Pants

January 21, 2002

"My mother insisted on buying all my clothes until I was 18, much the same way my father cut my hair in order to prevent shagginess and the use of pomade, which he called 'Satan's lubricant.'

Shopping with my mother was even worse, especially when we had to shop for pants. She would pick out very unfashionable courderoy or canvas pants and made me try on every pair, even the same brands that were the same size as those I just tried on.

I would have to come out and walk around the store in each pair, first in shoes, then barefoot to make sure there was no discrepancy because of the shoes. She would then tug at the pants here and there and invariably say they were extremely baggy in the crotch. She would yell to everyone in the store, 'These are very baggy in the crotch. Do you have these in the same size with a much smaller crotch?'

It was very embarrassing and hard to forgive in those days, but as I grow older I'm able to look back and laugh at the foibles of those mother-son pants shopping trips.

I must say, however, I'm still not able to fondly recall the one instance we shopped for condoms together. I don't think I ever will."

Milestones

1750: Antonio Salieri, second-rate composer and eternal inspiration to the commune. His alleged murder of Mozart, as portrayed in Amadeus, forever encourages us in our war with Crochet! magazine.

Now Hiring

Stepchild. Just sit around and eat and drink me out of house and home without ever raising a finger. Hey, I'm talking to you, you little shit. There ain't no law says I got to be nice to you just 'cause I'm knocking boots with your mom.

Top Things Overheard at Your High School Reunion

1.	"Oh My Godâ€”you haven't changed your clothes a bit!"
2.	"I haven't seen you since the date rape."
3.	"Man, were you right about Dishwalla. One-hit wonders."
4.	"Best friends 4-ever, my ass! Where were you at the trial, motherfucker?!?"
5.	"That guy used to be a real dick. Don't let that priest outfit fool you."
6.	"You still owe me four push-ups, wiseguyâ€”don't think I've forgotten."
7.	"Want to dance with me, Charlie? Or is it Charlene now?"
8.	"The old gymnasium still smells like burned fleshâ€”what memories!"
9.	"So tell me why we needed to learn proofs again?"
10.	"Mr. 'Most Likely to Succeed' came into Denny's last night for an application. Revenge, like our soup, is best served cold."

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