ith the Tuesday release of actress Claire Danes' book, My So-Called Sex Life a new wave of attention has been focused on the damage young actor and possible space creature Leonardo DiCaprio is doing to the lives of Hollywood's young actresses. When this reporter spoke recently with Danes, she was in a near-catatonic state.

 "I just want everybody to know that Leo and I didn't DO anything on the set of Romeo and Juliet. We were just in the same movie together. Hell, most of our scenes were filmed separately, it was all camera tricks that made it seem like we were in bed together, I swear! Somebody, please sleep with me!" said Danes, bursting into tears.

This pitiful scene is being repeated all across Tinseltown as young actresses who've shared the screen with DiCaprio find that men now fear to touch them. Some even cross the street to avoid them, sometimes against swift traffic. This reaction seems to be genetically ingrained in the male sex, an unspoken knowledge that something is not quite right with the young actor, and that even the slightest contact with him leaves a woman strictly undateable. This Curse has extended even to girls who sat in the same classroom with DiCaprio in grade school and singer Alanis Morissette, who once stated in an interview that her astrological sign was Leo.

Most women seem to be strangely immune to DiCaprio's nauseating effects. Some even claim to find him attractive, a tendency that baffles psychologists and medical doctors alike.

"It is my professional opinion that DiCaprio exudes toxic pheromones from tiny ducts behind his ears," noted neurologist P. William Clydesdale commented on the phenomenon. "These pheromones act to confuse the female's neurological systems, resulting in a dizzy sense of confusion and impaired reasoning. As to why these pheromones do not effect the males of the species, my educated guess is that the average male's desire to pop DiCaprio's head like a blister results in increased levels of endorphins in the blood stream, which counteracts the pheromones."

An accurate assessment of how many young careers have been ruined by the Curse of DiCaprio cannot be made, since County health officials have been unable to find any male subjects who can name any films other than Titanic in which DiCaprio has appeared.

DiCaprio's co-star in Titanic, actress Kate Winslet, was very direct when asked how the Curse has effected her career: "No talk. Eat now."

There is a bright hope on the horizon, however. Recent reports have indicated that actress Chloe Svengali is the first documented female to be immune to DiCaprio's insidious pheromones. She has vowed publicly to track down all actresses in upcoming DiCaprio projects, in an effort to warn them before they make any terrible mistakes.

ASA scientists met with a crack team of cultural anthropologists in New York today to discuss the trend of 1980's revivalism, a fad now determined to be a serious threat to the survival of the human race if not brought under control within the next seven years.

"I'd say we've got five years, seven at the outside, before we devolve into marrow-eating cave people once again. Should this trend continue unchecked at it's current rate, the human race is whipped, and whipped good," commented Daniel Furgelman, cultural director for the Smithsonian Institute.

"And if I hear 'Come On Eileen' one more time, I'm going to fucking puke," added Furgelman.

Spin Magazine columnist Kirk Jaded explains the phenomenon:

"It started, of course, with the 80's themselves. The culture of the day was not a threat at the time since it was confined safely to the actual decade of the 1980's. Only later, in the mid-90's, with the advent of Rhino Records' "Awesome 80's" CD collection, did the cultural zeitgeist begin to pull a massive U-turn and head back to it's unfortunate past. Cover versions of 80's standards by irresponsible alternative groups like Save Ferris, Marilyn Manson, Hole and Reel Big Fish only compounded the problem, fooling an entire generation of young music fans into thinking that the 80's were actually, as the youth are fond of saying, 'cool'. This has sounded a death knoll for one of the greatest civilizations ever to walk the face of the earth."

Today's meeting of the CFGOI (The Committee to Fucking Get On With It) was to act as a think-tank to develop means of turning around the current trend. Demonstrators picketed in front of the Committee's headquarters, most of whom admitted to being VH1 stockholders. Documented proposals included Public Service Announcements from prominent 80's figures like Kirk Cameron and Howard Jones to warn kids of the dangers of thinking the 80's were cool, the silencing of Mexican radio and constant airings of the television programs "Mama's Family" and "Small Wonder" in America's classrooms.

"Education is the key," stated Manley Farber, the committee's loudmouth. "If we bring enough kids into actual contact with Boy George, we may just have this thing licked."

It's a day that will live in infancy forever and never, that damnable day the Kaiser gunned down ol' JFK. Who doesn't remember where they were the moment they got that news? Simpletons and little kids, 'cause they don't remember nuthin.

Ned remembers it like it was the third Tuesday of last month. It was the marrow-time, and the Swedes was hangin' in the trees like so much costume jewelry. This was back in the day when you could still stop at Uncle Otterbock's corner store and get a tube of Squeeze Bees to rub on your teeth for charm. Mashed yellowjackets make one highly magnetic, it's best to recall.

Back in them days Ned sailed the seven seas in a tin record player cabinet, the Victrola she was christened. At night the sweet high singing of the homesick weasels would carry Ned back to friendly ports on their drooping harmonies. These were the days, before Ned tried to walk across the ocean wearing giant-spring shoes and got himself blacklisted. These were the years when Ned would spend his days teaching the sky Portuguese and his nights pruning the stars with long-handled shears.

But then the Kaiser had to come and screw it all up with his jab-jabberin' about no taxation without relaxation and no beans without weenies and you know none of this jaw-flappin' struck JFK the right way. So he had to do what had to be done and he had that Kaiser stripped naked, dipped in hot tar, covered in penguin feathers and sold to a zoo in the Philippines.

Now granted, keep in mind that none of us at that time were opposed to this seemingly harsh treatment. Everyone was fed up with the Kaiser's tricks, from sleepin' with his shoes on to tryin to bake blackbirds in a pie. We figured he got what was comin' to him.

We were all taken by surprise though, when six months later, at JFK's Superbowl party, when that Kaiser popped up out of the cheese log like an appetizer from hell and gave JFK a shot in the nose with one of them guns that shoots the cork on a string. Some argue that JFK was surprised as well, and right they might be, 'cause at that moment he belched a surprised little belch and dropped dead of a heart attack right there on the presidential "touchdown boogie" rug.

That Kaiser was up to his old tricks again, only this time he robbed the country of a great leader, and Ned Nedmiller of probably his only chance to get that "touchdown boogie" rug. So let it be said for all to hear, that the Kaiser owes Ned a football-shaped rug, and until such a day as this is delivered, the Kaiser is not allowed to use Ned's sandwich griller, never again. Thank you.

º Last Column:
º more columns