Volume 14

Dear commune:

Your publication means a lot to me. I'm sure a lot of people say that, but I have a special reason. I started reading the commune in prison and it helped inspire me to straighten my life out. I'm not exactly sure how, you figure that one out for yourselves.

I managed to get out with time off for good behavior, and everything has been great since. I started dating my parole officer and recently moved in with her, making plans to be married soon. It's been a positive change for her as well, as her daughter used to be in trouble with drugs and promiscuous sex before we started dating, so everything's been great for everybody.

I do have a question, though: Is incest a real law or just a social taboo? And does that apply to consenting individuals who are not related by blood? Thanks.

Jarway Hepburn
Friedmon, CT


Dear Jarway:

According to our bathroom walls, incest is best. Your story is very encouraging to all of us at the commune. If the commune is suited to providing hope to those with dim futures behind bars, we're sure we'll be doing so for you again very soon.

the commune

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Dear commune:

Howdy there! I am a professional daredevil. If it needs to be said, kids, do not try anything I do at home.

I'm a big fan of the commune. Not really, but I am a big fan of self-promotion through media outlets like the commune. I'll cut to the chase: I'm mailing myself to the commune offices in a large package. Don't worry, I've tested it before by mailing myself to the neighbor (boy, was he surprised!) and I have just enough food and water to get by safely. I also have a small TV and VCR with some rented movies and as long as I get them back in time everything should be alright.

I'm sending this letter separately to let you know I'll be starting this adventure tomorrow. Hey, maybe I'm already there! Wish me luck!

Vern Didactic
San Francisco, CA


Dear Vern:

It troubles us that this letter arrived so late in the mail, judging by the postmark. Even more troubling is the fact that since the anthrax mail scares we've been soaking our packages in the pool overnight.

the commune

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Dear commune:

I am an aspiring magician. I need to know, how do they pull a rabbit out of a hat?

At first I thought maybe there was a break-away bottom to the hat and they reach through the hat into the stand they put it on. There would also have to be a break-away top to the table and a rabbit stuffed inside. Or, if none of that was the case, a fake bottom to the hat and the rabbit is crunched inside. Then it's just a matter of making the rabbit look alive when you pull it out, which would probably be easy enough.

The trick becomes even more perplexing on the Rocky & Bullwinkle Show. Bullwinkle doesn't even pull a rabbit out, it's always something weird like a lion or a rhinoceros. I can't even imagine what kind of break-away table is underneath. Maybe mirrors are used to make it look smaller. I suppose it's possible there's some kind of camera chicanery going on, but I watch closely and don't see any noticeable edits. And I have a very sharp eye.

If I'm going to be a magician, though, there's one question I must know the answer to: Where can I get one of those top hats? I've never seen one at K-Mart or Sears.

Cary Lupino
Texarkana, AR


Dear Cary:

A magician's secret weapon? Yes, but there's much more to the top hat than that.

Top hats have been the star on the top of the fashion tree since a long time ago. For an added touch of "ooh la la" nothing says fancy motherfucker like a top hat. Taco himself once suggested if you're blue and don't know where to go to, you should go where fashion sits, puttin' on the ritz. All said while wearing a keen top hat.

Top hats are verified worldwide as the easiest hat to toss off non-chalantly onto a nearby hat rack when you come in the door. And there are no other hats in the entire galaxy that look suave with a pair of white Mickey Mouse gloves. Wearing white Mickey Mouse gloves and don't want to look like a total shmoe? Try something other than a top hat you'll appear quite the buffoon.

Top hats even add a little bit of dignity to unavoidable court appearances, and that comes straight from commune editor Red Bagel himself. Always carry one in your glove compartment or trouser pockets, assuming those pockets are big enough.

the commune would also like to thank it's proud new sponsors at Malone's Top Hat Emporium. Malone's—we know fashion and even if you know fashion we probably know just a little more than you, so listen to us.

the commune

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Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for the rash of teen movies starring female pop stars. Like everyone else, we're anxiously awaiting the return of music with balls. Garage bands of the world unite!

Volume 13
Dear commune: I got drunk last night. But wait, I'm not writing with good news. Me and my girlfriend went out to eat and I think I hit her. She shattered into a million pieces and I couldn't even see her head no more. It freaked the hell out of... (2/4/02)

Volume 12
Dear commune: I appreciate your views and your attention to the various sources of news out there. the commune is one of the finest Internet publications I've ever read, and that's not saying much. But I'm afraid I write to you with matters other... (1/21/02)

Volume 11
Dear commune: Hey, what up? Long time no see, m’man. How’s shit gone down for ya? What you do for New Year’s and all? I was getting down with some tasty honeys. Nothin’ too drastic, I get enough action I ain’t gonna exaggerate it or... (1/7/02)

Volume 10
Dear commune: It's amazing how you guys scoop all the other major news outlets. There's either a major conspiracy to cover up the news stories the commune presents or they don't use the same sources you guys do. Either way, cool job! I have to... (12/24/01)

Volume 9
Dear commune: I couldn't be more disappointed with the commune. Well, I suppose I could, if you were to say something bad about that charming young man from that show Jag. But right now I'm very upset as it is. My dog will no longer "go" on the... (12/10/01)