very sick. I have a rare disease that I can't even pronounce. I need a genitals transplant or the doctors say I won't live very long at all. I probably... (3/4/02)

Volume 14
Dear commune: Your publication means a lot to me. I'm sure a lot of people say that, but I have a special reason. I started reading the commune in prison and it helped inspire me to straighten my life out. I'm not exactly sure how, you figure that... (2/18/02)

Volume 13
Dear commune: I got drunk last night. But wait, I'm not writing with good news. Me and my girlfriend went out to eat and I think I hit her. She shattered into a million pieces and I couldn't even see her head no more. It freaked the hell out of... (2/4/02)