Volume 13

Dear commune:

I got drunk last night. But wait, I'm not writing with good news.

Me and my girlfriend went out to eat and I think I hit her. She shattered into a million pieces and I couldn't even see her head no more. It freaked the hell out of me.

What do I do? I'm thinking about running to Mexico, but since I live in Florida it would be a long run. If I turn myself in, will I get the chair? Is it legal to do something illegal as long as you are drunk?

Donnie Colbert
Osmond, FL


Dear Donnie:

We at the commune do not condone violence against women, unless they are in some sort of pro-wrestling outfit, or are Diana Ross. We are sympathetic with your plight, yet sickened by your very existence.

You should immediately go to the police and face whatever punishment will be handed down to you. It may be harsh, but it is necessary. It does not take a man to hit a woman, but it does take a man to face the consequences, and it takes two or more men to change a lightbulb, we understand.

Also, you may want to verify that you have not hit a giant Frisch's Big Boy statue or some other order-taking fast food restaurant device. In cases where a victim's head shatters into a million pieces, this is often the first thing overlooked.

the commune

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Dear commune:

I have two questions.

1) Can you tell me more about the history of styling mousse?

2) Have you always run the Red Bagel column in the commune?

Thanks.

Chazz Harlan
Cowerfoot, WY


Dear Chazz:

1) No.

2) Yes. The Red Bagel column has run since day one of the commune, yet it may have been overlooked as it's been written in tiny subscript within the commune logo, so as not to be read by the government. We then realized nobody else was reading it either, so we took the bold move of putting it in normal size letters on a page, just like the other columns which nobody is reading.

You're welcome.

the commune

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Dear commune:

I have recently purchased a cell phone and I'm worried about getting cancer of the head. I don't even know what kinds of head cancer there are out there. I want the least terminal kind, or failing that, none at all.

I'm not sure if the cell phone even works. Sometimes I call from a tunnel, I get static, sometimes I get Bachman-Turner Overdrive. Not a recording or radio broadcast, the whole band. Sure, it's nice asking them where they came up with the riff for "China Grove," but they tell me that was the Doobie Brothers anyway and quit calling them. It confounds me.

You know what else confounds me? Cereal. I'm not sure why we should eat it with milk and why we eat soup with water. I don't suppose anyone's figured that out.


"Weak Hat" Tim McGee
Harrisburg, PA


Dear "Weak Hat":

Well, you see… uhm… did you actually ask a legitimate question?

the commune

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Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for lost items such as luggage, watches, shoes, babies, or nuclear warheads. Especially since we're an online news source. Quit blaming us and take responsibility for your own sad lives.

Volume 12
Dear commune: I appreciate your views and your attention to the various sources of news out there. the commune is one of the finest Internet publications I've ever read, and that's not saying much. But I'm afraid I write to you with matters other... (1/21/02)

Volume 11
Dear commune: Hey, what up? Long time no see, m’man. How’s shit gone down for ya? What you do for New Year’s and all? I was getting down with some tasty honeys. Nothin’ too drastic, I get enough action I ain’t gonna exaggerate it or... (1/7/02)

Volume 10
Dear commune: It's amazing how you guys scoop all the other major news outlets. There's either a major conspiracy to cover up the news stories the commune presents or they don't use the same sources you guys do. Either way, cool job! I have to... (12/24/01)

Volume 9
Dear commune: I couldn't be more disappointed with the commune. Well, I suppose I could, if you were to say something bad about that charming young man from that show Jag. But right now I'm very upset as it is. My dog will no longer "go" on the... (12/10/01)