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09/13/25   
Made almost entirely of buffalo

Pants

bio/email
January 21, 2002
"My mother insisted on buying all my clothes until I was 18, much the same way my father cut my hair in order to prevent shagginess and the use of pomade, which he called 'Satan's lubricant.'

Shopping with my mother was even worse, especially when we had to shop for pants. She would pick out very unfashionable courderoy or canvas pants and made me try on every pair, even the same brands that were the same size as those I just tried on.

I would have to come out and walk around the store in each pair, first in shoes, then barefoot to make sure there was no discrepancy because of the shoes. She would then tug at the pants here and there and invariably say they were extremely baggy in the crotch. She would yell to everyone in the store, 'These are very baggy in the crotch. Do you have these in the same size with a much smaller crotch?'

It was very embarrassing and hard to forgive in those days, but as I grow older I'm able to look back and laugh at the foibles of those mother-son pants shopping trips.

I must say, however, I'm still not able to fondly recall the one instance we shopped for condoms together. I don't think I ever will."


Quote of the Day
“Give me liberty or give me something better, and kick it in the ass this time, I'm late already.”

-Henry Patrick Wells
Fortune 500 Cookie
You will finally get that monkey off your back, but the tattoo removal fees will cripple your already weak home dog-waxing business. Try parting your hair on the left this week. Couldn't hurt. Look out for people dressed in blue. Nobody likes you.


Try again later.
5 Phrases Guaranteed to Get You Slapped
1.My testicles feel funny. Do they feel funny to you?
2.You're very pretty. For a man, I mean.
3.Why don't you go back to the kitchen and sit on this egg until it's hatched, bitch.
4.If anyone wants to suck my cock, laugh awkwardly.
5.Our greatest mistake as a country was fighting to keep Texas (Texas only)
Archives
Airplane
"I remember it just like it was yesterday, the summer that my brother Goose and I spent trying to build our own airplane. We had it on good authority that none other than the Great Gildersleeve himself would be making a public appearance in St Louis... (1/7/02)

Christmas
"Every Christmas was the same thing at my house. Us kids hung up our socks by the chimney, except for Goose, who was not allowed to post socks anymore due to that court order from the neighborhood block association. Dad would dress up as Santa... (12/24/01)

Moon
"In the glory days of childhood I could sit for hours and stare up at the sky, provided it was dark. I would count the stars, lose count, start over from scratch, lose count again, swear very loudly, give up, and just look at the moon. An... (12/10/01)

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