ith the Tuesday release of actress Claire Danes' book, My So-Called Sex Life a new wave of attention has been focused on the damage young actor and possible space creature Leonardo DiCaprio is doing to the lives of Hollywood's young actresses. When this reporter spoke recently with Danes, she was in a near-catatonic state.

 "I just want everybody to know that Leo and I didn't DO anything on the set of Romeo and Juliet. We were just in the same movie together. Hell, most of our scenes were filmed separately, it was all camera tricks that made it seem like we were in bed together, I swear! Somebody, please sleep with me!" said Danes, bursting into tears.

This pitiful scene is being repeated all across Tinseltown as young actresses who've shared the screen with DiCaprio find that men now fear to touch them. Some even cross the street to avoid them, sometimes against swift traffic. This reaction seems to be genetically ingrained in the male sex, an unspoken knowledge that something is not quite right with the young actor, and that even the slightest contact with him leaves a woman strictly undateable. This Curse has extended even to girls who sat in the same classroom with DiCaprio in grade school and singer Alanis Morissette, who once stated in an interview that her astrological sign was Leo.

Most women seem to be strangely immune to DiCaprio's nauseating effects. Some even claim to find him attractive, a tendency that baffles psychologists and medical doctors alike.

"It is my professional opinion that DiCaprio exudes toxic pheromones from tiny ducts behind his ears," noted neurologist P. William Clydesdale commented on the phenomenon. "These pheromones act to confuse the female's neurological systems, resulting in a dizzy sense of confusion and impaired reasoning. As to why these pheromones do not effect the males of the species, my educated guess is that the average male's desire to pop DiCaprio's head like a blister results in increased levels of endorphins in the blood stream, which counteracts the pheromones."

An accurate assessment of how many young careers have been ruined by the Curse of DiCaprio cannot be made, since County health officials have been unable to find any male subjects who can name any films other than Titanic in which DiCaprio has appeared.

DiCaprio's co-star in Titanic, actress Kate Winslet, was very direct when asked how the Curse has effected her career: "No talk. Eat now."

There is a bright hope on the horizon, however. Recent reports have indicated that actress Chloe Svengali is the first documented female to be immune to DiCaprio's insidious pheromones. She has vowed publicly to track down all actresses in upcoming DiCaprio projects, in an effort to warn them before they make any terrible mistakes.

ASA scientists met with a crack team of cultural anthropologists in New York today to discuss the trend of 1980's revivalism, a fad now determined to be a serious threat to the survival of the human race if not brought under control within the next seven years.

"I'd say we've got five years, seven at the outside, before we devolve into marrow-eating cave people once again. Should this trend continue unchecked at it's current rate, the human race is whipped, and whipped good," commented Daniel Furgelman, cultural director for the Smithsonian Institute.

"And if I hear 'Come On Eileen' one more time, I'm going to fucking puke," added Furgelman.

Spin Magazine columnist Kirk Jaded explains the phenomenon:

"It started, of course, with the 80's themselves. The culture of the day was not a threat at the time since it was confined safely to the actual decade of the 1980's. Only later, in the mid-90's, with the advent of Rhino Records' "Awesome 80's" CD collection, did the cultural zeitgeist begin to pull a massive U-turn and head back to it's unfortunate past. Cover versions of 80's standards by irresponsible alternative groups like Save Ferris, Marilyn Manson, Hole and Reel Big Fish only compounded the problem, fooling an entire generation of young music fans into thinking that the 80's were actually, as the youth are fond of saying, 'cool'. This has sounded a death knoll for one of the greatest civilizations ever to walk the face of the earth."

Today's meeting of the CFGOI (The Committee to Fucking Get On With It) was to act as a think-tank to develop means of turning around the current trend. Demonstrators picketed in front of the Committee's headquarters, most of whom admitted to being VH1 stockholders. Documented proposals included Public Service Announcements from prominent 80's figures like Kirk Cameron and Howard Jones to warn kids of the dangers of thinking the 80's were cool, the silencing of Mexican radio and constant airings of the television programs "Mama's Family" and "Small Wonder" in America's classrooms.

"Education is the key," stated Manley Farber, the committee's loudmouth. "If we bring enough kids into actual contact with Boy George, we may just have this thing licked."

Dear commune:

You boys is ate up. I read your shit all the time 'cause I know it's know or be knowed in this universe. You know?

My favorite parts is the music reviews where you tell it like it is. Whitney Houston ain't released a good album since before the motorcycle accident in '66. She can still rock okay, but she'll never top her glory days of the Synchronicity Tour. Fuckin A.

I have a problem with your shit, though. Where's the horoscopes? I think there should be horoscopes. If there's one thing I hate it's having no one to blame for my shitty life.

Well, I gotta go. The warden's calling lights out. That guy's a big prick. He says he knows nothin bout all the raping but he's right there watching it. Man, do you get raped in prison.

Speaking of which, here comes Big Henry Brown. I'll see you later. Keep writin and I'll keep reading! Damn!

R.P. McDaniels
Scales, AL

---

Dear commune:

I just don't feel like this is going to work out. I'm sorry to break it to you like this, but I knew if I give myself the chance to back out I'd take it. Because there's still something there. But I can't let that get in the way, I know it's over. I need to make a clean break.

It's not you. You're great. It's me. I'm the kind of person who needs structure. The kind I need is the kind you can't provide. But I can't ask you to change-that wouldn't be fair to you. And all those things that are the problem now are what made me love you in the first place.

I can't tell you any more, I'm starting to tear up. Don't try to contact me, it'll make things harder. If you need to, give all my CDs and clothes to Rick. I'll be staying at his place.

Don't ever change. You'll always be the one I left.

Love,

Vicki Koslowski


Dear Vicki:

We should note to you that the commune is a website. We aim to provide the finest source of alternative news and counter-culture points of view, as well as topical commentary of unpopular opinions. This is not the first time this mistake has been made by readers; we seek to help make this distinction clearer in the future.

We also wish to add: You're afraid of commitment. Don't bullshit us. It isn't us, no fuck, we know that. We treat you like a queen and it's never good enough. Fuck this insane bullshit. You're afraid to be loved. You won't let us get close. Your dad left your mother and she left her next two husbands. It's the only kind of love you know. You need to trust someone and believe they love you. But that isn't going to be us. We can't wait all our lives for you to "decide" we're good for you. We hope you find that love, but not with us, sister.

We can't pretend not to be hurt. You're goddamn right it's painful. We loved you like you'll never fucking know. We're trying to be nice about it, but there is some part of us that hopes you'll fucking choke to death.

the commune

---

Dear commune:

The jackals of society are feasting upon our souls right now. The commercialization of each and every individual at the hands of the corporate phantoms is not a vicious torture like electric current applied to the genitals. It is in fact the slow bleeding of society's humanity, a stealing of essence so subtle as to be hardly noticeable. But I notice. And I react.

It is my mission to reveal the horrible robbery of our spirit as a nation to the hypnotized masses. I've tried in the past to inform the public of this nightmare, but they are distracted by the Baywatches and Urkels of the world. The airwaves are filled with tripe meant to keep them occupied and not notice the hands in their pockets and the fangs in their arteries. So I'm afraid I must resort to more violent means.

Intelligent information doesn't hold attention alone. Nor do heartfelt please; so now I am forced to grab attention through violence.

I will continue to present my manifestos to such outlets as the commune, that are truly hard-up for news and filler space that letters can provide. If the commune refuses to print any further chapters in my manifesto, I will thoroughly BEAT UP A HOBO for every week my manifesto is unread. I do not seek to cause pain. I do not like violence. It is my only outlet in a world controlled by power brokers and corporate monsters.

Nor do I hate hobos. I feel they are the scuzzy bloodline of America. But my ends will justify these means. I mean to return America to its glory days. Also, hobos are much easier to find unarmed and asleep, making for easy victims. I am not a large man. Again, nothing personal, hobos.

Heed my warning, America! Your hobos are at stake!

The Hobobeater

---

Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for the content of letters or opinions expressed therein. The wacky inbred illiterate fringes of society are responsible, though we have to admit some part in calling our readers "wacky inbred illiterate fringes of society." Let's just call the whole thing even, 'kay?

º Last Column: Volume 1
º more columns