Pants

January 21, 2002

"My mother insisted on buying all my clothes until I was 18, much the same way my father cut my hair in order to prevent shagginess and the use of pomade, which he called 'Satan's lubricant.'

Shopping with my mother was even worse, especially when we had to shop for pants. She would pick out very unfashionable courderoy or canvas pants and made me try on every pair, even the same brands that were the same size as those I just tried on.

I would have to come out and walk around the store in each pair, first in shoes, then barefoot to make sure there was no discrepancy because of the shoes. She would then tug at the pants here and there and invariably say they were extremely baggy in the crotch. She would yell to everyone in the store, 'These are very baggy in the crotch. Do you have these in the same size with a much smaller crotch?'

It was very embarrassing and hard to forgive in those days, but as I grow older I'm able to look back and laugh at the foibles of those mother-son pants shopping trips.

I must say, however, I'm still not able to fondly recall the one instance we shopped for condoms together. I don't think I ever will."

Milestones

1978: Griswald Dreck's landmark third grade report "George Washington: Star of the Negro Leagues" creates a fervor in the classroom, leading to the firing of third grade teacher Anais Brockmiller and a thorough review of the state's history textbooks.

Now Hiring

Eunuch. No job really, just sit around and answer questions about what it's like to be a eunuch. Maybe take a blow to the groin to no effect every once in a while to impress office visitors and guests. Talking in a Mickey Mouse voice might be kinda funny too.

Worst-Selling Wireless Devices

1.	Sir Flush-a-Lot
2.	The SpayMaster
3.	"Look Ma, No Hands" Harpoon Gift Set
4.	Salad Euthanizer
5.	The Mysterious Ouijigenie

Airplane
"I remember it just like it was yesterday, the summer that my brother Goose and I spent trying to build our own airplane. We had it on good authority that none other than the Great Gildersleeve himself would be making a public appearance in St Louis... (1/7/02)

Christmas
"Every Christmas was the same thing at my house. Us kids hung up our socks by the chimney, except for Goose, who was not allowed to post socks anymore due to that court order from the neighborhood block association. Dad would dress up as Santa... (12/24/01)

Moon
"In the glory days of childhood I could sit for hours and stare up at the sky, provided it was dark. I would count the stars, lose count, start over from scratch, lose count again, swear very loudly, give up, and just look at the moon. An... (12/10/01)