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commune Chastised for Use of Word "Dick"Prudes get panties in bunches October 1, 1999 |
Greenwich Village, NY Al Graft the commune comes under fire
Many alternate names were suggested for future reference to the comedian in question. The Mennonite Express reprinted the commune’s article with the offending name changed to “Andy Penis.“ Yodum Yoder of the Amish American suggested a change to “Andy Yoder“ in future publications and reprints. Pointing out possible gendercentric leanings in the commune’s handling of the art...
recent story run by the the commune news about the arrest of comedian Andy Dick has inspired a maelstrom of reader mail and telephone calls, with readers taking offense at the commune’s repeated use of the word “Dick“ in that article. This is an issue that has sent shockwaves through the publishing community, shaking to the very foundation the way news is reported in this country. Many alternate names were suggested for future reference to the comedian in question. The Mennonite Express reprinted the commune’s article with the offending name changed to “Andy Penis.“ Yodum Yoder of the Amish American suggested a change to “Andy Yoder“ in future publications and reprints. Pointing out possible gendercentric leanings in the commune’s handling of the article, the Northern North Carolina Women’s Coalition has suggested the gender-neutral “Andy Genitalia“ for all future usage. Finally, a reader from Los Angeles going by the name Dandy Ick suggested the evocative “Andy Love Missile.“ The ruckus surrounding this issue has reached far and wide, leading to commune Issue 47 burnings all across the Southern US. Since the commune is an Internet-only publication, and isn’t at any point ever printed on paper, this led to the surreal scene of men in white robes setting fire to huge piles of PCs, laptops, and palm-top computers, in addition to telephones, phone chords, answering machines, reams of blank paper and sacks of kittens. To appease the varying interests among our readership and to diffuse any potential further controversy, from this date forward the commune will refer to comedian in question as “Adolf Hitler.“ Thank you. the commune News would like to thank Mike Tyson for teaching the world to love. Red Bagel is the commune’s fearless editor and Riverboat gambler extraordinaire.
 | Meyers Denies Being Andy RooneyCanadian funnyman confuses nation September 1, 1999 |
Toronto, Canada Noogie Townsend/AP Andy Rooney: Real?
Reportedly, the producers of 60 Minute...
tar of such Hollywood Blockbusters as So I Married an Axe Murderer and Wayne's World 2, Canadian funnyman Mike Meyers today denied all reports that 60 minutes mainstay and purported crystallized fart Andy Rooney is actually one of his performance pieces. Many have taken it for granted for years that the impossibly out-of-touch and pathetic Rooney character was one of Meyers’ best latex-and-bravado creations, ranking with the likes of Wayne Cambell and Dr. Evil among his most popular bits. Naturally, it came as a great shock to millions of Americans to hear Meyers, rather incredulously, denying any involvement in the Rooney project. The comedian even seemed surprised that such as suggestion might be made. Reportedly, the producers of 60 Minutes themselves were confused by Meyers’ statements, and have called an emergency meeting that may go on late into the night. Our sources indicate that an upcoming The Best of Mike Meyers video has been postponed and will be re-edited in light of today’s announcement. This turn of events leaves many unanswered questions for Americans young and old. Was Meyers’ announcement merely a publicity stunt aimed at boosting the ratings for 60 Minutes? Is it possible that Meyers created the character and later, growing bored with the project, passed the torch to another comedian? Could this explain the disappearance of Joe Piscapo? And finally, the most troubling of all possibilities: Could Andy Rooney be real? Many would sooner believe in the existence of a Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. It seems clear that many people, from small children to the incredibly aged, from construction workers to cultural anthropologists, will be up late tonight pondering that very question. the commune news would like to thank Budweiser for bringing back the Party Ball. Selma Brotnik has joined the commune staff thanks to this country’s silly quota system. Welcome aboard, Selma!
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 January 1, 2000 Fortune 1There is a very tricky method for applying a neutral shadow to animal consciousness. If a lion could talk, it would be too low for humans to hear, but he would tell the story of the Greatest Elephant That Ever Lived. If we could hear him, which we can't. Duh. Squirrels don't warn the bourgeois because they find their hairstyles threatening and their accents an act of war. They're not seeing your make-up, they're seeing remarkable cariboo and gnats from Dusseldorf. According to the latest Gallup poll, at least. It also said that global warming actually makes you a better feminist and helps with Windows 95 conflicts. Though regardless I still can't get these birth control pills to load. The moon's reflective quality made the crab nervous so he took up smoking Virginia Slims, he was still usi...
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There is a very tricky method for applying a neutral shadow to animal consciousness. If a lion could talk, it would be too low for humans to hear, but he would tell the story of the Greatest Elephant That Ever Lived. If we could hear him, which we can't. Duh. Squirrels don't warn the bourgeois because they find their hairstyles threatening and their accents an act of war. They're not seeing your make-up, they're seeing remarkable cariboo and gnats from Dusseldorf. According to the latest Gallup poll, at least. It also said that global warming actually makes you a better feminist and helps with Windows 95 conflicts. Though regardless I still can't get these birth control pills to load. The moon's reflective quality made the crab nervous so he took up smoking Virginia Slims, he was still using Windows 3.1. The lion whispered in my ear and it sounded like he said I needed to write a book called "Chicken Soup for Assholes", that it would sell like hotcakes. It was either that or "get me out of these hotpants", he was quite a mumbler.
You will affect the president's ability to act decisively in a crisis. Try again later. º Last Column: º more columns | 
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Quote of the Day“The unexamined life is not worth living… so show me your tits already.”
-Sol CratesFortune 500 CookieNobody loves you anywhere near as much as your mother, but the bad news is you were adopted and never met her. Your "Most Favored Nathan" status will be revoked this week when a more-favorable Nathan arrives in town. Sorry. Try to start flossing your teeth, crotch and armpits, ASAP. This week's lucky bullets: zingers, greenies, pissmakers, Big Bens, deconstipators, "lead flapjacks," armor-piercing, elephant piercing, Ella Fitzgerald-piercing.
Try again later.Top New Orleans Rebuilding Proposals| 1. | Houseboats for all! | | 2. | Move entire city to Ames, Iowa, just to see what happens | | 3. | Dig city another 20 feet lower, install Plexiglas ceiling for viewing marine life | | 4. | Pave over city to create parking lot for Atlanta SuperTarget | | 5. | Fuck it, the place was way too French anyway | |
|   Comedian Andy Dick Arrested for Exposing Name BY roland mcshyster 6/1/1999 Well hello there and welcome back to Entertainment Police, returning after an unexpected hiatus. Did you know it's illegal to dub betamax copies of "The Golden Child" and sell them on the street? Neither did I! What a country we live in! I tell ya, you let these Fascists into power and it's straight downhill from there, no foolin'.
Anyway, I'm glad to see you're back! We've got a whole cache of new movies to review this month, all awash in the Post-Oscars afterglow. And who can forget the wonders of this year's ceremony? I, personally, was touched to see Mussolini bring home the best actor trophy. What a sign of how things have changed in this country. Just between you and me, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to see Hitler wade into the romantic comedy waters in the comi...
Well hello there and welcome back to Entertainment Police, returning after an unexpected hiatus. Did you know it's illegal to dub betamax copies of "The Golden Child" and sell them on the street? Neither did I! What a country we live in! I tell ya, you let these Fascists into power and it's straight downhill from there, no foolin'.
Anyway, I'm glad to see you're back! We've got a whole cache of new movies to review this month, all awash in the Post-Oscars afterglow. And who can forget the wonders of this year's ceremony? I, personally, was touched to see Mussolini bring home the best actor trophy. What a sign of how things have changed in this country. Just between you and me, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to see Hitler wade into the romantic comedy waters in the coming year. You heard it here first!
Hollywood's at it again, and their trend this quarter is the Boardgame Movie. I know what you're thinking, how can anyone top the critical and commercial smash "Jumanji"? Nevertheless, good old Hollywood is giving it a shot, with the recent releases "Life" and "GO". Needless to say, neither of the new films measures up to Alfred Hitchcock's masterpiece "Clue: The Movie", but they're still respectable efforts. Time to take a look at what else is vying for your entertainment dollar this month:
In Theaters Now:
The Phantom Menace
This highly-anticipated film-noir treatment of a children's favorite immerses us in a world of recrimination and revenge, reminding me of both "The Crow" and "Terms of Endearment". Believe you me, this isn't your father's Dennis the Menace. After Mr. Wilson chains Dennis to the bumper of his Buick and drives it through a hardware store, the Phantom Menace returns from the grave seeking to settle the score and strike a blow for overbearing little brats everywhere. A rollicking fun ride with eye-popping special effects. Starring David Spade as Dennis, Joey Lawrence as Joey, and Hal Holbrook as Mr. Wilson.
The Mummy
A bone-chilling horror flick striking at the heart of every person's fear of former child stars running amuck. Lost in Space star Billy Mummy holds the city of Fresno in the grips of terror as he seeks to be cast in anything at all. This one really hits close to home, and leaves you thinking: "My friends and family are safe from the rash actions of Hollywood wash-outs... or are they?" Serious sequel potential here.
Message in a Bottle
Former Police frontman Sting marks his foray into the world of feature films with this washed-out chick flick about an alcoholic's crush on a spunky bartender. Kevin Costner is his usual saucy self as the pinball repair man who brings them together.
The Deep End of the Ocean
Former Police frontman Sting marks his foray into the world of feature films with this washed-out chick flick about an alcoholic's crush on a spunky bartender. Kevin Costner is his usual saucy self as the pinball repair man who brings them together.
Never Been Kissed
What, did I piss off the Goddess this month or something? Sheesh. Drew Barrymore stars in this upbeat teen fare marred by it's utter lack of "bullet-time" photography.
10 Things I Hate About You
Michael Moore throws subtlety completely out the window in this further attempt to prove that the chairman of GM is a jagoff. We hear ya, Mike! But the truth is, as long as they keep pumping out the Cheerios, who really cares?
Now on Video:
Fanmail
Everybody's favorite female rappers, TLC, get to talk about sex with Tom Hanks for about two hours in this upbeat foray into the world of dirty chatrooms and cybersex.
Come On Over
Shania Twain's screenwriting debut features her and Melissa Ethridge cast in the starring roles as a paroled thief and a high-priced hooker who plot to steal millions from the mob in this visual thrill ride. Directed by the Warner Brothers.
No Limit Top Dogg
Man, a lot of musicians in the movies this month! Snoop Dogg himself stars as the voice of Bernard the Beagle in this animated gem about the adventures of a farm dog lost in the big city. Fantastic soundtrack includes Snoop Dogg's blistering cover of the Chuck Wagon song.
New Albums:
Meet Joe Black
Yet another of the original members of Wham! inflicts a solo album upon us. This one is a shameless Beatles rip-off that would make even Oasis blush.
Gloria
How many different ways can the Mighty Mighty Bosstones cover this Van Morrison classic? You could probably count on the back of the CD case but I prefer to leave it open as a Zen kind of thing.
The Waterboy
Is it just me or are these Gangsta Rappers running out of cool-sounding handles?   |
