the commune, 4/26/25: You'll learn to love it or die trying

April 2, 1999

Breaking down barriers like a drunken Mario Andretti

April 2, 1999

Nostradamus My Ass

the commune's Omar Bricks revises history with an eye for alcohol-fuled funnycar racing

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I'm here to talk to you tonight, to tell you that this bogus shit has gone on long enough. You know what I'm going to say, don't you? Well you're wrong, this isn't about turkey thermometers and how come they don't work for people too. This is about some serious shit this time, no foolin'. Tonight I'm here to talk about Nostradamus.

Now I hear a lot of people going on about how great this guy was and how he saw into the future and all that. Well I'm calling his bluff. Let's hear him stand up and defend himself if he don't like it. That's what I thought.

Historical fact proves that Nostradamus was a punk-assed bitch. It's true, look it up yourself.

I mean, name for me one of his predictions that actually came true. Yeah yeah, I know you're going to go on about how he predicted world war two and all that shit, well I don't buy it. Who did he say the bad guy's name was going to be? HISLER! Nice try, Nostradumbass! Any school kid knows the dude's name was Adrian or some shit like that. Strike one for our pal Nostradamus.

I'm sure he predicted a lot of other shit that almost came true, I don't know, the thing I saw on the Discovery Channel only talked about that Hisler thing. I'm not impressed, you know? 'Cause like close only counts in horseshoes and some other lame-ass shit.

So why is everybody going on about this guy? Where's my kudos? I can bet you dollars to Dolly Parton that Nordstromsdamus never had to deal with having Amy Grant's "Baby Baby" and the disco version of Beethoven's fifth symphony stuck in his head at the same time. That's some real triumph in the face of advertising if you ask me.

You want some real predictions for the future? Fifty years from now, I bet they'll be beaming up commercials onto clouds and the sky, we'll all have those X-files chip thingies in our necks and easily impressed folks will still be going on about Nostrildamus while they hum "Baby Baby" under their breath. And you can quote me on that.

º Last Column: Burning Down the Bauhaus
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Milestones

1978: Griswald Dreck's landmark third grade report "George Washington: Star of the Negro Leagues" creates a fervor in the classroom, leading to the firing of third grade teacher Anais Brockmiller and a thorough review of the state's history textbooks.

Now Hiring

Eunuch. No job really, just sit around and answer questions about what it's like to be a eunuch. Maybe take a blow to the groin to no effect every once in a while to impress office visitors and guests. Talking in a Mickey Mouse voice might be kinda funny too.

Top Mike Tyson Hotel Brawl Excuses

1.	Men insulted Tyson's little yappy dog.
2.	"Dude reminded me that I raped his sister."
3.	Tyson heard bell ring in lobby.
4.	Victim reminded Mike of "Little Mac."
5.	Men taunted Tyson with their delicious-looking ears.

BY roland mcshyster

4/1/1999

Hello and welcome to another year in Entertainment and Entertainment-related things! It looks to be another wacky year from the get-go, what with the Senet Trial of comedian George Clinton (who would have guessed, an ancient Egyptian board game used in a court of law? Only in California!) and the possible release from prison of actor John Hinkley, star of 70's masterpiece Taxi Hunter. I don't know about you, but I'm keeping my eyes peeled to make sure I don't end up in the headlines next! One thing I'd like to see though, is somebody doing something about these slacker movie theater employees using the theater marquee like it was their own personal bulletin board! In recent months I've seen countless inane messages like "You've Got Mail" and "I Still Know What You Did Last Su...