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Shooting Turns Comic When Bumbling Teens Shoot Each Other in Hilarious Double-Homicide Hi-JinksWitnesses: "(It was) just too damn funny." August 20, 2000 |
Mattawusk, ME Junior Bacon The teens involved were once breastfed
The two teenagers, Rupert Harvey and D. Johnny Watkins, two seniors described as "Prime wedgie material" by athletes across the school, were popular victims of practical jokes and teasing for being so unpopular. As convoluted as that statement may sound, one thing was clear--with Harvey and Watkins, sooner or later, something was going to break. Who knew it would be our funny bones?
"They came in and Watkins told everybody, 'Get down!'" said senior and witness Glenda Berman. "At which point Harvey just started to dance, doing the Running Man and t...
high school lunch room in Mattawusk, Maine got downright goofy Monday when two teen-agers killed each other in an accidental double-homicide called by witnesses, "Just too damn funny." The two teenagers, Rupert Harvey and D. Johnny Watkins, two seniors described as "Prime wedgie material" by athletes across the school, were popular victims of practical jokes and teasing for being so unpopular. As convoluted as that statement may sound, one thing was clear--with Harvey and Watkins, sooner or later, something was going to break. Who knew it would be our funny bones? "They came in and Watkins told everybody, 'Get down!'" said senior and witness Glenda Berman. "At which point Harvey just started to dance, doing the Running Man and then Cabbage-patching. It was so fucking funny I nearly choked. Then Watkins smacked him with his sailor hat." Watkins, apparently the smarter of the duo, then told everybody they would die for their cruelty, at which point Watkins tried to fire the gun but the safety was on. He looked down the barrel, according to junior Darryl Hardin, who said he could barely contain his laughter since he could guess what would happen next. "Sure enough," Hardin said, "Watkins blew his own damn head off. That shit was hilarious, I was howling for minutes. It was like Looney Tunes or something. I halfway expected the gun to say 'Acme' on it." It was at that point, witnesses said, Harvey began to fire his machine gun in fear. The repeating weapon, aimed at the ground, was powerful enough to levitate him feet off the floor as he tried in vain to control it, much to the bemusement of the onlooking not-quite-terrified student body. "Eventually, Harvey just shot himself in the foot," Principal Don Stewart said. "He was howling and bouncing up and down when--" Stewart took several minutes to keep from crying as he laughed even harder. "He shot Watkins again, in the balls, and Watkins, with his dying breath, tightened his grip on the trigger finger and blew Harvey's head off." No longer able to restrain his tears, Stewart wept openly. "It was so fucking funny I shit my pants! I swear." School shootings have steadily been on the increase since 1990, but this was by far the most hilarious incident reported. Hollywood has taken notice as well, already planning a wacky sitcom tentatively titled "Shoot the Mooks" and famed teen scribe John Hughes has reportedly been asking how old Anthony Michael Hall is now, since he would "make a perfect Watkins." the commune News would like to know if you're going to finish that, dude? Ivan Nakutchacokov can be split open and several smaller versions are found within, leading to his office nickname, "Matruschka."
 | Little Mexican Boy Separated from Father Useless in Advancing American PoliticsReno: "(It) tastes like eggs." April 6, 2000 |
San Pocos, CA Reggie "Snapper" McGee Carlos Montoya lets a country down
And, according to Attorney General Janet Reno, Carlos has done little, if anything, to advance the American political agenda.
"I don't want to point any accusatory fingers," Reno said in a recent press conference, as she scowled at the little boy, freshly arrived for the press conference from a filthy cardboard box, "...
ine-year-old Carlos Montoya has been separated from his father since his mother, aunt, and maternal grandparents smuggled him and themselves across the Mexican-U.S. border in late 1999 to find work across the border. After his mother mysteriously disappeared, believe to be carted away by a pimp named Slappy, Carlos has lived with his aunt and grandparents in a dumpster outside a class in a poverty-stricken area of San Pocos, California. And, according to Attorney General Janet Reno, Carlos has done little, if anything, to advance the American political agenda. "I don't want to point any accusatory fingers," Reno said in a recent press conference, as she scowled at the little boy, freshly arrived for the press conference from a filthy cardboard box, "but we could sure use a lot of help with free-trade between ourselves and Mexico. Let's just say Carlos isn't doing much to help." Reporters were quick to remind Reno the Montoya boy is only nine, but Reno made a "pffft" sound with her lips and said, "Yeah, that's a good excuse. We all know there are kids out there younger than that who are doing a hell of a lot more to help out their country. I mean, I'm not naming names... but you know what I mean." When asked if Montoya would be returned to his father, Reno shrugged and responded, "If he wants him. Lord knows we aren't going to waste the Supreme Court's time with this matter. Hell, I wouldn't take this little sumbitch to People's Court." Reno laughed heartily at her own remarks, then belched loudly and said it tasted like eggs. Red Bagel is the commune's fearless news editor and he'll pull the plug to your controller out if you're beating him at Nintendo 64's Goldeneye. Lil Duncan is the sweetest piece of ass this side of the coast and we're glad she never reads the small print.
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 October 16, 2000 Nabisco Loves Methe commune's Rok Finger bites one for the team It's the question I think many of us ask over and over again... "Has my life mattered any?" "Has my being here changed anything or anyone?" "How has my life made the world a better place?"
It's a series of questions that needlessly rephrase that one first question I mentioned. But you can ask it a million times over and maybe never really know the answer, unless you've ever had a sitcom on ABC's "TGIF" line-up, in which case you can be assured you've made the world a darker and more painful place.
As for us regular joes, jacks, roks, rudys, steves, percys, and joaquins, we have to make a list. Maybe you do this, too--make a list of all the ways you've made the world a better place, all the things you have going for you, all the positive benefits your existence h...
º Last Column: Generation-X-O-Cide
º more columns
It's the question I think many of us ask over and over again... "Has my life mattered any?" "Has my being here changed anything or anyone?" "How has my life made the world a better place?"
It's a series of questions that needlessly rephrase that one first question I mentioned. But you can ask it a million times over and maybe never really know the answer, unless you've ever had a sitcom on ABC's "TGIF" line-up, in which case you can be assured you've made the world a darker and more painful place.
As for us regular joes, jacks, roks, rudys, steves, percys, and joaquins, we have to make a list. Maybe you do this, too--make a list of all the ways you've made the world a better place, all the things you have going for you, all the positive benefits your existence has brought. Maybe you make three lists. Always asking how things are better because you're here.
Well, maybe like you, I've made a list as described and come up with nada. I'll be damned if I can figure out how I've made the world better. Sure, maybe by the mere fact I'm here the world is different, but is it better? There's a few things I'm proud of, for sure. My two gay sons and my daughter, who may in fact be a yeti. My love wife of thirty years, Arvelyn; my former wife of thirty years, Wyfe. Although I have to admit my being here probably wouldn't affect her one way or the other. But there's other things, too, like the class in Feudalism I teach at U Ignorant, my astonishing collection of pogs and bottlecaps, and my 1983 biographic short film "Rok's Off." I have a few journalism awards but I understand they only count if they're actually presented to you, not picked up while unguarded at company buffets.
In the end, though, does all that really matter? The awards, the family, the class, the film critics call "an astonishing wake-up call to cat lovers everywhere"?
Maybe not, I thought. And I was a little sadder that day. So I dug into a box of my favorite snack cracker, the world-famous Cheez-Its.
And there on the box was my salvation.
A modest-size banner proclaiming Cheez-Its to be America's #1-selling brand cheese cracker. And, they plainly stated, it wouldn't be so if it wasn't for loyal customers like me.
Cheez-Its, old friend, you always remind me of the good in the world. So wise and cheese-tastious.
It was I who played a part in the efforts to make Cheez-Its the world's #1-selling brand cheese cracker. Without brand-loyal customers like yours truly, it's very likely Cheez-Its would never hold onto that coveted place in Americana. So I scoff to you, naysayers, sayers of nay, that Rok Finger has done nothing with his life.
"#1-selling brand cheese cracker"... what do you call that? Bite hard, boys! I got yer cheese cracker right here!
Thank you, Cheez-Its, for making me a part of your success. Many more happy years to come. º Last Column: Generation-X-O-Cideº more columns | 
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Quote of the Day“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores... uh, on second thought, scratch that. If I can pick, don't give me any losers.”
-Emily DickinsomeFortune 500 CookieGive up the ghost this week—everybody knows you're drawing those eyebrows on with a magic marker. You may only be a gigolo, but that doesn't mean anybody wants to hear you sing about it. Try naming a constellation after yourself: it worked for that "Chantilly Lace" guy. This week's lucky pets: salamander, ostrich, rutabaga, cow fetus, bottle of deadly germs.
Try again later.Top Cruel New Rumors| 1. | Gay people can't whistle | | 2. | Tennessee quarter shows state trooper harassing black motorist | | 3. | French Stewart not actually French | | 4. | Cats love vodka | | 5. | Donald Trump is secret owner of McDonald's chain | |
|   commune Chastised for Use of Word "Dick" BY roland mcshyster 5/1/2000 Well, hello there, America! Roland McShyster is back and on the attack with another month's load of Entertainment-related booty! I've dug up some real nuggets for you to this month, in the never-ending search for quality amongst our cultural wasteland. But first, I'd like to introduce a feature new to EP, it's time for "Ask Roland"! That's right, your old buddy Roland McShyster is here to answer your Entertainment-related questions, so keep the emails and telegrams flooding in folks, you just might see your name in lights!
Q. Hey Roland, I'm your biggest fan! I was watching Sabrina Teenage Witch the other day and they had a commercial for the movie "Bats", and they quoted you man! Remember what you said about it was a "biting political satire aimed at the ru...
Well, hello there, America! Roland McShyster is back and on the attack with another month's load of Entertainment-related booty! I've dug up some real nuggets for you to this month, in the never-ending search for quality amongst our cultural wasteland. But first, I'd like to introduce a feature new to EP, it's time for "Ask Roland"! That's right, your old buddy Roland McShyster is here to answer your Entertainment-related questions, so keep the emails and telegrams flooding in folks, you just might see your name in lights!
Q. Hey Roland, I'm your biggest fan! I was watching Sabrina Teenage Witch the other day and they had a commercial for the movie "Bats", and they quoted you man! Remember what you said about it was a "biting political satire aimed at the ruling class"? They quoted the "biting" part in really big letters! And since I was taping the show for my friend Jenna I was able to rewind the tape and pause it and sure enough, down at the bottom in the cutest little tiny letters you ever did see it either said Roland McShyster or Romald Mashusten, but since I never heard of the Romald guy I think it was you! Way to go man! You rock! Stacey Loenbrau, Tit River, New Jersey
A. Thanks Stacey! It's fans like you who make all those years I spent writing movie reviews for the Radio Shack employee newsletter worthwhile. But I think you're mistaken about one thing, Stacey. It's YOU who rocks! Go girl!
Q. I'm troubled by the recent DVD release of Charlie Chaplin's "Limelight". The promotional materials clearly indicate that the release is to be dual-layered in widescreen format, with an aspect ratio of 16:9. Yet when viewing the disc at home, I'm clearly seeing a 2.35:1 anamorphic picture. What gives? Rodman Oldham, New Liver, Connecticut
A. Thanks for your question, Rodman! Be sure to check your mailbox in a few weeks for your own complimentary Entertainment Police travel mug and your official Dudbusters badge. Keep the questions coming, America!
Now on to the movies!
In Theaters Now:
American Psycho
The touching story of a psychopath from Wisconsin who wants nothing more than to cut up a lot of people with an electric turkey knife, this documentary documents his struggles through local, county-wide and tri-state killing sprees and leaves you hanging with the final question: Will he ever make the cover of Newsweek?
Emperor and the Assassin
That creepy old guy from Return of the Jedi and Lee Harvey Oswald star in this screwball buddy picture with more dick jokes than Ellen's baby shower. Can the old guy and Oswald make it across Canadian customs with their trousers crammed full of summer sausage? I promise you'll never eat bratwurst again.
Ghost Dog
Spooky, spooky thriller about a family who didn't want any pets, but found mysterious stains behind the couch and felt eerie, sniffing sensations around their crotch areas anyway.
High Fidelity
Fidel Castro makes his move to capture the hearts of American moviegoers (in much the same way as Hitler and Mussolini did last year) in this Cheech & Chong inspired madcap comedy about a burnout cargo-plane pilot trying to smuggle eight tons of weed into communist Cuba.
Mission to Mars
Can Lee Marvin and his band of Space Cowboys save the mission from those tequilla-swilling martian motherfuckers? Hold on to your seat, seniorita, this is one wild ride.
Romero Must Die
Jesus, so you didn't like Escape from LA. Tell it to your shrink.
The Whole Nine Yards
Look folks, Roland McShyster swings like a baby rocker set on high, but I draw the line at elephant porn. Jesus.
Now on Video:
American Beauty
The touching story of an alcoholic from Wisconsin who wants nothing more than to be a Beauty Pageant winner, this documentary documents his struggles through regional, backyard and spontaneous parking-lot beauty pageants and leaves you hanging with the final question: Will he ever be Miss America?
Anna and the King
History tells us that Anna Nicole Smith and Elivis Presley lived out one of the greatest love stories ever told, like Napoleon and Mrs Napoleon, or Joanie and Chachi. This is their tale of cross-country romance, packed with heart-pounding action, nauseating suspense and gigantic boob shots that'll make toddlers thirsty.
Girl, Interrupted
Damned fax machine, I'm taking this thing back to OfficeMax in the morning.
Come back soon for more Entertainment than you can shake a big, fat wallet at!   |
