the commune, 9/13/25: You'll learn to love it or die trying

April 2, 1999

Fun for the whole fuckin' family

April 2, 1999

Nostradamus My Ass

the commune's Omar Bricks revises history with an eye for alcohol-fuled funnycar racing

º Last Column: Burning Down the Bauhaus
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I'm here to talk to you tonight, to tell you that this bogus shit has gone on long enough. You know what I'm going to say, don't you? Well you're wrong, this isn't about turkey thermometers and how come they don't work for people too. This is about some serious shit this time, no foolin'. Tonight I'm here to talk about Nostradamus.

Now I hear a lot of people going on about how great this guy was and how he saw into the future and all that. Well I'm calling his bluff. Let's hear him stand up and defend himself if he don't like it. That's what I thought.

Historical fact proves that Nostradamus was a punk-assed bitch. It's true, look it up yourself.

I mean, name for me one of his predictions that actually came true. Yeah yeah, I know you're going to go on about how he predicted world war two and all that shit, well I don't buy it. Who did he say the bad guy's name was going to be? HISLER! Nice try, Nostradumbass! Any school kid knows the dude's name was Adrian or some shit like that. Strike one for our pal Nostradamus.

I'm sure he predicted a lot of other shit that almost came true, I don't know, the thing I saw on the Discovery Channel only talked about that Hisler thing. I'm not impressed, you know? 'Cause like close only counts in horseshoes and some other lame-ass shit.

So why is everybody going on about this guy? Where's my kudos? I can bet you dollars to Dolly Parton that Nordstromsdamus never had to deal with having Amy Grant's "Baby Baby" and the disco version of Beethoven's fifth symphony stuck in his head at the same time. That's some real triumph in the face of advertising if you ask me.

You want some real predictions for the future? Fifty years from now, I bet they'll be beaming up commercials onto clouds and the sky, we'll all have those X-files chip thingies in our necks and easily impressed folks will still be going on about Nostrildamus while they hum "Baby Baby" under their breath. And you can quote me on that.

º Last Column: Burning Down the Bauhaus
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Milestones

2002: Poet Violet Tiara turns 16 and is a little disappointed by her gift of a Saturn when she had been hoping for a hammock of moonbeams or a tumor full of love.

Now Hiring

Director of Office Security. Traditional ideas of increasing manpower and investigating odd events not necessary. Must be able to design colorful charts and randomly pick levels of security intensity.

Least Effective SARS Protective Efforts

1.	Stop breathing
2.	Fire handgun blindly at coughs
3.	Smoking deceased SARS victims
4.	Wave hand, say "Don't go in Toronto! Whew!"
5.	Drinking imported Hong Kong bathwater

BY roland mcshyster

4/1/1999

Hello and welcome to another year in Entertainment and Entertainment-related things! It looks to be another wacky year from the get-go, what with the Senet Trial of comedian George Clinton (who would have guessed, an ancient Egyptian board game used in a court of law? Only in California!) and the possible release from prison of actor John Hinkley, star of 70's masterpiece Taxi Hunter. I don't know about you, but I'm keeping my eyes peeled to make sure I don't end up in the headlines next! One thing I'd like to see though, is somebody doing something about these slacker movie theater employees using the theater marquee like it was their own personal bulletin board! In recent months I've seen countless inane messages like "You've Got Mail" and "I Still Know What You Did Last Su...