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Two Arrested, Charged with Posession of AnthraxSuburban neighbors stunned August 8, 1999 |
Herman and Isley led a double life
"I can't believe it," neighbor Mildred Abramowitz said. "He borrowed my Yanni CDs several times. Now people are saying he doesn't even own a CD player. You think you know somebody..."
The album, called by some critics a disappointing follow-up to the successful Among the Living, does contain the melodic "Be All, End All" and the cover "Antisocial". Also confiscated from the car were Warrant's Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking Rich and Trixter's se...
ocal residents of a small suburban community were stunned to find out two of its seemingly-adult contemporary neighbors, Bob Herman and Walter Isley, were secret metalheads when a routine traffic stop and search revealed the presence of Anthrax's State of Euphoria tape in their cassette deck. "I can't believe it," neighbor Mildred Abramowitz said. "He borrowed my Yanni CDs several times. Now people are saying he doesn't even own a CD player. You think you know somebody..." The album, called by some critics a disappointing follow-up to the successful Among the Living, does contain the melodic "Be All, End All" and the cover "Antisocial". Also confiscated from the car were Warrant's Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking Rich and Trixter's self-titled debut, but authorities agree the only actual threat was the Anthrax. Detective Roger Harlan, head of the Buffalo Police Department's Corrosion of Conformity Special Squad, explained the danger of suburbanites possessing metal and speed metal albums. "The fact is that the rebellion and antisocial commentary and themes of metal and speed metal are meant for kids," Harlan said. "The idea of these themes spilling over into the homes of accountants, bankers, and homemakers is disturbing. Not only to us, but to the bandmembers and makers of the music themselves. When this music becomes the anthem of Lexus-driving corporate shells, it ceases to function and loses all integrity with the kids who sustain it." Although Anthrax could not be reached for comment, Trixter guitarist/prettyboy Steve Brown said, "Spare some change for a cup of coffee?" Lil Duncan is a senior reporter for the commune at 23, and loves bubble baths and men who smell like real men.
 | Clinton Strikes BackPresident answers calls for impeachment with 45-minute riff August 1, 1999 |
Washington, DC Maxi Shore/AP President Clinton putting the “party” back in partisan politics
“If you’ve been on CNN more than three times talking about how funny Rush Limbaugh is, you might be a Republican! If you think a blow job is a woman’s hairstyle, you might be a Republican! If you deny having nipples at all, you might be a Republican! If you’ve ever pissed on homeless children to keep from having to wait in line ...
n what appeared to be a reaction to increasing Republican impeachment efforts, President Clinton today used his State of the Union address to launch what former House Whatchamathingy Newt Gingrich termed “Slick Willy's Def Comedy Jam.” The 45-minute speech consisted mainly of a long riff on comedian Jeff Foxworthy's popular “You Might Be a Redneck...” comedy routine, skewed to address Clinton's Republican detractors. An excerpt follows: “If you’ve been on CNN more than three times talking about how funny Rush Limbaugh is, you might be a Republican! If you think a blow job is a woman’s hairstyle, you might be a Republican! If you deny having nipples at all, you might be a Republican! If you’ve ever pissed on homeless children to keep from having to wait in line for the men’s room at a public event, you might be a Republican! “If you think food stamps are a special Thanksgiving issue from the Post Office... you might be a Republican! If you've ever spoken the words ‘Andy Rooney's got a point there...’ you might be a Republican! If you haven’t had sex since Dick Nixon was in office... you might be a Republican! You suck, Goodnight!” Asked to comment on Clinton’s use of his routine, Foxworthy commented: “If you know what Elvis Presley’s farts taste like, you might be a redneck! Thank you, goodnight!” Former presidential candidate Bob Dole was less amenable. “Bob Dole's never spanked any Puerto Ricans! Bob Dole's not sorry and you can kiss Bob Dole's black ass!” Puerto Ricans could not be reached for comment. The preceding material does not necessarily represent the opinions, views, fantasies or typing skills of the commune, its staff, the communist party, sentient lifeforms or Raoul Dunkin himself. All rights and you’ll never get there on time, you have to turn left on South Main.
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 July 21, 1999 10-10-SELLOUTthe commune's Omar Bricks is a licensed breeder of Shetland Ponies I'm thinking about getting into the stand-up comedy business. I don't consider myself to be all that funny really... well maybe wearing a fruit-covered headdress and some canastas to the premiere of "Lambada: The Forbidden Dance" was pretty funny, but more on point I don't have a serious interest in stand-up comedy. But it does seem to be the lucritive pathway to success as a celebrity endorser of phone company services. Which is my real dream, when you get down to brass tacks that look like they're gold until you get down and really look at them close. I want to be the guy on television who's telling you to press a bunch of numbers on your phone so you'll save big. I don't care what the numbers are, you can make them up if you want. Go ahead. I'm not claiming to be an artist here. I just ...
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I'm thinking about getting into the stand-up comedy business. I don't consider myself to be all that funny really... well maybe wearing a fruit-covered headdress and some canastas to the premiere of "Lambada: The Forbidden Dance" was pretty funny, but more on point I don't have a serious interest in stand-up comedy. But it does seem to be the lucritive pathway to success as a celebrity endorser of phone company services. Which is my real dream, when you get down to brass tacks that look like they're gold until you get down and really look at them close. I want to be the guy on television who's telling you to press a bunch of numbers on your phone so you'll save big. I don't care what the numbers are, you can make them up if you want. Go ahead. I'm not claiming to be an artist here. I just want to tell people what to do.
I'm sure you're asking yourself right now, "Well Omar, if they've already got George Carlin, what in the world do they need you for?". Good question. It seems to me I'll have to carve my own niche. Surely there's other phone company services that need advertising. I think I'll be the guy who tells you that if you pick up the phone and you don't get a dial tone, press the hang-up switch a bunch of times fast. The next step is to hit the receiver on the outside of the phone booth. See? I know this stuff. I watch movies.
I think I can make a career out of this, maybe even spin it off into a sitcom. Like what about those times you pick up the phone and there's somebody already on the line, WHEN IT NEVER EVEN RANG? Isn't that freaky? How do they do that? I think we could do a whole season on that. I'm thinking about having Don Ameche as my sidekick. I've always thought he was serious sidekick material.
Besides, the industry has already done too many adds on calling collect. It's tired, so formula. The people want something fresh. I think we could go high-tech... like a series of spots on phone taps. They're more common than you think. Sometimes I'm talking on the phone and I'll hear it in the backgroud, just this clicking sound. Click click. Who's tapping my phone? I'm not saying I'm any kind of expert on phone taps here, but if they were going to make a sound, I think that would be it. Click click. Tap tap. Y'know? We could do an animated spot with Barney Rubble as my straight man. Like in those old commercials you used to see. "BARNEY! You wiretapped my phone!". And then I could chase him around in a costume or something. I think that would make people want to call more long distance.
That gets me to thinking about commercials in general. Why is it that you never see the people you trust endorsing products? When's the last time Chris Rock called anybody collect? I don't think so. We need more credible sources, the people want to know. Like what does President Clinton take when he gets Herpies Symplex B? That's a hell of an endorsement. What does Kenny Rogers know about chicken? I want to eat at Domingo Pavoratti's Roasters. That tub looks like he knows his chicken. Jerry Seinfeld for American Express? What does he care if it has a high annual rate? He's probably just tired of getting papercuts from handling so much cash. Put Kato Kaelin up there on the screen. Put his hide-a-bed sleepin' mug on an American Express card and I'll think about it.
Until next time, I'm Omar Bricks. º Last Column: Porno Broke My VCRº more columns | 
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Quote of the Day“Patriotism is the last refuge of the scoundrel. The second to last refuge of the scoundrel is a cave in the Ozarks. Third to last? Under the bed in a four-star hotel in Paris. Fourth? Puns. Puns are the fourth-to-last refuge of the scoundrel.”
-Johnuel SamsonFortune 500 CookieWhoever cut your jib, they fucked it all up, dude. Try wearing more spandex this week, your current quantities aren't providing sufficient coverage. Remember: an ounce of prevention is worth an inch of milk-fed veal. This week's lucky pizza restaurant mascots: The Noidette, Little Greaser, Humpy the Pizza Camel, "Cheese Dick" Richard Romano, Lumpy-Thighed Sex Goddess Valotta Ricotta.
Try again later.Top Racially Insensitive Desserts| 1. | Mint Jew Lips | | 2. | Negroreos | | 3. | Vanilla Dick | | 4. | Mr. Li's Chocolate Chink Ice Cream | | 5. | The Dirty Spaniard Sundae from Baskin Robbins | |
|   BY roland mcshyster 6/1/1999 Well hello there and welcome back to Entertainment Police, returning after an unexpected hiatus. Did you know it's illegal to dub betamax copies of "The Golden Child" and sell them on the street? Neither did I! What a country we live in! I tell ya, you let these Fascists into power and it's straight downhill from there, no foolin'.
Anyway, I'm glad to see you're back! We've got a whole cache of new movies to review this month, all awash in the Post-Oscars afterglow. And who can forget the wonders of this year's ceremony? I, personally, was touched to see Mussolini bring home the best actor trophy. What a sign of how things have changed in this country. Just between you and me, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to see Hitler wade into the romantic comedy waters in the comi...
Well hello there and welcome back to Entertainment Police, returning after an unexpected hiatus. Did you know it's illegal to dub betamax copies of "The Golden Child" and sell them on the street? Neither did I! What a country we live in! I tell ya, you let these Fascists into power and it's straight downhill from there, no foolin'.
Anyway, I'm glad to see you're back! We've got a whole cache of new movies to review this month, all awash in the Post-Oscars afterglow. And who can forget the wonders of this year's ceremony? I, personally, was touched to see Mussolini bring home the best actor trophy. What a sign of how things have changed in this country. Just between you and me, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to see Hitler wade into the romantic comedy waters in the coming year. You heard it here first!
Hollywood's at it again, and their trend this quarter is the Boardgame Movie. I know what you're thinking, how can anyone top the critical and commercial smash "Jumanji"? Nevertheless, good old Hollywood is giving it a shot, with the recent releases "Life" and "GO". Needless to say, neither of the new films measures up to Alfred Hitchcock's masterpiece "Clue: The Movie", but they're still respectable efforts. Time to take a look at what else is vying for your entertainment dollar this month:
In Theaters Now:
The Phantom Menace
This highly-anticipated film-noir treatment of a children's favorite immerses us in a world of recrimination and revenge, reminding me of both "The Crow" and "Terms of Endearment". Believe you me, this isn't your father's Dennis the Menace. After Mr. Wilson chains Dennis to the bumper of his Buick and drives it through a hardware store, the Phantom Menace returns from the grave seeking to settle the score and strike a blow for overbearing little brats everywhere. A rollicking fun ride with eye-popping special effects. Starring David Spade as Dennis, Joey Lawrence as Joey, and Hal Holbrook as Mr. Wilson.
The Mummy
A bone-chilling horror flick striking at the heart of every person's fear of former child stars running amuck. Lost in Space star Billy Mummy holds the city of Fresno in the grips of terror as he seeks to be cast in anything at all. This one really hits close to home, and leaves you thinking: "My friends and family are safe from the rash actions of Hollywood wash-outs... or are they?" Serious sequel potential here.
Message in a Bottle
Former Police frontman Sting marks his foray into the world of feature films with this washed-out chick flick about an alcoholic's crush on a spunky bartender. Kevin Costner is his usual saucy self as the pinball repair man who brings them together.
The Deep End of the Ocean
Former Police frontman Sting marks his foray into the world of feature films with this washed-out chick flick about an alcoholic's crush on a spunky bartender. Kevin Costner is his usual saucy self as the pinball repair man who brings them together.
Never Been Kissed
What, did I piss off the Goddess this month or something? Sheesh. Drew Barrymore stars in this upbeat teen fare marred by it's utter lack of "bullet-time" photography.
10 Things I Hate About You
Michael Moore throws subtlety completely out the window in this further attempt to prove that the chairman of GM is a jagoff. We hear ya, Mike! But the truth is, as long as they keep pumping out the Cheerios, who really cares?
Now on Video:
Fanmail
Everybody's favorite female rappers, TLC, get to talk about sex with Tom Hanks for about two hours in this upbeat foray into the world of dirty chatrooms and cybersex.
Come On Over
Shania Twain's screenwriting debut features her and Melissa Ethridge cast in the starring roles as a paroled thief and a high-priced hooker who plot to steal millions from the mob in this visual thrill ride. Directed by the Warner Brothers.
No Limit Top Dogg
Man, a lot of musicians in the movies this month! Snoop Dogg himself stars as the voice of Bernard the Beagle in this animated gem about the adventures of a farm dog lost in the big city. Fantastic soundtrack includes Snoop Dogg's blistering cover of the Chuck Wagon song.
New Albums:
Meet Joe Black
Yet another of the original members of Wham! inflicts a solo album upon us. This one is a shameless Beatles rip-off that would make even Oasis blush.
Gloria
How many different ways can the Mighty Mighty Bosstones cover this Van Morrison classic? You could probably count on the back of the CD case but I prefer to leave it open as a Zen kind of thing.
The Waterboy
Is it just me or are these Gangsta Rappers running out of cool-sounding handles?   |
