Gore Petitions Supreme Court: "BULLSHIT!"

Gore pleads in vain to have election declared "Bullshit!"

December 14, 2000

Washington, D.C.

Mac Tiggly/AP

Vice President Al Gore

he presidential election of 2000 now clearly decided in favor of George W. Bush, Vice President Al Gore pleaded in vain for the Supreme Court to declare the election "Bullshit!"

"You know it, the American people know it, who are you kidding?" Gore stated in a formal request before the Supreme Court. "I believe the American people have spoken, and though a clear mandate has not been issued, I am willing to accept the appointment of George W. Bush as our next President. I only ask of you--come on!"

The declaration of "Bullshit!," though it would not affect the outcome of the election at all, would reportedly ease the mind of Gore and Gore supporters and Democrats of the nation as a whole.

"You know it's bullshit," Gore told the Supreme Court. "Now you owe it to your conscience, and to the American people, to make it a matter of public record."

Gore, who is the only presidential candidate of the twentieth century to win the popular vote and lose the election in the electoral college, is being called a "sore loser" by Republican party officials and several bumperstickers on worn-down Ford pickups.

"This is just another case of a hen staying in the coop long after the rooster done got gone," President-Elect Bush mused, sitting on the porch in a rocking chair in shit-smattered overalls with a large piece of straw in his mouth. Bush mopped his forehead with a greasy bandana and added, "Show's over, fella. Time to pack up and let me be president. There's always another 'lection in six years."

Without a clear majority of the voting population behind him, the W. Bush presidency already stands on shakey ground. A declaration of "bullshit!" would put an even darker cloud over the incoming hillbilly.

"It is not the nature, nor the duty of the Supreme Court to call bullshit bullshit," stated Chief Justice William Rhenquist, believed to be responsible for major bullshit himself. "It is an issue for the American people. We amongst the Court can not even agree ourselves, who are we to declare? O'Connor says it's horseshit; Breyer claims it's made him apeshit." Rhenquist then excused himself to the Supreme Court chambers, where Clarence Thomas was being forced to dance for nickels.

The Supreme Court is expected to hand down an official ruling within the next week, although the decision is already being described as "fucked up."

Red Bagel is the commune's fearless news editor and unabashed window shopper. Ramon Nootles is not fucking around with you, got it?

Shooting Turns Comic When Bumbling Teens Shoot Each Other in Hilarious Double-Homicide Hi-Jinks

Witnesses: "(It was) just too damn funny."

August 20, 2000

Mattawusk, ME

Junior Bacon

The teens involved were once breastfed

high school lunch room in Mattawusk, Maine got downright goofy Monday when two teen-agers killed each other in an accidental double-homicide called by witnesses, "Just too damn funny."

The two teenagers, Rupert Harvey and D. Johnny Watkins, two seniors described as "Prime wedgie material" by athletes across the school, were popular victims of practical jokes and teasing for being so unpopular. As convoluted as that statement may sound, one thing was clear--with Harvey and Watkins, sooner or later, something was going to break. Who knew it would be our funny bones?

"They came in and Watkins told everybody, 'Get down!'" said senior and witness Glenda Berman. "At which point Harvey just started to dance, doing the Running Man and then Cabbage-patching. It was so fucking funny I nearly choked. Then Watkins smacked him with his sailor hat."

Watkins, apparently the smarter of the duo, then told everybody they would die for their cruelty, at which point Watkins tried to fire the gun but the safety was on. He looked down the barrel, according to junior Darryl Hardin, who said he could barely contain his laughter since he could guess what would happen next.

"Sure enough," Hardin said, "Watkins blew his own damn head off. That shit was hilarious, I was howling for minutes. It was like Looney Tunes or something. I halfway expected the gun to say 'Acme' on it."

It was at that point, witnesses said, Harvey began to fire his machine gun in fear. The repeating weapon, aimed at the ground, was powerful enough to levitate him feet off the floor as he tried in vain to control it, much to the bemusement of the onlooking not-quite-terrified student body.

"Eventually, Harvey just shot himself in the foot," Principal Don Stewart said. "He was howling and bouncing up and down when--" Stewart took several minutes to keep from crying as he laughed even harder. "He shot Watkins again, in the balls, and Watkins, with his dying breath, tightened his grip on the trigger finger and blew Harvey's head off."

No longer able to restrain his tears, Stewart wept openly. "It was so fucking funny I shit my pants! I swear."

School shootings have steadily been on the increase since 1990, but this was by far the most hilarious incident reported. Hollywood has taken notice as well, already planning a wacky sitcom tentatively titled "Shoot the Mooks" and famed teen scribe John Hughes has reportedly been asking how old Anthony Michael Hall is now, since he would "make a perfect Watkins."

the commune News would like to know if you're going to finish that, dude? Ivan Nakutchacokov can be split open and several smaller versions are found within, leading to his office nickname, "Matruschka."

December 15, 2000

Doin' Fine

the commune's Rok Finger asks you to slow your gifting of fruit baskets--as his office is starting to smell like an open-air market

º Last Column: God Owes Me BIG TIME
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I must say with one-cup astonishment, two cups of mistrust, I'm doing perfectly well this week. That's right, Rokophiles, Mama Finger's boy has no outstanding bones to pick or societal ills to attack. Oh, sure, I imagine there's plenty of bad things happening in our worldâ€”there always isâ€”but at the moment none seem to concern me.

No, I'm not in loveâ€”at least not in love with anyone new; just my lovely wife of thirty years, Arvelyn, our cat Makeshift, and maybe the commune stockboyâ€”he does freshen your paperclip cup even before it's empty, that charming fop.

Nor is my cheerful demeanor the by-product of any dangerous mind-expanding new drug. I can assure you good people I'm on nothing stronger than good ol' black coffee, Tylenol, and the Cannabis prescribed for my foot pain.

I can't explain why, I'm just happy. Oh, to be sure, I've got things to be unhappy aboutâ€”by the barrelful! But at this time, I'm just having a good day.

At this moment the President, what'sisname, could pop up on my screen and announce that the race war has just broken out at long last, and my response would be: "Eh." I kid you not. I'm just generally doin' fine.

I'm not sure how my wife's doingâ€”I should ask her. I suppose she's just fine, though. She's always been fine even when I've not been so fine, she just leans toward finality, I think. I'm sure Makeshift has no feline worriesâ€”perhaps feline leukemia, if he's a particularly worrisome cat, but if he is he sure puts up a brave faÃ§ade. I should really talk to him, get to know him better.
Maybe it's the fact it's Wednesday; I've always liked Wednesdays best. But even if I can't explain it, I know I'm doing fine. Hope you're doing fine.

Waitâ€¦ now it's starting to wear off. Feeling less fine even as the moments erode. Becoming genuinely pissed off now. Try figuring that out! Noâ€¦ seems to be fading itself. Generally retreating to fine now. Deadline is approaching, so I'll keep you informed on the fine/not-fine issue as details become available in the next column.

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Quote of the Day

“Upon being stopped by the Customs Officer during my trip to America, he asked: 'Have you anything to declare?' I burst forward, telling him, 'Only my genius!' I was promptly beaten to a piteous pulp and subjected to a humiliating search. Needless to say, they found my weed.”

-Wildman Oscar Davies

Fortune 500 Cookie

By next week you will not believe what passes for a blowjob these days. Guess how many quarters I have in my left pocket and I will be quite surprised. I said don't cauliflower last week? I did? That doesn't sound like something I'd say. Remember, trust no one. Including me. If you believe that, you're a fool.

Try again later.

Top Worst Opening Lines to Novels

1.	It was the best of times, no question about it.
2.	Call me Crenshaw, Ishmael's brother.
3.	I had been up for three days doing coke, paranoid they were going to catch me after I sunk the company with my idiotic business practices; then, my fa
4.	I have only eaten three people in my lifeâ€”this is that story.
5.	So I said to my friend Charlie, "Hey, I'm going to write a novel where nothing at all happens," so welcome to it.

Little Mexican Boy Separated from Father Useless in Advancing American Politics

BY roland mcshyster

5/1/2000

Well, hello there, America! Roland McShyster is back and on the attack with another month's load of Entertainment-related booty! I've dug up some real nuggets for you to this month, in the never-ending search for quality amongst our cultural wasteland. But first, I'd like to introduce a feature new to EP, it's time for "Ask Roland"! That's right, your old buddy Roland McShyster is here to answer your Entertainment-related questions, so keep the emails and telegrams flooding in folks, you just might see your name in lights!

Q. Hey Roland, I'm your biggest fan! I was watching Sabrina Teenage Witch the other day and they had a commercial for the movie "Bats", and they quoted you man! Remember what you said about it was a "biting political satire aimed at the ru...