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Little Mexican Boy Separated from Father Useless in Advancing American PoliticsReno: "(It) tastes like eggs." April 6, 2000 |
San Pocos, CA Reggie "Snapper" McGee Carlos Montoya lets a country down
And, according to Attorney General Janet Reno, Carlos has done little, if anything, to advance the American political agenda.
"I don't want to point any accusatory fingers," Reno said in a recent press conference, as she scowled at the little boy, freshly arrived for the press conference from a filthy cardboard box, "...
ine-year-old Carlos Montoya has been separated from his father since his mother, aunt, and maternal grandparents smuggled him and themselves across the Mexican-U.S. border in late 1999 to find work across the border. After his mother mysteriously disappeared, believe to be carted away by a pimp named Slappy, Carlos has lived with his aunt and grandparents in a dumpster outside a class in a poverty-stricken area of San Pocos, California. And, according to Attorney General Janet Reno, Carlos has done little, if anything, to advance the American political agenda. "I don't want to point any accusatory fingers," Reno said in a recent press conference, as she scowled at the little boy, freshly arrived for the press conference from a filthy cardboard box, "but we could sure use a lot of help with free-trade between ourselves and Mexico. Let's just say Carlos isn't doing much to help." Reporters were quick to remind Reno the Montoya boy is only nine, but Reno made a "pffft" sound with her lips and said, "Yeah, that's a good excuse. We all know there are kids out there younger than that who are doing a hell of a lot more to help out their country. I mean, I'm not naming names... but you know what I mean." When asked if Montoya would be returned to his father, Reno shrugged and responded, "If he wants him. Lord knows we aren't going to waste the Supreme Court's time with this matter. Hell, I wouldn't take this little sumbitch to People's Court." Reno laughed heartily at her own remarks, then belched loudly and said it tasted like eggs. Red Bagel is the commune's fearless news editor and he'll pull the plug to your controller out if you're beating him at Nintendo 64's Goldeneye. Lil Duncan is the sweetest piece of ass this side of the coast and we're glad she never reads the small print.
 | commune Chastised for Use of Word "Dick"Prudes get panties in bunches October 1, 1999 |
Greenwich Village, NY Al Graft the commune comes under fire
Many alternate names were suggested for future reference to the comedian in question. The Mennonite Express reprinted the commune’s article with the offending name changed to “Andy Penis.“ Yodum Yoder of the Amish American suggested a change to “Andy Yoder“ in future publications and reprints. Pointing out possible gendercentric leanings in the commune’s handling of the art...
recent story run by the the commune news about the arrest of comedian Andy Dick has inspired a maelstrom of reader mail and telephone calls, with readers taking offense at the commune’s repeated use of the word “Dick“ in that article. This is an issue that has sent shockwaves through the publishing community, shaking to the very foundation the way news is reported in this country. Many alternate names were suggested for future reference to the comedian in question. The Mennonite Express reprinted the commune’s article with the offending name changed to “Andy Penis.“ Yodum Yoder of the Amish American suggested a change to “Andy Yoder“ in future publications and reprints. Pointing out possible gendercentric leanings in the commune’s handling of the article, the Northern North Carolina Women’s Coalition has suggested the gender-neutral “Andy Genitalia“ for all future usage. Finally, a reader from Los Angeles going by the name Dandy Ick suggested the evocative “Andy Love Missile.“ The ruckus surrounding this issue has reached far and wide, leading to commune Issue 47 burnings all across the Southern US. Since the commune is an Internet-only publication, and isn’t at any point ever printed on paper, this led to the surreal scene of men in white robes setting fire to huge piles of PCs, laptops, and palm-top computers, in addition to telephones, phone chords, answering machines, reams of blank paper and sacks of kittens. To appease the varying interests among our readership and to diffuse any potential further controversy, from this date forward the commune will refer to comedian in question as “Adolf Hitler.“ Thank you. the commune News would like to thank Mike Tyson for teaching the world to love. Red Bagel is the commune’s fearless editor and Riverboat gambler extraordinaire.
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 July 14, 2000 Your Trash Is Now My Problemthe commune's Rok Finger explores waste-management solutions for the new world Hello, good people. Once again we've got a situation on our hands. I'm sure you don't need me to elaborate what I'm talking about. So I will.
Several weeks ago young hooligans whose names I'm unaware of began dumping their garbage on my lawn. As you may have read in this column previously, I used to run a private landfill out of my home. Apparently this gives the right to Johnny Goodtime and his friend Charlie Havingfun to pour there throwaway refuse on my lawn. No siree bob!
I can't stress this enough: DO NOT THROW YOUR TRASH ON MY LAWN.
Sorry for the all-caps, but I'm just so frustrated, I don't know what to do. As you may have read previously in this column, I only get mad once a year. I call it my annual "stress out," and it's usually without e...
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Hello, good people. Once again we've got a situation on our hands. I'm sure you don't need me to elaborate what I'm talking about. So I will.
Several weeks ago young hooligans whose names I'm unaware of began dumping their garbage on my lawn. As you may have read in this column previously, I used to run a private landfill out of my home. Apparently this gives the right to Johnny Goodtime and his friend Charlie Havingfun to pour there throwaway refuse on my lawn. No siree bob!
I can't stress this enough: DO NOT THROW YOUR TRASH ON MY LAWN.
Sorry for the all-caps, but I'm just so frustrated, I don't know what to do. As you may have read previously in this column, I only get mad once a year. I call it my annual "stress out," and it's usually without event. Besides that one year I killed a drifter, but I'm sure I don't need to go on about that again; I'll save my regular readers the drifter spiel.
I have but one point: Garbage tossing has to stop! Some people tell me to "chill out" or "relax, five-oh," but I'm serious. I'm sick of tossers. I've put up with way too many fads over my 68 years in this country, like boogie woogie and denim. I won't put up with another one.
A few years ago, several of my sixteen mailboxes were destroyed by thoughtless juveniles playing "mailbox baseball," as they call it. I call it vandalism! Shameless, pricey, and loud. Do they think this is funny? Destroying my mailboxes? Ringing my doorbell and running away? Smearing blood on the bumper of my car to make me think I've hit my own son on another drunken late-night drive home? I guess they do.
It's a sad state of affairs these days. Don't even get me started on those Washington bigwigs and they're shenanigans. I've got too many problems close to home to solve. And I want those little wayward ragamuffins to know I won't put up with monkeyshines no more. The next time I see them approaching my mailboxes or my lawn or even the street on which my house rests, I'm firing several warning shots from one of my firearms in my expansive collection. These warning shots will be right at them! I mean business! No more!
I apologize to regular followers of my dogma for this little rabid sidebar, and hope to get back to my regular column next time. I just have to let the hooligans know judgment day has come. º Last Column: º more columns | 
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Quote of the Day“All the world's a stage, and unfortunately everyone's doing improv and they think they're so fucking funny. But you know what? LAME.”
-Bill ShacksperdFortune 500 CookieTop dentists all agree: You need teeth, so in short, allow the gargantuan redneck arguing over who did that "Life is a Highway" song to win the disagreement. Sometimes life feels like a TV show, and this week it feels like Red Shoe Diaries—the nudity is all too brief and all your sex will be simulated. Taste taser, motherfucker. Lucky moods are alright, not too bad/you?, feelin' frisky, and I seriously can't go on living no more.
Try again later.Top Tax Filing Mistakes| 1. | Classifying hooker money as charitable donations | | 2. | Taxes owed paid in solid gold krugerrands | | 3. | Claiming Willie Nelson already paid your taxes | | 4. | Online tax-filing with X-Box 360 Live account | | 5. | Attempting to personally deliver tax forms to president himself, accompanied by bonus ass-whupping | |
|   Meyers Denies Being Andy Rooney BY roland mcshyster 5/1/2000 Well, hello there, America! Roland McShyster is back and on the attack with another month's load of Entertainment-related booty! I've dug up some real nuggets for you to this month, in the never-ending search for quality amongst our cultural wasteland. But first, I'd like to introduce a feature new to EP, it's time for "Ask Roland"! That's right, your old buddy Roland McShyster is here to answer your Entertainment-related questions, so keep the emails and telegrams flooding in folks, you just might see your name in lights!
Q. Hey Roland, I'm your biggest fan! I was watching Sabrina Teenage Witch the other day and they had a commercial for the movie "Bats", and they quoted you man! Remember what you said about it was a "biting political satire aimed at the ru...
Well, hello there, America! Roland McShyster is back and on the attack with another month's load of Entertainment-related booty! I've dug up some real nuggets for you to this month, in the never-ending search for quality amongst our cultural wasteland. But first, I'd like to introduce a feature new to EP, it's time for "Ask Roland"! That's right, your old buddy Roland McShyster is here to answer your Entertainment-related questions, so keep the emails and telegrams flooding in folks, you just might see your name in lights!
Q. Hey Roland, I'm your biggest fan! I was watching Sabrina Teenage Witch the other day and they had a commercial for the movie "Bats", and they quoted you man! Remember what you said about it was a "biting political satire aimed at the ruling class"? They quoted the "biting" part in really big letters! And since I was taping the show for my friend Jenna I was able to rewind the tape and pause it and sure enough, down at the bottom in the cutest little tiny letters you ever did see it either said Roland McShyster or Romald Mashusten, but since I never heard of the Romald guy I think it was you! Way to go man! You rock! Stacey Loenbrau, Tit River, New Jersey
A. Thanks Stacey! It's fans like you who make all those years I spent writing movie reviews for the Radio Shack employee newsletter worthwhile. But I think you're mistaken about one thing, Stacey. It's YOU who rocks! Go girl!
Q. I'm troubled by the recent DVD release of Charlie Chaplin's "Limelight". The promotional materials clearly indicate that the release is to be dual-layered in widescreen format, with an aspect ratio of 16:9. Yet when viewing the disc at home, I'm clearly seeing a 2.35:1 anamorphic picture. What gives? Rodman Oldham, New Liver, Connecticut
A. Thanks for your question, Rodman! Be sure to check your mailbox in a few weeks for your own complimentary Entertainment Police travel mug and your official Dudbusters badge. Keep the questions coming, America!
Now on to the movies!
In Theaters Now:
American Psycho
The touching story of a psychopath from Wisconsin who wants nothing more than to cut up a lot of people with an electric turkey knife, this documentary documents his struggles through local, county-wide and tri-state killing sprees and leaves you hanging with the final question: Will he ever make the cover of Newsweek?
Emperor and the Assassin
That creepy old guy from Return of the Jedi and Lee Harvey Oswald star in this screwball buddy picture with more dick jokes than Ellen's baby shower. Can the old guy and Oswald make it across Canadian customs with their trousers crammed full of summer sausage? I promise you'll never eat bratwurst again.
Ghost Dog
Spooky, spooky thriller about a family who didn't want any pets, but found mysterious stains behind the couch and felt eerie, sniffing sensations around their crotch areas anyway.
High Fidelity
Fidel Castro makes his move to capture the hearts of American moviegoers (in much the same way as Hitler and Mussolini did last year) in this Cheech & Chong inspired madcap comedy about a burnout cargo-plane pilot trying to smuggle eight tons of weed into communist Cuba.
Mission to Mars
Can Lee Marvin and his band of Space Cowboys save the mission from those tequilla-swilling martian motherfuckers? Hold on to your seat, seniorita, this is one wild ride.
Romero Must Die
Jesus, so you didn't like Escape from LA. Tell it to your shrink.
The Whole Nine Yards
Look folks, Roland McShyster swings like a baby rocker set on high, but I draw the line at elephant porn. Jesus.
Now on Video:
American Beauty
The touching story of an alcoholic from Wisconsin who wants nothing more than to be a Beauty Pageant winner, this documentary documents his struggles through regional, backyard and spontaneous parking-lot beauty pageants and leaves you hanging with the final question: Will he ever be Miss America?
Anna and the King
History tells us that Anna Nicole Smith and Elivis Presley lived out one of the greatest love stories ever told, like Napoleon and Mrs Napoleon, or Joanie and Chachi. This is their tale of cross-country romance, packed with heart-pounding action, nauseating suspense and gigantic boob shots that'll make toddlers thirsty.
Girl, Interrupted
Damned fax machine, I'm taking this thing back to OfficeMax in the morning.
Come back soon for more Entertainment than you can shake a big, fat wallet at!   |
