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80's Revival Threatens Future of CivilizationHumanity screwed, sez scientists June 12, 2001 |
VH1 stockholders protest findings
"I'd say we've got five years, seven at the outside, before we devolve into marrow-eating cave people once again. Should this trend continue unchecked at it's current rate, the human race is whipped, and whipped good," commented Daniel Furgelman, cultural director for the Smithsonian Institute.
"And if I hear 'Come On Eileen' one more time, I'm going to fucking puke," added Furgelman.
Spin Magazine columnist Kirk Jaded explains the phenomenon:
"It started, of course, with the 80's ...
ASA scientists met with a crack team of cultural anthropologists in New York today to discuss the trend of 1980's revivalism, a fad now determined to be a serious threat to the survival of the human race if not brought under control within the next seven years. "I'd say we've got five years, seven at the outside, before we devolve into marrow-eating cave people once again. Should this trend continue unchecked at it's current rate, the human race is whipped, and whipped good," commented Daniel Furgelman, cultural director for the Smithsonian Institute. "And if I hear 'Come On Eileen' one more time, I'm going to fucking puke," added Furgelman. Spin Magazine columnist Kirk Jaded explains the phenomenon: "It started, of course, with the 80's themselves. The culture of the day was not a threat at the time since it was confined safely to the actual decade of the 1980's. Only later, in the mid-90's, with the advent of Rhino Records' "Awesome 80's" CD collection, did the cultural zeitgeist begin to pull a massive U-turn and head back to it's unfortunate past. Cover versions of 80's standards by irresponsible alternative groups like Save Ferris, Marilyn Manson, Hole and Reel Big Fish only compounded the problem, fooling an entire generation of young music fans into thinking that the 80's were actually, as the youth are fond of saying, 'cool'. This has sounded a death knoll for one of the greatest civilizations ever to walk the face of the earth." Today's meeting of the CFGOI ( The Committee to Fucking Get On With It) was to act as a think-tank to develop means of turning around the current trend. Demonstrators picketed in front of the Committee's headquarters, most of whom admitted to being VH1 stockholders. Documented proposals included Public Service Announcements from prominent 80's figures like Kirk Cameron and Howard Jones to warn kids of the dangers of thinking the 80's were cool, the silencing of Mexican radio and constant airings of the television programs "Mama's Family" and "Small Wonder" in America's classrooms. "Education is the key," stated Manley Farber, the committee's loudmouth. "If we bring enough kids into actual contact with Boy George, we may just have this thing licked." the commune News would like to thank Andy Rooney for confining himself to 60 Minutes and therefore being rather easy to avoid. Mary Contrary is the commune's gardening editor and leading expert on silver bells and cockleshells.
 | Beverly Hills Demands $47 Billion in Federal AidBlighted neighborhoods in need of renewal May 6, 2001 |
Beverly Hills, CA Chuck Aduk Beverly Hills residents rooting in their own filth
"It's really sad what's become of our once-prestigious community. Hardly a day goes by that I don't see scores of former child stars sitting on their lawns, drinking 40 oz wine spritzers while daydreaming about the time Solest Moon Frye came to their pool party in the eighth grade. And it's getting awfully hard to keep Scott Baio from stealing the emeralds out of my pool filter! Our neighborhoods are truly in decline. Why, just the other day I saw Tom Berringer driving an American car! Yes I did!"
Washington legislators could not be reached ...
n an impassioned plea to Washington legislators today, spokespeople for the commonwealth of Beverly Hills announced the need for federal aid to help rejuvenate their blighted neighborhoods. Spokesperson Corkey Wells commented: "It's really sad what's become of our once-prestigious community. Hardly a day goes by that I don't see scores of former child stars sitting on their lawns, drinking 40 oz wine spritzers while daydreaming about the time Solest Moon Frye came to their pool party in the eighth grade. And it's getting awfully hard to keep Scott Baio from stealing the emeralds out of my pool filter! Our neighborhoods are truly in decline. Why, just the other day I saw Tom Berringer driving an American car! Yes I did!" Washington legislators could not be reached for a stag party. I mean, comment. Screw this. Dirk Silverback is the commune's resident large-bore riflery expert and the man who knows 37 ways to eat a Cup 'O Noodles.
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 June 15, 2001 I Will Destroy the People Living in My Trashthe commune's Rok Finger addresses the sensitive topic of homelessness As some of you may know, I'm now at war with the people who live in my trash. This is nothing unexpected, nor is it anything new. For years the people living in my trash have been casually testing the boundaries and pushing the envelope; now they've finally pushes Rokwell T. Finger too far.
It started innocently enough. I found people living in my trash—this was around 1967—and was at first a little startled, alarmed, and even disturbed about it. Was it due to society's injustice or the imbalances in our distribution of wealth? Fortunately, soon after I turned Republican and realized the smarmy people live in my trash because they want to. This solved my immediate moral dilemma, but the fact was I still had people living in my trash and it wasn't too appealing a thought....
º Last Column: The Joker
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As some of you may know, I'm now at war with the people who live in my trash. This is nothing unexpected, nor is it anything new. For years the people living in my trash have been casually testing the boundaries and pushing the envelope; now they've finally pushes Rokwell T. Finger too far. It started innocently enough. I found people living in my trash—this was around 1967—and was at first a little startled, alarmed, and even disturbed about it. Was it due to society's injustice or the imbalances in our distribution of wealth? Fortunately, soon after I turned Republican and realized the smarmy people live in my trash because they want to. This solved my immediate moral dilemma, but the fact was I still had people living in my trash and it wasn't too appealing a thought. Over the years I've tried everything. I offered to get them a hotel room; drive them to the dump where there was a megalopolis of refuse to inhabit; I even fixed up my neighbor's trash with gift baskets and other tempting items, all to no avail. These people were particularly fond of my trash. The '80s became a real trial, and for a while I thought I was winning the war—one of them even passed away, leaving only three men and a woman living in my garbage. But as the '80s progressed they only seemed to irritate me more, feathering their hair with my mousse and watching through the window as I watched such delightful television staples as "ALF," and "Cheers," and "We've Got it Maid." These bums were pushing me! Through the '90s they mellowed out some, except for that harsh period where grunge was popular, where they seemed to multiply into dozens of trash-dwelling people. But when that was over with, they were back to the three men, though the woman disappeared, perhaps gone on to follow the Dead or become a biker's mama or some such counterculture schtick. But last weekend we got off to a bad start for the new century as several items from my personal belongings turned up missing, including a pair of shoes, a camel tweed jacket, and a Kiss T-shirt that's particularly valuable to me now that it's a collector's item. On top of that, a new company has taken over the trash pickup and they refuse to pick up refuse while people dwell in it! And of course, the homeless aren't worried about it all, laughing it up like a Sunday brunch. And yesterday morning, I spied on them while they slept and—wouldn't you know what one of them seems to have found? A camel tweed jacket! I'm not kidding, good people. All I await is evidence they have my prized Peter Criss T-shirt and I'm going to go apeshit on these vagrants. You watch. This will be an explosion and Rok Finger will come out untouched. After thirty-three years, I'd say we're due. I have to go—one of them is peeing on my cat. I'll keep you updated. º Last Column: The Jokerº more columns | 
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Quote of the Day“Even the smallest man among us can accomplish truly great things. And when it's over, it takes less beer for him to get drunk. That is truly great.”
-Leonard Rutland, Professional Drinking FishermanFortune 500 CookieWhat are you keeping that scab for? Throw that thing away already, for Christ's sake. Too many cooks spoil the broth, and so does putting sun-dried mayonnaise in it. Remember when dad told you you'd one day do something great? You will this week—remember he said that, that is.
Try again later.Top Things Overheard at Your High School Reunion| 1. | "Oh My God—you haven't changed your clothes a bit!" | | 2. | "I haven't seen you since the date rape." | | 3. | "Man, were you right about Dishwalla. One-hit wonders." | | 4. | "Best friends 4-ever, my ass! Where were you at the trial, motherfucker?!?" | | 5. | "That guy used to be a real dick. Don't let that priest outfit fool you." | | 6. | "You still owe me four push-ups, wiseguy—don't think I've forgotten." | | 7. | "Want to dance with me, Charlie? Or is it Charlene now?" | | 8. | "The old gymnasium still smells like burned flesh—what memories!" | | 9. | "So tell me why we needed to learn proofs again?" | | 10. | "Mr. 'Most Likely to Succeed' came into Denny's last night for an application. Revenge, like our soup, is best served cold." | |
|   Local Crackpot Lobbies For Unisex Restrooms BY roland mcshyster 1/1/2001 Good to see you, America! How have you been? Come to think of it, where have you been? If I had to judge by my recent trips to see such blockbusters as Lost Souls and Battlefield: Earth, I'd think moviegoers had gone on strike or something! Let's see a little hussle out there, folks! They can't keep bringing us the magic if we're just going to sit at home watching "Sex in the Cindy" or MASH, now can they?
In Theaters Now:
Almost Fabulous
The hit British TV show hits the big screen with this story of an aspiring young SNL writer who follows Chris Farley on a cross-country expedition. Along the way he learns the true meaning of love, and also how to fall down a lot. Meanwhile, his mom a...
Good to see you, America! How have you been? Come to think of it, where have you been? If I had to judge by my recent trips to see such blockbusters as Lost Souls and Battlefield: Earth, I'd think moviegoers had gone on strike or something! Let's see a little hussle out there, folks! They can't keep bringing us the magic if we're just going to sit at home watching "Sex in the Cindy" or MASH, now can they?
In Theaters Now:
Almost Fabulous
The hit British TV show hits the big screen with this story of an aspiring young SNL writer who follows Chris Farley on a cross-country expedition. Along the way he learns the true meaning of love, and also how to fall down a lot. Meanwhile, his mom and her best friend do a lot of coke and go skiing. Trust me, it's funny in an "English" kind of way.
Beboozled
Spike Lee finally goes the Eddie Murphy route and and becomes a white man (with some help from special effects magician Jim Bakker) who says some funny things in Spanish. Martin Lawrence is a stitch as the sexy she-devil who tricks Lee into trading his soul for the key to Bill Cosby's vault of "Our Gang" episodes. This is a probing social critique about how hard it is to be a black person wearing a rubber white person suit in America today.
The Legend of Bagger Vance
Tom Cruise and Adam Curry star in this inspiring tale of the grocery store bagger who rose above his humble aisle-mopping beginnings to dethrone his nemesis as the quickest bread-loaf masher in three counties. The rumor mill has it that Cruise really became a meth fiend to add authenticity to Vance's pre-shift crank sessions in the front seat of his Camaro.
Requiem for a Dreamcast
Toy Story and The Brave Little Toaster meet in this kid pleaser about a young boy's obsolete video game systems coping with the threat of a new Playstation 2 in their bedroom. When the chips are down, these clunkers prove that what they lack in vector units and rastar conversion they more than make up for in heart, gumption, semi-functional light guns and somewhat dangerous cords that were chewed by the dog. By the end, little Billy comes to realize that newer isn't always better, and that old Genesis is still good for propping open the back door when his dog doesn't come home one night.
The Watcher
This harrowing tale of weight loss mixes Atom Egoyan's confrontational style with Mike Meyers' taste for the macabre. The result is as gripping as it is placid. A must-see for anyone who's ever made their weight-loss shake with Chunky Monkey and a Skor bar, this pot-boiler's got it's Oscar shoes on!
Now on Video:
Committed
Can Heather Graham (with chest midgets in tow) keep this bickering Irish pub band together and pull them back from the brink of disintigration on the eve of their greatest success? Nope.
Drowning Boner
Looking to escape the pressures of superstardom, former "Growing Pains" star Andrew Koenig moves to the small town of Small Hampton, New Hampshire and starts a lawn care service called "Stabone's Stones". His welcome wears thin, however, after the locals tire of his continual public outbursts of "Don't you REMEMBER me? I'm Boner!" and eventually one of them does him in via a suspicious turnstile "accident". Always compelling, whether he's playing the imposing Godfather in "The Godfather" or the mob's psychotic muscle midget in "Goodfellas", Danny DeVito is gripping as the local sheriff grasping at straws to unravel this mystery.
Reindeer Games
Aiming to be the Grinch Who Stole Christmas Box-Office from the upcoming James Cagney vehicle "The Grinch", this Christmastime treat features red-hot comedian Howie Mandel (and a team of Silicon Valley effects technicians) as everyone's favorite red-nosed reindeer, Rudy! This time though, Rudy's story has a 90's twist, and some cursing! Will this effort continue Mandel's can't-miss streak even further? In a word: Maybe. Co-starring Charlize Theron as Ashley Judd.
Snow Day
Don't call it a comeback, because this Canadian reggae-rapping teen sensation has been here for years. Now Snow's ready to inform us in his big-screen debut, and your mother has most definitely been given word. When aliens from deep space invade earth and smoke the president in a giant doobie, it's up to our hero to confound them with his indecypherable rhymes and crush them under truck-loads of bargain-bin copies of his debut CD, "12 Inches of Snow". Not since Brian Bosworth has a newcomer lit up the screen quite like this.
Terms of Engagement
Never before has a film been a more perfect hybrid of two winning formulas than this meld of Father of the Bride and Terms of Endearment. Steve Allen reprises his role here hilariously as the nervous father presiding over his gay son's first wedding. Tommy Anderson-Lee and Samuel Taylor Coleridge upstage the screen as the interracial gay couple who just can't seem to decide on a china pattern, with touching results.
Join us again next month when we take a look at the cultural wonders awaiting us behind the iron curtain, with Russian classics such as Ãøÿ and ߶ðœ©! Keep an eye open for more exciting foreign releases like "Rugrats in Paris" and "Little Nicky", too! Bon Voyage, Amigos!   |
