08/9/26
Fuck off, Canada
|  Fishing  March 4, 2002 "Old men have their fishing stories, and Sampson L. Hartwig is no exception. The best fishing story is when I was nigh 25, I went fishing with my college buddy Meadows.
Meadows was an expert fisherman, raised in a fisherman family. His father was a fisherman, his father's father was a fisherman, his father's father's father sold lingerie in Times Square, but the father of that father's father's father was a fisherman as well, so on. I had all the lures money could buy, and some I could only trade sexual favors for. Meadows had only a pack of gum. He chewed a piece, shaped the A.B.C. gum into a somewhat fish-like shape, and wrapped the silver wrapper around it. It looked sort of like a fish, I was even tempted to bite it myself. Meadows put it on a hook and tossed it into the water. 'That's all the bait you're using?' I asked him. He smiled slyly, tilted his hat down over his eyes, and nodded. I began using my high-tech lures, one after the other, and all through the day Meadows only used the gum-and-wrapper lures he made himself. Well, by the time the day was over it was quite a surprise. I had a cooler full of 33 fish, all various sizes large and small, while Meadows' cooler was full of empty beer cans and vomit. I later found out Meadows was considered quite the loser by his family of fishermen." Milestones1983: Red Bagel is thrown out of a casino for counting cards. He is not cheating, merely trying to settle a bet with a friend on how many decks the casino uses.Now HiringJames Bondian Action Hero. Must be proficient in fire arms and small mechanical gadgets with ridiculous capabilities. Responsibilities include killing unnamed lackeys and doing battle with bizarre supervillians of non-distinct European origin. Good benefits, adventure, and pussy galore.Least Popular Baby |
| 1. | Katrina |
| 2. | Gigli |
| 3. | Scott Peterson |
| 4. | The King of Pop |
| 5. | Skullfuck |
History
"My college years were plentiful with fun and new experiences. When I recall people from that time I always think of my European History professor, Mr. Carmel. 'Hartwig,' he once told me—he always called me Hartwig—'Hartwig, history is... (2/18/02)
Flood
"One year a flood hit our town, and it was among the most horrible things that ever happened. Over 20 people were killed, and I liked three of them. It made me very sad. For a week we had to camp out on the top of our house since the floodwater... (2/4/02)
Pants
"My mother insisted on buying all my clothes until I was 18, much the same way my father cut my hair in order to prevent shagginess and the use of pomade, which he called 'Satan's lubricant.' Shopping with my mother was even worse, especially... (1/21/02)
"My college years were plentiful with fun and new experiences. When I recall people from that time I always think of my European History professor, Mr. Carmel. 'Hartwig,' he once told me—he always called me Hartwig—'Hartwig, history is... (2/18/02)
Flood
"One year a flood hit our town, and it was among the most horrible things that ever happened. Over 20 people were killed, and I liked three of them. It made me very sad. For a week we had to camp out on the top of our house since the floodwater... (2/4/02)
Pants
"My mother insisted on buying all my clothes until I was 18, much the same way my father cut my hair in order to prevent shagginess and the use of pomade, which he called 'Satan's lubricant.' Shopping with my mother was even worse, especially... (1/21/02)
Reproduction in hole or in parts without permission is likely to piss off her dad big time.